Things are getting worse

When I sat in front of my laptop half an hour ago, I wanted to spill it all out at once... Now I am in doubt again. To be honest, I cannot come with any firm decision in my life again anymore. Am I getting crazy or just tired with everything... My wife started to blame me for every little thing, that gone wrong, or just could have gone that way. I have become very reactive to every argument and we started to argue about every small mistake or thing that we do - why I sold that old radiator, why I bought that old caravan and cannot finish remaking it, why I watch TV late, why I want some BBQ and beer at the weekend - maybe I have an alcohol problem? Why I bought that tool, which anyway will be laying around in the garage, I have no right to sell old stuff to clear my garage, I cannot make decisions just because of that old van rusting in our yard, which I cannot finish. She let me choose something and then blames me that the thing does not fit the window, is of wrong colour etc, etc, etc... We are living far away from all our parents and former friends, we moved to other country in 2007. We have 3 beautiful kids, who are cared for and the oldest one just got to a really good high school. I have not seen my mother for a few years and all my friends from old days are now dispersed around the globe. Wife thinks, that my mother is evil and wants only to screw her life. This is why I am even afraid to get her invited to our place. Once I accidentally insulted my wife, while on the phone with my mother. I told something like 'she has wrong mood again today', and my wife heard me saying that. After 2 years I am still being reminded this every time we argue. My wife and me are both self employed, but recently had businesses going very slow and we had to move to a smaller rented house on the outskirts of our town. At home my wife does most of the chores, I am helping her in the morning and driving kids to clubs. Thing is that I'm something of a slow character and my wife is more like trying to be 'pushy' on me. When my work got slow 4 years ago, she decided that instead of looking for something more to add, I should go to uni to finish my education and try to get different career. I thought that this is the wonderful thing to do, as back then we had no financial problems at all. But things changed rapidly. I did not get the place I wanted at uni, instead I just jumped into the only course offered to me, subjects of which was real strangers to me. After long and painful 3 years and failed final project, I suggested my wife that maybe it would be cheaper and more economical to just go back to work. She did not even listened to me, started to scream etc. I decided to go back and resit whole module again. But I have failed for the second time, my project was a failure and I had lost the chance to get a degree. If I will tell this to my wife, our marriage might be over. I am afraid of it and afraid to lose the contact with my kids. While I was learning, I also kept running my business and my wife kept on working too. But our family cash fell around 50% due to my costs and kids school and clubs. I think this is also influencing our relations. My wife calls me lazy in front of our kids, I ask her not to be hysterical, but then she starts to bang the table and treat me like a &$%^. She tells me that if not thanks to her, I would be a bum with the can of beer sitting under the bridge with my friends, that I would blow all our money on rubbish projects etc, etc. I am not lazy or anything, we had B&B business before and I enjoyed it a lot. I liked being out in the wild, cutting grass, fixing things and having a beer on the lake in the evening... I must say that I drink very little, maybe few bottles of whiskey a year. When we have a party somewhere, I have got drunk few times with my best friend. My wife was not 'happy' about that, I am an alcoholic with the need of some help in her opinion. When she argued about it, I had that really bad hangover and I have raised my voice few times. Then she told me to get help soon or leave and go move to my friend :scratchhead: All she wants me to do is to discuss every decision with her, but as a result of every discussion we get her decision or an argument and my decision being some kind of evil thing. Like if I hear knocking under our car, I find broken exhaust pipe and I suggest on getting it welded at local garage, she jumps right at me and tells that I want only to spend our 'fortune' and to go and fix it myself... God, I cannot even fix a bike, how can I weld that pipe? Or, when I bought that 'unlucky' truck and started restoring it, I had to discuss on some parts that it needed. She told me that I have enough parts already and basically I just want to spend and not do anything. I am really sick of this life, I cannot see any meaning in anything I do anymore. My business is not making me happy anymore, I cannot concentrate anymore, I miss important appointments, I find no meaning in life anymore, the actions of my wife is becoming a bad dream to me. Everything I think of is named 'stupid', or 'crazy', or god knows what else. One evening she is nice to me, another - screams and bangs the worktop! And just because I decided to sell some old piece from our garage... My post may sound a bit childish, but I am just looking for any workable solution, which could not ruin our marriage. I know, I can 'grow a backbone' etc, but it will get us nowhere just because she will want the same and we will be at war again... She won't go to counseling or other thing, and I know I will be at blame and offered emergency head check from her, if I suggested it.

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