I have been married less than a year, and 5 days ago, my wife quizzes me about whether I am in love with her, as opposed to loving her (and my first reaction was, whut?!). So it turns out she is not in love with me but loves me as a friend. I know we had both contributed to the lack of intimacy (I work relatively long hours and have a minor addiction to gaming; and our sleeping habits differ - she is a lark while I'm an owl).
The thing is, she starts saying we didn't have fatuous love to begin with and that's a problem for her because without it there is no basis for longevity in marriage. She talks about soul connection and intimacy.
I eventually ask if there's a third party and she says yes but it's a guy way older that's in a relationship himself and she would never be with. She apologises for committing what was morally dubious to her and says she regrets it but blames me for allowing work to take over my life and allow her to ebb so low in her emotions that she had to resort to another guy.
Finally she says she feels a void and needs time to find her self. She doesn't think we are in love, but more like brother-sister love, and that we have been deluding ourselves. She did say, as if to reassure me, that she has not made up her mind on this yet.
I love this girl and am giving her all the time and quiet she needs (she wants 2 months). Every day hurts now and I'm not sure what to expect after 2 months. I would be grateful for honest opinions on:
1. whether true love is sustainable without fatuous love. I will admit that I am not the most romantic guy in the world and I do have a tendency to sweep issues under the carpet. I rely on people to tell me if they're not happy with me, and if not I tend to go on the trust that everything is ok. And so far she has been the most accepting, and we haven't had more than 3 arguments in 11 months of marriage.
2. what the likelihood is that she will come to me and work things out like couples do?
3. is there anything I can do show her i am sorry for neglecting her? I am concerned that she has said she needs her space and privacy, so if I try to break into that space, say cards or flowers, she might treat it as a further act of not respecting her.
4. should we go to a counsellor (after the 2 month period is up)? As opposed to trying to work things out together. I am not the most composed guy (certainly not in these circumstances), and I'm worried that for all my best intentions, I might blurt or say something stupid.
P.s. there was most definitely fatuous love from my side, and I love her to bits.
The thing is, she starts saying we didn't have fatuous love to begin with and that's a problem for her because without it there is no basis for longevity in marriage. She talks about soul connection and intimacy.
I eventually ask if there's a third party and she says yes but it's a guy way older that's in a relationship himself and she would never be with. She apologises for committing what was morally dubious to her and says she regrets it but blames me for allowing work to take over my life and allow her to ebb so low in her emotions that she had to resort to another guy.
Finally she says she feels a void and needs time to find her self. She doesn't think we are in love, but more like brother-sister love, and that we have been deluding ourselves. She did say, as if to reassure me, that she has not made up her mind on this yet.
I love this girl and am giving her all the time and quiet she needs (she wants 2 months). Every day hurts now and I'm not sure what to expect after 2 months. I would be grateful for honest opinions on:
1. whether true love is sustainable without fatuous love. I will admit that I am not the most romantic guy in the world and I do have a tendency to sweep issues under the carpet. I rely on people to tell me if they're not happy with me, and if not I tend to go on the trust that everything is ok. And so far she has been the most accepting, and we haven't had more than 3 arguments in 11 months of marriage.
2. what the likelihood is that she will come to me and work things out like couples do?
3. is there anything I can do show her i am sorry for neglecting her? I am concerned that she has said she needs her space and privacy, so if I try to break into that space, say cards or flowers, she might treat it as a further act of not respecting her.
4. should we go to a counsellor (after the 2 month period is up)? As opposed to trying to work things out together. I am not the most composed guy (certainly not in these circumstances), and I'm worried that for all my best intentions, I might blurt or say something stupid.
P.s. there was most definitely fatuous love from my side, and I love her to bits.
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