| Hi Ladies, I hope I'm not intruding here. I've searched a few online forums and this just seems to be the best place, and I really need some advice and guidance. And I've seen others warn about length, so this will be long. I am not married, this is why I hope you all don't mind my company. I was, unfortunately, for 13 years. I have a great man in my life. We bonded and fell in love while going through our divorces. We've known each other for 8 years total, we're into year 2 as a couple. He has no children of his own, but adores mine, and wants children of his own someday. We love each other immensley, but like any other couple we have had some issues. I think we both know we moved a bit fast in jumping straight into a relationship, but at the same time we have no regrets. We just didn't allow ourselves time for personal growth or healing or what have you after our divorces. To the point. I'm having trust issues. Major ones. I know they date back to my childhood which wasn't so great. My mother is a drug addict and has bounced in and out of my life creating chaos from as early as I can remember. My father was single, young, and just didn't know how to be a dad at such a young age I guess. I was raised primarily by him and the woman I loved as a mother, my mother, my Granny. My father had relationships with women that I would get attached to and they'd leave in time. His 2nd wife was my mother for 7 years. It crushed my soul when she left my life and I didn't understand it then but I do now. Still, I learned early on to always keep my guard up with women/girls. This spilled over into boys, and men as well. My father, though a truly good man, wasn't a great father. I understand now, but as with the women I didn't as a child. I grew up too fast, always in long, unhealthy relationships. I was cheated on by every boy I dated, and again when I married (too young). I guess I really grew up feeling like I was not worthy of real love. I always felt that I was just not good enough. If my mother could choose drugs over her children, they must be unloveable. They must be bad children. I know now this is not the case. But that baggage has haunted me my entire life. I never saw myself as a needy girl/woman, but hind sight is always 20/20. I'm now in a relationship with a man I deeply love and we've had some issues. He lied to me twice, once 8 months in and again 3 months later. He had talked to women, 2 ex's, 1 being his ex-wife. Not sexually or romantically, just talked. The lie is what eats at me. I caught him by snooping through his phone. Snooping is not something I'd previously done, until he lied the first time and my gut told me the proof would be in his phone. After each "bust" he would be very apologetic and remorseful. I sensed that he was truly sorry. The 2nd lie was the worst one. I almost ended it completely, telling him I could not be with a man that I couldn't trust. We actually both agreed, in the heat of the moment that would be best. Then the reality of it all sank in and we just cried together. The few months leading up to that had been stressful and emotionally hard because of other things (me losing my job, ex H causing drama, Christmas, etc). We cried and we cried. At the end of the day, we agreed to give it time. Try to get out of the "funk" we were in, had been in. Although I agreed to forgive and move forward what I did was turn into a stalker. If he's 10 minutes late home from work, I'm pissed and wondering where he is. If his phone makes one sound I go into panic mode. If he doesn't call me when I feel like he should call me, I panic. I could go on all day about my crazy antics. The odd part is he's not given me one single reason since then to behave this way. Lie #2 girl has tried contacting him again. He's told me about it, shown me the messages. She backed off. Came back again, he was rude to her. He'd already told her their friendship was one that he could not have. She backed off and came back again. He was working. He txt me saying she was contacting him again, sent me her number and said take care of it. I did. And so far, not a peep. When he's off work he spends his time with me and the kids. He's very loving and affectionate. I've snooped, and grilled him, and been withdrawn when paranoia sets in and he's taken it. I can't t ell you how many times he's held me and said I know this is all my fault. If I could take it back, I would. He continues to apologize. I know in my heart he is innocent of any wrongdoings at this time. But I'm treating him like he should be crucified. I know this is not healthy. We had a lengthy conversation yesterday and he admitted that my "drama" is getting to him. He's trying his a** off and I'm unrelenting. I am afraid I will lose him. I am afraid he will lie again, someday, and make a fool of me. I am afraid of being hurt. I know that my behavior, paranoia, insecurity, whatever you want to call it, is not healthy. I can have a good day(s) where life is great and then something simple will trigger that hurt and all hell will break loose inside me and I take it out on him. Has anyone experienced this and if so what can I do to control my thoughts in a healthier way? Are there exercises of any sorts, mental or physical that I can do? I need to figure out how to stop the chaos that is born of the trigger. I hope someone can help. Thanks for reading. Sorry about the length. | |||
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