| 9 Years ago, I was admitted to an Adolescent Youth Facility or as I like to call it.. Mental Health Clinic. I was a young Teenager at that time 14 or 15 I was Bottling up my emotions, and Self Inflicting to Temporarily escape my Pain.. with a Razor I don't know why I did it Sometimes I wanted to die and sometimes I just got a temporary high from watching myself bleed to know I was alive. Of course one night it went too far and was clearly visible. I at that time lived in a home with my Maternal Grandparents, Mother 2 brothers, 2 cousins and Aunt. I Seemed to stay under the radar, My Mother and I never had a perfect relationship and with my grandparents my Cousins and Brothers where always first and I was always last.. While staying at the Clinic for 2 weeks I opened up a bout a lot my mother and father were brought in several times for questions some left unanswered I'll never forget the question my Mother asked my Therapist duri ng one of our meetings.. whats wrong with her? Dr said.. "Mom, your child clearly needs a lot more hugs, and told how important she is a lot more often.. and the bomb was dropped.. Also you and her father can expect the police to be phoning or dropping by your home, we have filed a statement taken from your daughter regarding her relationship with her eldest brother." I can't really remember all the times it happened I just remember clearly the first and last.. It started as young as 6 years old when my mother would work for long hours and dad would leave to go pick up some groceries or things like that.. My brother was old enough to watch my brother and I.. He was 8 years older than me. My brother was always the pervy touchy type, so i always told myself after it happened that this was normal and what brothers and sisters were supposed to do.. I wont go into details about it because its painful for me. Long story short Everyone then knew that day after the meeting what My b rother had done to me, he openly admitted to it and cried telling me how sorry he was.. i at the time felt like i had forgiven him through the years I would realize that I practically raised myself from childhood to adulthood Mom was always working and when she did have time for me.. she wanted nothing much to do with me unless it was to her standards and her wants. Dad was in and out of his mind battling mental illnesses and while my Second eldest brother was off with his friends and in church with grandparents id be left with my cousins or other brother. I stared working at a young age and even though it was my duty living with my mom after her and my fathers divorce to pay some money for rent i was always giving extra here and there for her to buy groceries or something like that which i would later find out she wasn't doing anything at all with my money except blowing it on nicacs and things like that while our bills were piling up. From 15 and to currently i have worked dead end jobs, I remained in contact with my brother through the years but it was always distanced he would always say something make me cringe with disgust and later i would catch myself alone wondering why i was still upset by his actions and words. i also was disgusted when my other brother that i had somewhat a better relationship with decided to name his son after our brother. when i was 13 the molesting brother was injured because of his own stupidity from drugs.. he will never walk again i think i somewhat forgave him a lot because i kind of felt sorry for him anyways long story short lots has happened in recent weeks I am the blacksheep of the family my 2 cousins still live with grandparents they are in their 20s don't work don't go to college they stay at home on computers or out partying all day and night they get free room and board my brother is living with them while my mom ran off to another state and I have been treated what i feel like pretty unfair by most of them.. I spent my whole life thinking i needed them until recently realizing I have made it just fine on my own.. but now that I have shared with you some of the history I..really wanted to share that to simply ask.. Since I have cut all ties with my extended family I seem to be thinking back on my childhood more and more though I find myself Repeating word for word what I so desperately want to Say to my family and I catch myself grinding my teeth and clutching together my fists. but I am seriously for the most part happy now.. actually I find myself smiling more and more and not thinking about it for the most part.. so I just want to know.. is it wrong of me to still feel ill towards my family and my brother? to not want to have anything to do with them are these feelings okay, normal and valid? |
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