| Hi, I started my story on the reconciliation forum, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen for my M, or even if that would be best for me at this point. My original thread on the R forum http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconci...most-gone.html Catch-up and my original thread is below: Stbxw and I are second spouses to each other. We each have 2 Ds from our first marriages. We've been together 8 years and we got together fast. She said I love you after a month, engaged in month 5, bought house in month 6 and married in month 9. Too fast as we didn't get to know each other well enough before marriage, but we wanted to "fix" ourselves and kids by created awesome family after our first failed marriages. Shortly after she finished nursing school in Dec 2012 and got a new job in Feb 2013, we had a huge fight and I really acted like an a$$hole. I've threatened divorce in the last year, I've withheld affection and we've had a couple of fights where I screamed at her. No name calling, no physical stuff, etc. Snooping thru her stuff after this big fight, I discovered she was planning to leave me and had plans in action to do it on July 1. We'd started MC at this point and discussed during the next two sessions we went to. Within a month of me finding out she was leaving, she went from we can try to work on stuff to no, I'm still leaving. She continued to lie to me and MC about where she was really at and guess what? She still moved out on July 1 (well, June 27 actually). No infidelity, she just wants to be in control of her life. I've supported her thru getting a master's degree in nursing, completely changing careers. I've supported her thru getting a DUI a couple years ago. I've run her kids around when she works, they call me daddy and their own dad is ok, but not in the picture much. I'm a great parent to her kids and mine. Daughters range from 10-15 (mine are the older two). I've communicated with her, I've brought her meaningful presents from my trips around the world, I've written her cards saying I love her or that someday my kids will appreciate her, I've carried her to bed, I've taken her glasses off when she's asleep, I kiss her when I come to bed, I sing her silly love songs, I touch her side as I fall asleep. I've done everything to love this woman. MC said maybe I had anger management issues based on the big fight, so I'm seeing an IC for me. As we've met over the past few months, we've talked about how I manage my anger and I've got some work to do, but he's commented that my acceptance of what I've done wrong puts me far ahead of most of the guys he works with. I've got some anger issues, but I'm working on those and doing very well. On the way out, she blasted me by saying I had BPD (IC says no), saying I had abandonment issues, calling me insecure. Saying she was broken by our marriage (but it's not my fault, that she's broken!! :scratchhead:), saying she never wants to have sex again, saying she hasn't cared about me for over a year, some days she's hated me. She's rewritten history to make much of our relationship bad, she's demonized me, she consistently ascribes evil motives to my actions, she doesn't not acknowledge I can have a different POV than hers (let alone that I might be correct sometimes). She proudly tells everyone that she's an honest person, all you have to do is ask a question and you'll get the truth whether you like it or not. Well, she's pretended to love me for at least a year. She's lied to me over the years about my direct questions about parenting, sex, our relationship. An honest person, she's not, unless you listen to her explanation that she's been forced to lie because of me and the marriage. Up until I found out she was leaving, we were still having sex 3-4 times/week, but I admit there was less passion from her on the sex. She was writing me love notes once a month or so in my lunch. She was still saying ILY and calling me a pet name. Once I found out, all of this stopped immediately. So, lots of lying to me and probably herself for sometime. After I read a book recommended by my IC, Uncoupling by Dianne Vaugn, I think this big fight was what's called a Fatal Mistake. She provoked a fight with me over something trivial and then disengaged from me, and I got more and more angry. Again, my behavior during this fight was atrocious and I'm embarrassed about it. However, once the fight was done, she had her reason to leave. BTW, thinking back on this, there were a couple fights before this one that could have gotten badly out of hand, but I had a cooler head and she ended up acting immaturely, rather than me. I think subconsciously, she was trying to provoke the Fatal Mistake fight those other times. Since then, she expected me to be punishing and angry and vindictive, etc. I began with the begging her to stay, with bargaining, with changing my behavior, etc. Once I came to TAM, I started the 180 with her and she's been surprised and curious about that. I've lost weight, I'm reading a lot, being self-reflective, my kids are happier (one of her main reasons for leaving was my kids; they're normal kids, the stbxw just puts her kids on the level of angels and my kids and demons from the father demon (me)). I'm making a better Angstire for me, my kids and any future relationships. However, if she wanted to work on R, I would attend MC with her, while we live in separate houses, and see if we can reclaim the M. I've started reading NMMNG and I think part of our issue has been codependency, with me trying to fix too much for her, be her white knight and a nice guy. So, I'm creating a new thread here, because I don't think that an R is likely. She's stubborn and will find it tough to admit she was wrong. I think it's likely she's got a MLC going on and is caught in that fog of trying to be this new person in her new career and me and my kids don't fit into that new life. I'll continue to post how things are going, because the help and advice from TAM folk has helped a lot. D should be final by end of 2013; only question mark now is if the house/mortgage can be changed to my name or if the D paperwork assigns the profits of sale to me, when I decide to sell and absolve her of financial responsibility if I go into foreclosure, etc. That won't happen, but it protects her. Anyway, thanks for comments, advice, etc. It's helped and will continue to. | |||
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