Hello, this is my first time posting on this forum. Here's an overview of my situation. My H and I were becoming friends with a couple last year. He and OW started texted more regularly in early January and I was fine with that, I always trusted him. He then started changing. I found out a week later he was having an EA with this woman. It had been inappropriate for 2 weeks (lots of text and facebook messages, a couple phone calls, containing I love yous and talking about how they're the same "love languages" - if I never hear that phrase again in my lifetime it'll not be long enough - and their spouses are not). They said they would stop. A week later I found out that hadn't. I got my evidence and exposed to OWH and our families. This was early February. It's been a tough 2 months. I searched online to find ways to cope with this and came upon this on Shirley Glass' website. Infidelity Q&A, by Dr. Shirley Glass I will quote it below, but it really boggles my mind. H and OW wanted us all to be friends. H encouraged me to go with OW when she invited me places. When I think of us hanging out, with these two looking lovingly at each other and still texting inappropriately behind our backs I just want to claw my eyes out. Why do you think she would recommend this?? Quote:
Dear Dr. Glass,
My wife developed a friendship with a married man at our church. I found a greeting card she was going to send to his business that stated in no uncertain terms that "There is no one else I'd rather be with" and "I love you" - "Now throw this card away before someone sees it". My wife claims that she wouldn't have sent that card and also claims he doesn't have similar feelings, but I just don't believe her. They have also been carrying on Cell Phone conversations on a regular basis (she claims that all he is, is JUST a good friend, and that they don't have time to talk during the evening or on regular phones because they're just too busy). This is the only "friend" my wife has that never calls the house. She wants me to believe that it really is just a friendship now. I found that card about 3 months ago and want to believe her, but I just can't. I just don't believe that she can turn those kinds of feelings off that fast. Every time I try to talk to her about it she just tel ls me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and that I need to stop dwelling on that stupid card she wrote. What do you think?
Dear "Making a Mountain,"
Your wife sounds emotionally attached to this man and has developed a certain level of secrecy about her friendship with him. People often think a friendship is innocent if there is no physical intimacy. However, your dwelling on whether she would have sent the card and whether he feels the same way just gets into a conflict and misses the point. The point is that she has had strong feelings for him, talks to him frequently, and you are on the outside.
See if you can include this man and his wife as friends from church whom you can socialize with. If it is innocent, there will be no objections (unless she is afraid you will act in a way to embarrass her). I think you should ask your wife how you can be her best friend. You and your wife need to get in touch with each other's feelings and strengthen your bond. Take time to have fun together. Listen to her ideas with respect. If you are still uncomfortable about this friendship and she continues to deny the importance of it, you will probably need to get into couples therapy to resolve this issue. She is probably correct in saying that you are making a mountain, but it does not sound like this is only a molehill.
Reflectively yours,
Dr. Shirley Glass
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