| Growing up, girls are taught not be sexually promiscuous. We're told 'Don't have sex before marriage. ' My parents didn't let me date in high school. I specifically remember being told "the farmer won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free." I went off to college - my first experience of life on my own, without my parents watching my every move. I ended up pregnant before Christmas that year. This wasn't my intent, it just happened. I never dreamed that *I* would get pregnant. For the next 30 years, I've been in parent mode. I was a single parenthood with my first child - raised him basically on my own. Years later, I married and had my second child so I could 'do it the right way, with the daddy there.' I thought my ex and I would be together forever. I thought we were the perfect couple. We thought alike, got along well, finished each other's sentences, never argued, never fought. I wanted our kids to be happy in their adult life the way we were. He was my best friend. When something exciting happened at work, I couldn't wait to share it with him. When I was sad or angry, I just wanted him to hold me. Again, I thought we'd be together FOREVER. My ex was an OTR truck driver for probably half of our marriage. He was gone anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks at a time. When he was home, he was usually only home for 2-3 days. During his visits, we probably had sex twice. The first 24 hours, he was usually a zombie and slept most of the time. Plus I worked fulltime and more often than not, his time home happened during my work week. Normal life still goes on - kids' activities, household chores, getting his laundry done while he was home, shopping for him to restock the truck, etc. It's a lot to pack into the short amount of time that he was home. Then there was a period of time where he was home most every night for like 5 years. During this time, we had sex probably once a week. My ex always stayed up late at night - midnight or 1 am.. Where I went to bed at 10 pm every night. Once in a while, he would come to bed when I did.. This was my clue that he wanted sex. We mostly had weekend morning sex. We never spoke about sex. He never said he wasn't happy, or that he wasn't satisfied, or that he wasn't getting it often enough. I work in tech support. No news is usually good news. When there's a problem, end users normally let you know. The last year of our marriage, he went back on the road again. He was gone 3-6 weeks at a time again. We went back to cramming everything we needed to get done in the 2-3 days he was home. Then 9 months ago, he told me he wanted a divorce. That I wasn't affectionate enough, we didn't have sex often enough. I've found out a lot since that day - and while I'm much better off without him (Karma bus hit him right between the eyes) I keep going back to his initial statement that 'I wasn't affectionate enough, didn't have sex enough.' This is what brought me to TAM. Call me naïve, but NO ONE TOLD ME what 'normal frequency' was. I must have missed the manual 'How to be a good wife to your man'. I honestly never knew that men had a physical need to have sex and that if they go without it for extended periods of time it messes with there wellbeing. My mom surely didn't tell me what I should expect. My ex didn't tell me he wasn't happy. I never had a clue that he wasn't happy, or that he felt the way he did. His asking for the divorce was so unpredicted. And once he started down this path, no amount of persuasion would convince him that our marriage was worth working on. He wouldn't agree to counseling or anything. It took him leaving, and me looking for answers to find out what nobody every talks about. I know some will say he was probably having an affair. He swears he wasn't. If he was or if he wasn't isn't my point. For all of those who post here that you're in a sexless marriage, don't assume that your partner knows what you want or need. They. Honestly. May. Not. Know. TELL THEM. Don't assume. TALK ABOUT IT. OFTEN. Communicate. Let there be no doubt what it comes to your needs. Spell it out for your spouse. Our divorce has been final for 4 months now. And like I said, in my case, it turned out to be a good thing for me as he's had a string of bad luck (was mixed into drugs, had a seizure, lost his job, has no money and is now deep in debt). I will probably never re-marry because I have no desire to have my heart ripped out again. I still miss my best friend. | |||
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