| Hi, I know it is bad that this is my first post, I used to be on TSR a few years ago but can't remember my password or username I used to use and just needed people to talk to about this as I can't talk to anyone I know. I am 24 and for those 24 years I have lived a what I thought was a good life. I am religious and have always helped others when I can and gone to Church when I can, it is a little more difficult now that I work and must work most weekends. I suppose at the age of 20 I began to go to a sex shop frequently and I now have a huge collection of adult dvds and magazines. I was intrigued by sex and the images of good looking ladies doing dirty things and I always toyed with the idea of having sex but never thought I would do something like that until I was married or at least in a good, strong relationship. I have in the past bought used underwear from ladies and even enjoy buying ladies clothes and underwear from shops. It gives me a li ttle thrill and rush. One lady I bought underwear from was from Gumtree and the others were escorts from a website who I'd arranged just to meet to buy underwear from. A couple of days ago I arranged to meet a new lady from the escort site to buy underwear from and we ended up having sex, unprotected oral but protected everything else. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself that I lost my virginity in this way. What worries me is I didn't have more power to stop myself from doing it. What worries and scares me more is that I enjoyed it and part of me wants to go back to see her again. However I think this may be the wake up call I needed, I have stepped back and looked at my life, I have a good family, good friends and they all have good morals, a good job and generally I should be a happy person. The dvds, magazines, clothes, lingerie, underwear bought from ladies, the meeting with the escort, they are all things only I know about, like a secret life and I just can't go on like this lying to myself that I am a person with good morals and pretending this side of me isn't real. There is a time in August when my family will be away and part of me wants to revisit the lady and this time take a video of it and then leave it at that, that will be the last time, and I will stop buying the clothes, dvds, magazines etc but the other part of me, which I am really trying hard to do is I want to visit a walk in clinic, get tested for any STIs I may have picked up and visit a Priest and have a chat with him in confession about what I have done and how bad I feel even though I am very worried and nervous about this. I know some of you will laugh at that but to me it is something I need to do to feel as if I can be forgiven and it will take a lot of guilt away. Part of me realises I may have a sex addiction, why else would I have such a big collection of these things or why else would I have gone to an escort and done what I did? I think I just need help an d was wondering if there is any advice anyone could give me? The thing I really want to do is sort this out but a small part of me wants to go back to her, but for some reason I really don't want to get rid of my collection of dvds, clothes and magazines. I guess I am just asking if anyone here can help me or has any advice? Please be nice though, this is a serious question and what I have written here may seem a little farfetched but it is all totally true. |
No comments:
Post a Comment