| I know we all feel very unique in our feelings, especially when they are troubling feelings. However, I am curious if I really am feeling a unique (not normal) desperation and sadness within my marriage. I have been married for almost 4 years. No kids. Living together for over 8 years. When we met, he opened my mind, we chatted til late hours, we did fun things together. It seems like its been, well--4 years since we have really had FUN together. It all seems like work. It all revolves around arguments and resentment. ************************************************* I have been thinking of divorce for almost a year now. The main thing holding me back is that I am afraid this is as good as it gets. So QUESTION: Is this as good as it gets? Is there hope for a marriage to remain fun, inspiring, respectful and interesting? Did I just find a bad match? How many people have an honestly engaging, fun and enjoyable, steamy and romantic marriage after 10, 15, 20, 30 years? Is this possible? ************************************************* (WARNING: Rant ahead. Sorry...need to get it off my chest.) I can't tell you how many times I have just pleaded with him that, "I just want to have fun with you!" And it never happens. We just argue and go about our days eating, watching TV and fighting. In fact, dining out and shopping are really the only things he will do with me. Even then, he always finds a way to belittle me or make the entire experience sour for me. I have the most fun while I am with friends. And then, he always tries to turn it around on me, "Oh, you just go off and have fun without me. You are always having fun without me. I never get to do anything fun." It's like he is trying to guilt me into having a good time. *I travel a lot for my work and have colleague friends who I meet up with once or twice a year. The things he used to say he liked doing while we were dating are no longer true. I am not sure if he used the bait and switch or what? Maybe I did not even realize it until we are now in the thick of it. He never goes out with me to do things I enjoy with my friends that he, at one point, said he enjoyed. He has even changed his stance on lifestyle choices. Before we were married, he detested fast food for the most part. Now, that is just about all he will eat. He complains about everything I cook and sometimes refuses to eat what I make. Pretty much the only thing he will eat is fast food, pizza (with HIS choice of toppings), tacos and steak. He even taught me to cook many delicious ethnic foods when we were dating. He no longer will eat those things. I have had a couple milestone events in my life since we have been married and he has not congratulated me in the least. He acts as if it is a chore to attend my special events or anything else that honors my professional accomplishments. I feel a deep pain in my stomach when I see couples smile and laugh, embracing in joyous hugs at these events as they support one another. I do not have that. We don't laugh together anymore. At all. We do not smile at one another. Ever. When I look at him longingly, he asks me what is wrong and why am I staring at him. I am not attracted to him in the least anymore. His hygiene has gone to the wayside in the last couple years. I have talked to him about this when he argues with me about intimacy...telling him that I cannot be attracted to him while his poor grooming habits remain inferior. When he does take care of himself, he expects me to jump on him but he never seduces me and then resents me for it. As of this moment, it is Saturday night and he has not showered since at least Tuesday. I left the country a couple weeks ago for the first time, by myself, for work. He tried to make me feel spoiled about the whole thing, saying it was nothing but a vacation for me (yes, I DID do fun things and stay out of the country for a week to sightsee and make the trip worth my time/money) and how it was unfair and how I was costing him work for him to drop me off and pick me up from the airport. When he picked me up, he was more than an hour late (after my international flight) and then I watched him drive right passed me. He did not even see me. When he finally came back around a second time, he just yelled at me and told me about how there was traffic. Was I wrong to think he would have been there, waiting for my arrival with a warm and longing embrace? I thought he would have wanted to greet me as soon as I came home.......or maybe I am spoiled? There is no romance. There is no laughter. There is no respect. I have tried talking to him about it but he just gets angry and defensive. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refuses because he thinks it is a waste of money. I feel like that is him saying our marriage is not worth it. I am sorry this is so long, but I am curious......is this how marriage turns out? How many of you still feel a fire inside for one another after several or more years? How many of you have an honest to goodness great time with one another? Is there laughter and fun in your marriages? | |||
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