| 32 years old, married for 10 years, 2 kids - 8 (with medical and developmental issues) and 2. Both kids are about the only beams of sunshine left in my life. When I married, my wife loved sex. She had been abused earlier, but years of councelling and a careful, patient boyfriend (me) helped tremendously. We talked about anything we wanted, anything we were curious about, were open to anything. We wanted to respect each other, and hold each other up so we could each be the best we could be. Fast Forward 3 years. Had our first child. She has CF. Lots of medicine, lots of doctors. I'm working, so wife stays at home and learns all about it. Handles scheduling appointments, masters the language. She's champ. I praise her constantly. Sex dwindles. From 3 times a week to once a month. She feels bad about it, tells me to enjoy porn without her to make up the difference. Moved. New house. She doesn't trust me to care for our daughter. Every time I go to pull meds, she reminds me 'now, it's 30 of X, and 50 of Y.' Then she doublechecks to make sure I got it right before i give it. Starts to show up in other aspects of life - I put up a shelf, she yells at me for taking chances (I worked as a carpenter for 2 years - NOW she's concerned I'll cut a finger off?) Two years later. She is queen of the house. "All ways are my ways." If I cook dinner for her, she yells at me because she already thawed hot dogs and 'why don't I ever stop to consider her plans?' If I clean the cabinet, I'm 'being inconsiderate for making it impossible for her to find anything. If I sing or play the piano, I'm 'riling up the kids' or 'giving her a headache.' If she wants to go on vacation and I can't (or don't) she packs up the children and goes. I tell her I think we ought to start looking about potty training our boy, she blows up at me for two months. I don't know if cleaning the house will win me praise or punishment. I start to disengage. She complains about me looking at porn. Going 4-5 months between sex at times. 8 is our record. 4-5 months is the compromise. I can't initiate. Accuses me of chasing other women, of being unfaithful to her. I tell her I'm not happy with how things stand, she blows up that I'm a monster for not considering her needs. For saying she's the problem. So it happens. An emotional affair with a woman who provided me all the respect and awe and trust that my wife did not. Eventually became physical - although I never actually had sex with her. That would have been cheating to me. And it was wonderful. Other woman called it off - she felt too guilty for going on behind my wife's back. A few months ago, I told her the whole truth. She clamped down on my whole life. Arguments that were once every few weeks about me 'not being considerate' are now every other day about how me leaving the toilet set up is 'just another indication of how she can't trust me - after all, I did cheat on her!' Every choice I make, every thought I have, every word I say is proof that I'm an uncaring monster. And I am. I did cheat on her. I lost 35 pounds - she complains about needing to buy me new clothes and I still have man boobs. Today. We've been in MC for 2 months. I'm seeing an IC due to massive depression and suicidal thoughts. My sex drive is non-existant. My few friends outside the marriage are starting to tell me to stop contacting them - they can't handle my distress right now. My wife is trying. She's trying to treat me with respect, tells me she loves me, is letting me make decisions. When she's in the right mindset, it's almost like it used to be. Then she has a stressful day... and I'm a monster again. One day, she is concerned about me, wants to help me however I can... the next day I just need to 'man up' and stop being depressed. She has to force herself and struggle just to show me basic common courtesy. We talk about sex. She tells me she's reverted to being afraid of it, afraid of enjoying it. She lets me initiate, she just lays there. Tells me how much she enjoyed it, how good it was, we should do that more often... and then another 6 weeks pass. I tell her things I've thought about, ideas I've had - she breaks down, upset that she's not good enough for me. I love my wife. I made promises to her. I feel that she hasn't kept promises to me. I don't want to leave my kids. I don't know if there's anyone else out there that could be better than this - but I look at this, and I don't see myself being happy. Half the friends I have left say 'give it time' 'let her try' 'be fair to her - you did hurt her, after all.' The other half say 'is this fair to you?' 'is this really fair to your kids?' 'get away - get some space and perspective.' Every time I start to find hope and joy in the thought of leaving, she's super sweet. Every time I start to get comfortable in her sweetness, I can't bear the thought of leaving. Then a few weeks later, I'm miserable again - without hope. Help. | |||
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