| I'm having some marriage problems and just not sure what is best path forward. Been together with my wife for 10 years and married 7 (she's 36, I'm 38). We have 3 wonderful kids together. I will say first we are still in love, but we are at a roadblock. About 2 mos. ago I found my wife having a facebook affair. I found it by a series of late night texts (she was sleeping, I was having trouble sleeping and phone is on night stand) she received and I looked at her phone thinking some type of emergency due to late time and repetitve nature. It turned out to be with a guy and she was apparently ending their relationship. I was in shock and to be honest did not read all the texts but he was saying how much he loved her and did not want to see it go, etc... I immediately started looking at phone / computer records and found to the best of my ability that it was only 2-3 weeks and the guy was in another state. In any case, I confronted her and a fter some initial fighting she came clean and it was over for the day. The next day I check records again and there are more facebook messages (I did not read them, as it turned out she had a secret facebook account and i did not have pw). Then I went ballistic and told her it was over or we are done. In here words she was flirting and it got out of control and they quickly formed some bond in couple of days that was lacking in us. In any case, she ended it and has not talked to this guy since then. Since then, she came clean about the second FB account and says she uses as therapy etc... and told me about all the other people on it. It is sort of a philosophy group which is her passion and I respect that and that she can be herself there (we are not religious, but have a lot of religious fam/friends and she believes they will not understand some of the posts/comments she makes). She still did not want to 'friend" me on it as according to her then some of our friends/family will be able to see this side of her through my account. I thought that was reasonable. The real kicker here is that my wife is really confiding in a few guys on this fb account. This is driving me a bit nuts as it is the same exact way the first thing happened. As I have read in other places, my wife is going through what I can best describe as mid-life crisis. She is stay at home mom and I make enough to easily support that but she has lost some identity. I respect that and encourage her to do whatever she wants (work, start a business, etc...). I am simply not typically a very jealous guy in the past at least. But, this is driving me nuts. So - fast forward a couple of months. My wife starts acting weird and then said she is going to cancel FB account. I'm like great! This is what I need - basically her to give me some time to heal. Then I log into her email account to get a hotel invoice for a trip to print out (that incidentally she is going on) and see she is bringing the FB guys over from FB to email. This broke something in me after she told me she was quitting. I went and checked here FB account and it's still active and one of the guys who she considers a mentor basically put the move on her because she was flirti ng with him. I give her credit that she stopped it and did not let it go to bad place and was going to quit, but then she let him reconcile and is actively trying to maintain their "friendship" more than our relationship (ok - this might be jealously, but its how i feel). The guy does seem like he wants to help for most part, but when she "broke up" with him he said meaner things then I ever did (because she told him about the other EA and he was offended that she did it with this guy and not him). Now they are reconciled as 'friends' but I'm worried it's going to turn back into more as again she admitted she had feelings for this guy to him and though she has not directly been sexy with this guy she always tells him how horny she is. My wife is very insecure and will admit she likes guy attention and to flirt. I have told her I can understand that and that my insecurity is not the flirting so much as to why she needs to do it. In any case, since the first EA our sex life is worlds better and we are really trying. I'm just so worried she is going to spiral back into something as she spends so much time and emotional energy with this guy online (she says it's a group of friends, but mostly 1 guy). Today we had a bit of a blow out. She knows I don't fully trust her now and in her mind that means I want to totally control her (despite the fact she is going out of town on girls weekend and I am not worried in the least she will cheat on me). My wife is just vulnerable now and my insecurity does not help and I do not want it to end the marriage as they are picking at each other. Even when I try and get a little compromise like giving up FB/these specific guy friends for a little while for me to heal she goes ballistic. As noted, today it came to a head and she shut down FB and has a ton of resentment towards me over it. I have apparently not recovered from the first deal, but she seems to believe or at least twists it in her mind that I never trusted her and are somehow afraid of her. I feel a bit pathetic but I don't know a way for me to get over trust issue unless she shows me a little bit of commitment that she is willing to do some things to make marriage work instead of only what she wants. She keeps telling me I want a perfect stepford wife, but I truly don't ... she just won't listen. I am thinking of having some counceling to deal with my trust issues and I think we are going to have some marriage councelling, but I can't tell with her day-day. In any case, any advice on how to deal with this issue. Am I blowing out of proportion her online relationship since she did not let the guy have the online sex he wanted but still is actively spending a lot of time with guy she has some feelings for. I get really mixed reviews - half the things I read are - after any breach of trust the other person should help heal it, and the other half are just let her go do what she wants as will do it anyway. I'm just confused as never really had to deal with serious jealousy before. Any help is appreciated. | |||
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