| Hello everybody. I'm writing to vent and hopefully to get some advice... - me 35, spanish; she 25, russian; married 1 year ago after 1 year of relationship - leaving in Hong Kong; me good job, she phd student I must say I love her and for sure she loves me, but in her way and by no means in the way I expected to be in a marriage. The problem began some months ago... I have a free home back in my country and she asked weather her family can use it during a future trip (of course). On December she come up saying they were going during the Chinese vacations (February) and that she *had* to go as well. This was a big disappointment for me, I wanted to go on vacation with her, not with her family. Plus the cost of that vacation was insanaley high for just one week. And keep in mind that on December we went together in Spain and she went back home for two weeks. We had long discussions and fights abut eventually I had to go back home for personal problems, so finally the trip happened. That was the worst week of my recent life: I really opened my eyes on the fact that I am not her family, her mother and her sister are. She even paid the vacation to her mother, with "her money" (easy to save money when you don't have to pay for anything else and you go to university by taxi!). But it's not finished... Back in HK she come up she wanted to go on vacation this summer with her family for 3 weeks! And after she need to go to Russia for documents for oher 3 weeks... Explanation was because she always did, she need to see her family, there is nothing wrong etc etc. Forgetting that she would leave me here working alone for almost two month. Endless pain and fights. I really reconsidered my marriage and decided to wait to heve children (we were trying). But for her nothing was more important than this vacation with her beloved. We come to an agreement of 10 days of vacation (reasonable). After a while she try to bargain about it again! End of it I told her that if she was coming back even one day after the door would be closed. I knew from the beginning her family would be a trouble but I thought that several thousands of km would help... not much, the problem is her and not her family! This is one of the problems (deciding without me, putting me after "her family")... the other is money. As I told you she is not working and I support her completely. I make a good salary at the moment but next year everything could change. We live a very comfortable life, we go out we travel etc. But I don't give her a lot of pocket money. I don't buy expensive clother for her (or me), I don't feel comfortable to. I want this as a temporary situation: she must find a job or something for herself. She sees it in the complete opposite way: "you don't want me to be independet, that's why you don't give me money". This is on the limit of pathology, in my opinion. The thing is I am not sure anymore if she is willing to find a job for real or not. At words she is, she even left her family to study chinese in a dfferent country, living a difficult life (her family is ok back home). But now I think she would prefer to be a wealthy houswife. The thing is I don't want, I am not sure about my future job and I want her to be independent (for real). The other day problems again over her birthday. She somewhat felt I did not care enough about it and come up with something like "I would better to not expecting anything from you, so I will not be disappointed as I always am". This is too much. I see she come out pretty bad from this descriptions: obiouvsly is not all like this. And I have my share of guilt, I know it. But I feel sometime I am dealing with teenager girlfriend and not to my wife, with whom I want to build a family and a future. Ok, she is young, not experienced and we have culture and language barrier but I feel like I am hitting a wall here. Thanks, M | |||
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