Don't know what to do!!

Hello and thanks for taking time to read my post. I appreciate any advice. I have been married for 20+ years. We have always been very much in love but over the last few years there have been some serious problems. We even separated for a couple of months but are now back together. I will leave out the problems which led to the separation but being away from him helped me to realize what a "controlling" man I was married to. He has always been very jealous. I have always had to explain everything I do, (where I go, who I'm with, what we talked about, etc.) He has always had a fear of me cheating on him even though I never gave him a reason to feel that way. It has always been ok for him to have female friends, but I can not have male friends. He never even wanted me to have a job. Now that we are back together and working on our marriage, I have confronted him with these things. He says he never meant to be that way and didnt realize thats what he was doing. He works out of town and is constantly calling me. He says he just calls because he misses me so much. I dont know maybe that is true but I cant help but wonder if he is just trying to keep track of me. He keeps a check on my phone and emails. It has been really hard trying to put things back together (remember I am leaving out a LOT of details of our problems here) but I have become very depressed. I mentioned to him that I would like counseling for myself. (not marriage counseling as I think we are beyond that point and I dont think he would be honest in the conversations). He got upset that I wanted to get professional help and asked if I was unhappy with him and wanted to find out how to leave him. He said I should just talk to him. There was a time before we separated that I mentioned this and he said a therapist would just brainwash me and talk me into leaving him. I think that may be the problem now. The truth is I am not happy in this marriage. I love him dearly and I know he loves me, but I dont think we will ever have what we had before. There are times when I just want to walk out and never look back, and other times I cant stand the thought of being without him. If I did decide to leave, I know he would not peacefully let me go. (I went thru that before). He will not accept divorce or even separation. He knows how to talk to me and make me believe everything is ok and he knows how to make me feel sorry for him. I am very weak around him and I dont know how to leave, or if that is what I really want. I really honestly do love him. My mind is a wreck!! I'm not even sure if this post makes sense. I hope there is someone out there who can give me a little advice here. I just dont know what to think anymore or what to do. Please help!!!!! :confused:

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979