How to deal with a depressed partner

Trigger for this post My girlfriend was previously a happy, quirky person with a zest for life that I admired but she has now become very depressed. I understand depression from personal experience, and I'm not the most happy person in the world at the moment myself, but it's so difficult and energy-sapping talking to her on the phone (me home from uni for the summer). For instance I mentioned just now that I had job interviews tomorrow and far from getting the "good luck" and encouragement you might expect, that set her off because it implied I might not be able to come back and see her as easily this summer. She is facing a few problems, if you'll bear with me. Stroke 1. Her mum had a stroke last spring and is recovering in the grandparents' house, which is small and poky. Four of them are living in the cluttered house designed for two people and there are constant arguments and put-downs due to the stress. My girlfriend is very close to her mum and will not leave her. My girlfriend's dad has vicious arguments with his mother-in-law. He has a house but cannot care for her there due to his job, with which he pays for care and renovations to the house for her eventual move back in. Job 2. She is working at a highly stressful job which is her first experience of working life after a long youth spent cavorting on her parents' money. Having set the bar for enjoyment so high she has spoiled herself. She also has an entitlement complex about it, for example she thinks £14k a year is a poor wage even though there is career progression, the people are nice, she's good at it and it is in her field. Friends 3. Her friends are stuck in a depressing rut, still talking about the same things/playing the same roles/chasing the same guys/going to the same pub they have been for over two years. Her more interesting friends have moved away. The remaining ones are jealous and vindictive of her career success and her new friends at work, and despite her making the effort and often subsidising their drinks and excursions, they are constantly being petty and putting her down. Cannot escape 4. She deals with her own disability (which she is at pains to not acknowledge) and has been encouraged by her parents to remain dependent on them and their largesse. The whole family has its tentacles in each other's business. My problems For my part, I am also dealing with the deterioration of my brother's mobility due to an incurable neurodegenerative condition. His world has shrunk dramatically, four walls of the house and all that. My parents are similarly depressed and my mum has recently been driven out of her job (this kind of thing imbalances them further). Myself, I have been working in France for the past year and have been cripplingly lonely, reading the doom and gloom in the papers, worrying and denying myself basic pleasures so I can save up money. Our relationship in the past year In light of my own difficulties I am finding it very difficult to deal with my girlfriend's depression. I feel that she is becoming dependent on me to have a bit of escapism in her life, particularly since I've been living so far from her for the past year. When we have met up/been out together, or on short holidays we have been on recently, I have felt like she is dragging me round just to say she's been up the, I don't know, Eiffel tower with her boyfriend or whatever. There has been tremendous pressure for these meetings to go perfectly in terms of activities ticked off, enjoyment had, and for me, sexual performance. Needless to say this is all very expensive (she pays for most of it) and it is all stuff she wants to do on her terms. It would be OK if we/she had a group of friends who were actually nice, up for things and supportive when needed. That could provide the necessary cheap, local-pub-based escapism. Instead it feels like me and her are increasingly isolated and meeting up desperately. Conclusion I love the girl to bits and she is literally the most important person in my entire life, past or present. But I feel as if our relationship is increasingly pathological because she's relying on me being there all the time. That's really hard to do given the way life is when you're a student/in your first jobs. And when with her I feel like my presence is "tokenistic", if that makes sense, like I'm there because she needs me not because she wants me. The whole thing seems desperate, like we are just surviving from one day to the next and any disruption such as me breaking up with her will bring the entire house of cards crumbling down. Also, it goes without saying, she has become withdrawn and shy in bed. tl;dr My long-term girlfriend has become depressed and is clinging to me as a crutch to paper over the cracks. I feel like we don't have room in the difficult circumstances to actually have fun and feel trapped. I feel like our relationship is empty but needs to be maintained until such time as things start to come together again. We have barely any friends at the moment to help. I'm really sorry at the length of this but hopefully someone will read it and offer advice. I have tried to put headings. I hope she doesn't read this forum or she will know it's her.

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