| I've been reading these forums on and off since last summer and I feel like it's finally time to post my story. Wife and I have been together since Sept. 2001, married since Oct. 2007. One child (just turned 3), one dog, and a house. We had previously lived together in an apartment since 2004. We probably started to grow apart when we purchased the house in June 2008. We're both smokers, she wanted to make the entire house non-smoking. We smoked in our apartment so I didn't like this idea. We "agreed" to make the office an OK place to smoke but not the rest of the house. Consequently, when home in the evenings, I spent a majority of my time there on the computer while she would sit downstairs and watch TV. I think I resented her for creating that separation though the fault is just as much mine. She was also not as active with cleaning and yard work as I thought a homeowner should be so I begun to resent that as well. It wasn't so bad that we didn't move forward with our plans to have a child, and that might have been stupid. After a few months of trying, she becomes pregnant in July 2009. I suppose I wasn't ready for it, so I panic. I panic in probably the worst way I possibly can...telling her we aren't ready, we need to stop it, etc. She's begging me to just be happy about having a family and love her, etc. I treat her like crap, a lot of the time. I was pretty emotionally unavailable in this time where she needed me most. I know, it's terrible. It's probably the biggest regret of my life. Our son is born premature in March of 2010. From the moment he was born there was never a doubt in my mind of my love and devotion to him. But I never grew up around newborns or had any experience with them, it was difficult. Plus the wife and I still weren't feeling that close so we weren't really doing it together. I did take good care of her recovering from her c-section surgery and tried to be there for her much better but with the previous nine months and the stress of a newborn, something was broken. After about six months in I've really gotten the hang of being a father and I just love it and love my son. I was hoping that would also bring us closer together. In some ways, it seems like it had. We go on trips together, running errands, doing things with our son, etc. But we still don't have a close one-on-one connection, we don't spend much time together after our son is in bed. This is probably the point that I should have known changes had to be made but we both just kept going, keeping up the day-to-day. Fast-forward to December 2011, I don't remember the conversation we're having but I get the ILYBINILWY and she didn't see the marriage lasting. It floored me. I said that's not at all what I want, maybe we should see a marriage counselor. She said no, that we would just hurt each others feelings. OK, so we just soldier on. At this point I am actively trying to spend more time with her and talk more and all those things. We actually start having sex again, though infrequently, but I'm pretty happy about that since it had been like 6 months of nothing. But something is off — she's going out much more than she ever has before, a lot of times both Friday and Saturday night, and staying out until like 3AM. I'm trying not to push the issue too much and "be cool" since I'm so afraid she'll pull the plug and leave. Though, more and more, I'm starting to get consumed with paranoia about something going on. Especially with a male "friend" of hers that she seems to talk about more and more. This goes on until July 2012. She comes in the door around 3AM, again, and I'm finally fed up. I tell her I'm sick of this, no more going out all the time until 3AM. I'm done with that. She agrees and says OK. The next night she goes out with a friend to a movie and is home by 10PM. So this is looking good so far. The next day we're all sitting around, my wife is napping, son is playing with her phone, and he hands it to me. Something came over me and I decided to look at her text messages (I had never done this before). She was texting with a friend about two nights previous, talking about "going over there", sucking his d*ck, he never texted her back, and she feels like a dumb girl. I blow up and wake her up demanding to know. After several lies she owns up. It's the same guy she always talks about, insists that's the only thing physical that has ever happened. I, stupidly, believe it and start crying, etc., saying how much I love her and want us to be together. She says she previously thought it was over but with how much she has hurt me she might be reconsidering. I'm a mess at that point, to where I have a hard time even being apart from her. We're doing the hyperbonding thing, lots of sex, etc. From tips from the infidelity forum, I demand to keep tabs on her. Check her phone records, she has to take pictures of where she is, check in with me, etc. We start to see a marriage counselor, but she still doesn't seem "all-in". I don't feel like she is as remorseful as she should be. Come October I discover she's been texting with him, under a different name on her phone. When I discover this she lies about it and makes up stories until I show her I know his number and the numbers match. From the texts it appears they were just quoting movies and stupid sh*t but that still isn't OK. This happens one more time in December. At that point she says she is done with texting him, it's pointless and as long as we're still together she is done. I block his number from her phone and still diligently check phone records. As the months have gone by I believe her more and more — it's over. Christmas day 2012, she asks me to get something from her purse, I see a "letter" in there (it's written like a letter but not addressed or anything). Later that night I flip through it. It's to him...kind of a love letter it seems (she says it was written to purge her feelings), she mentions the sex and how great it was. So I confront her, she admits to one time. From more prodding, it was many times. I don't know how many, but I don't think that really matters. Basically they started hanging out summer 2011. She lied to me about her whereabouts because she says I would have had a problem with their friendship (that is true). It turned physical in about February 2012. They were hanging out, watching TV, drinking, having sex, most weekends. She would lie to me and tell me she was with other friends. She said she only agreed to MC because she felt bad about hurting me, but she didn't want to do it. She still thinks the marriage is over and we have nothing. We both agree to IC for a number of months to work things out and see where we stand. That has been going on for two months. Last week we're talking and I push the issue — what are we doing? She says she's done, we need to divorce. I get pissed, tell her to leave. This past Saturday she spent the day preparing a room for her and our son at her parents house. I rescinded a little and said I'm not in a hurry for her to leave, mostly for our son (though truthfully, I don't want her gone either). So this seems like it's it. We're still living together, still sleeping together oddly enough (no sex though). She's meeting with an attorney this Wednesday, one that specializes in collaboration. She's being very nice about things, and wants us to end things amicably. I don't know what to do. She seems to be pushing this forward but I don't want this. I've had really bad trust issues since finding out about the affair and have been very controlling with her going out. This may have pushed her away some but I think she should be more understanding. She says we would share custody of our son, no problem, but I don't want that. I don't want to be a part-time Dad. I want my family intact. I love her more than anything in the world, sometimes I don't know why after things she's done, but I still do. I don't want her gone, I don't want our son gone, I don't want to dismantle our lives. But I can't make her love me. I know that. I just don't know what to do and I feel so hopeless and heartbroken. We've both made some bad choices, and she fully admits her affair was a very bad decision, but I made a huge mistake too. I took her for granted and didn't tend to her or our relationship. I won't make these mistakes in the future but I don't want someone else. I want my wife and the mother of our son. But it seems like it might be too late. What do I do? I really feel like I'm falling apart. This is probably long enough already so I'll stop here. I don't know what to do. | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment