Falling out of love and affairs-HELP!!

Hello everyone. I am in the WORST kind of emotional pain and need advice. First, let me explain my situation. It will be similar to others I have read about, but here it goes: I have been married for 20 years and recently caught my wife in an emotional affair with a mutual friend. She claims that sex was not involved...only kissing. She says she loves this other man. When I caught her, she told me that she had fallen out of love with me. She still loves me...but doesn't feel that connection any more. She agreed to stop talking with the other man, but I caught her again this past weekend telling him she loved him on the phone (by text). I flipped out and told her to either break it off or we would tell the kids (one is in college and the other is in high school) why she is packing her bags and moving out. She broke it off with the other man. My wife says that the affair has made her realize how unhappy she has been for the past several years. This blew me away. I just didn't see it. We have had many wonderful times as recently as last summer on a vacation...both as friends and as lovers. We have always been very compatible in the bedroom. I did sense a lack of intimacy over the past few months...but not years! In truth, I have been very "clingy" over the past few months because I could sense the lack of intimacy. Of course, this just pushed her away. She claims that the other relationship has taken a couple of years to blossom and they bonded over his own marriage problems. The past couple of months it escalated into kissing and meeting for dinner, etc. She felt the change starting to occur about 5 years agao when I was going through anxiety problems and didn't feel like doing anything. She says that she feels we have grown apart and changed. She isn't I wouldn't wish the pain I am in on my worst enemy. I am still deeply in love with her and don't know what to do. We are going to marriage counseling soon, but I am not sure how much it will help if she has been unhappy for that long. Neither one of us wants to separate because we don't want the kids, family, and our close friends to know what is going on. So here are my questions: How long will the pain last that I am feeling? I know that I have to give my wife space and "fix myself" in order to become attractive to her again...but how do I do this while we are still living under the same roof? How do I give her space without wondering if she is secretly meeting with him again? Is it possible for my wife to fall back in love with me? I do not want to go through a divorce for several reasons, but I also don't want to live in a marriage where my wife isn't in love with me. Has anyone else out there gone through something similar? What advice to you have? Can this marriage survive?

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