| I apologise in advance if this is long.....I have things to say and as I have introduced my STBXW to this website, I hope she will see this and many of the other posts in the CWI section....perhaps this will help her find an understanding of herself so that she can find peace and happiness in the future..... Dear Nicky, We've come to the end of a road travelled for 23yrs. It was the road I thought would take me with you through to the end of my life but now, there's a "ROAD CLOSED" sign and I must look for an alternate route. C'est la vie.... I know I was not always the model husband and made many mistakes along the way; I have been severely punished for my mistakes and not deserving of the treatment I have been given. Sad but there it is. That you never found a voice throughout our marriage to say to ME what was apparently wrong is heart rending; leaves me questioning whether I am a monster that is unapproachable.... I never considered that I was so. Yes in the last 2 yrs, I was angry at the world....angry with life and taking everything around me to heart. Did you ever ask why? Did you ever say, "Hey Dave, why are you so angry my love....what can I do to help?" ......No you didn't. My anger was fueled by not dealing with the trauma of having a man's life taking from him with a bullet meant for me....holding his head while the life slip out of him traumatised me immensely. Then not being able to talk about it for fear of Caryn's and your lives if I did....there's more to say but I can't and won't and it will not change a thing between us so it will go with me to my grave.....God alone will judge me. My anger was fueled by the uncertainty of life in South Africa every day.....would i get that phone call saying you'd been raped or murdered. Would I get that hysterical call from you saying our child had been harmed while just going about her innocent business. I have had people close to me die in the most violent ways....I have held a stranger while he died. Yes, I am damaged. But, through all of this, I have remained true to you....true to our marriage. I have worked myself to a standstill to provide a lifestyle to you and to Caryn that was better than what I had....so you would never go without. Why? Because your father once had a go at me because, "Nicky shouldn't have to work. You should be able to provide for her." That made me feel inadequate and when I was simply unable to achieve this, I felt emasculated.....a pathetic loser. You entrenched that mindset when during your first EA with my life insurance broker and friend. I will never forget you saying to me that you had thought about how life would be so much easier with him because he was wealthy......perhaps at that point I became more driven to succeed but ultimately, it was never enough. Through our marriage I have put up with so much from you.... yes there have been wonderful times together but when you confirm to me post separation that "the sexual connection" was lost 17yrs ago, I am left feeling gutted and hollow. How will I ever know whether I have the ability to please a woman in every way....how can I trust that she is not doing exactly what you did for 17yrs? Living a lie...... I won't. Nicky, I loved and forgave you 6yrs ago after your last betrayal and had reached a point of total trust and unconditional love. I cannot assimilate your comments in June last year after our return from your 40th birthday trip to Ireland; you say you sat in the sun on the steps to our front door with a cup of coffee thinking how great everything was......and 5 months later, it was YOUR idea to bring a man into OUR marital home to have sex with him...... We have gone over all that and it won't change anything....... We now have the task of dismantling 23yrs together.....very sad and has left me feeling desperate, anxious, angry,......one word....destroyed. You never gave us a chance.....you entered reconciliation but were never really in it. Once you were given the "Emotional Disconnection" explanation, you checked out. You said as much on that Saturday morning as I drove back from the power station..... Why then did you have to say, "Sharon says we cannot reconnect and our marriage is over.....but we can do whatever WE want".....then you say to her you want to try. Try for what? Our marriage.....no you say that you told her you wanted to be with me but I get told you want to "try to be with me"......so I go into overdrive "win my wife back mode"......Nett result, I lose my wife..... I have gone over and over and over that "mistake"...... I ignored the advice given by folks on this website because I believed I could win your heart and make it all better between us. I got onto medication and felt the change for the better....I dealt with the major cause of my deep seated pain and anger through IC and laid a demon to rest......all for nothing in the end. Yet you happily accept an overseas trip.....you happily accept a gift of US$2000 earings......you say "Yes" to me in answer to my proposal of renewing our vows made to you at the top of the Eifel Tower in Paris......and a WEEK LATER, you tell me in hospital (where you say I drove you) and following a visit from your lover, that "You have to go".... I cannot put into words the utter destruction that caused me but I have accepted that I have lost you to the OM.... and I don't want you back now ever. Nicky, as I said to you the other day, I don't hate you, and nothing will change the fact that we have a beautiful child together.....you are half responsible for her and who she is. Your choices have caused irreparable damage to the relationship you had with Caryn but a new relationship will be formed in time. I wish you well in your new life. I hope you find happiness and the 20% I was unable to give you. Good bye my love." | |||
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