| Hi all I am risking hubz getting angry if he reads this but it is plaguing me and I need to get some perspective. As some of you may know, I am married (a year, been together six now) and we have four children. My oldest two are mine from a previous relationship, and the younger two ours. Ages 9, 6, 4 and 2. We are both in our 30s. Hubz and me got together with him living at home, with his mum, where he'd always lived. He'd had a handful of short-term relationships (three months max.) He has found step-parenting hard. There's no nice way to put it. He knew all about the older two when we got together as my ex is one of his long-time friends. To sum up his relationship/the dynamics going on in the family with him and my children... He provides financially for all, and this has been even when the childrens' dad was not (he does now regularly.) He helps out practically; for example he'll drive the kids about, drop them off at friend's houses and pick them up. He'll do practical things like stuff that needs doing in their bedroom, assembling furniture, that kind of thing. The older two are on the fence about him. They hate him if he's mean, they think he's okay when he jokes about or does something nice. The six-year-old has a closer relationship with him, but the nine-year-old not so much. Hubz has found it hard to know what his "role" is as they see their dad regularly. I said I felt he would be a good male role model, like a father figure who is the man of the house and is equally involved in discipline - and by this I mean dealing with positive things as well as negative. The trouble is what happens is this. Hubz does all the things mentioned in that explanatory paragraph above, but the rest of the time is barely involved with them at all. I literally mean he can come in from work, and the hours between then and their bedtime, he can actually go without saying a word to them. Or will tell them off and ONLY speak negative words to them. I have explained I have no issues at all with him disciplining them, but when all he is actually doing on a given day is speaking negatively to them, I feel it is unbalanced. He then thinks I am saying he shouldn't discipline them, which IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING. I am saying take an interest. Ask them about their day. This came to a head the other day when I was talking to my mum who told me my eldest had said that "[hubz] never gives me hugs, or a kiss. He never does that." It broke my heart. I told hubz. He got defensive and said no he doesn't, it feels weird, and it's "not his responsibility." Lost for words. How can he see giving a hug and a kiss as an unwanted responsibility? He said it would be the same as if I insisted that I hug and kiss his mum and stepdad every time I went round. I said no, it is different because we are talking about children (he said no it isn't) and how we treat them will shape how they grow up, their self-esteem and self-confidence. So last night it was bedtime. He took the little ones and I was putting the older ones to bed. The little ones wanted to say good night to everybody, the older ones said good night, and I nudged hubz. He called "good night" and walked off and shut the door. I want to ask what can I do... but I know I can't "make" him do anything. It's so sad... And I know I am complicit in this. I really hoped he would try but he just doesn't even WANT to try. He keeps saying, "you just don't understand what it's like." No I don't. But it's like that's an excuse to wallow in self-imposed pity that he hasn't got his perfect family and as long as he plays the pity card, he justifies his behaviour. Thoughts? | |||
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