Advice..

So.... 5 years ago my husband had an online relationship with a girl he'd met in a game. When I asked him if he believed cyber sex was cheating, he told me no.. more on that later. I went all internet sleuth and found out about his relationship later. He even told her he loved her and they spent hours and hours on the phone chatting and texting. :( They were about to meet, etc. I kicked him out as soon as he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted me or her, that he needed time to think. So I told him if he had to think then he obviously hadn't chosen me, so get out. He begged and pleaded to have me back the next day and I made him stay out for the next week. During that week I distanced myself, prepared for divorce. I think in that week I fell out of love with him. :( But I kicked him out because I wanted to make sure he realized cheating would never be accepted. I'm his wife.. me. I won't be replaced. I also required we attend counseling. So we went to counseling and I just didn't feel like we got much out of it. The sessions explained his emotional cheating away as him being "bored" with the current state of our relationship, which hadn't been bad. The counselor said he's a man who likes puzzles and challenges and that we need to keep crossword puzzles around the house to keep him from cheating... That we should have children to take our relationship to another level so he'd have another challenge to keep him interested... sounded INSANE to me.. but I wanted children anyway.. So now it's 5 years later and though I did take him back and we did counseling, I just can't forget. I still don't trust him if there's another woman involved at all. He's not allowed to password protect anything and occasionally I've checked to make sure things are good. During my second pregnancy he was spending hours on the phone and hundreds of texts a day with one of his old high school girlfriends which made me bitter and I made him quit. So here I am today. I can't say he's doing anything wrong right now, but I'm just not 100%. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten back together with him but I can't regret that. I love my children (both under 3) immensely. If I hadn't forgiven him I wouldn't have them.. When I really think of it I know I can't regret getting back together with him. When he touches me I can't help jerking away on occasion. I don't like his touch sometimes. I have to power through it to let him touch me. I love sex, don't get me wrong. I'm probably what one would call a sex addict, but I don't want him to touch me. I want sex.. I want gratification and then I don't want him to touch me anymore. This just makes me feel horrible because I feel like I'm still holding a grudge. I feel awful about this, but lately.. I have been talking to an old friend online. I've known him over 8 years. We've cybered in a game we both play for years and years. When I'd asked my husband if he thought of cybering as cheating he'd told me no so I never stopped doing it. This guy and I weren't romantically involved. We were just two people who would cyber in our game, talk about our issues with our significant others and move along. There was never discussion of meeting, sex outside the game, etc. Until.... Recently he asked if I wanted to meet him while I was in the state he lives in for a conference, just to chat. We've known each other for so long I thought, hey.. what could it hurt? He could show me the town and I wouldn't be alone in a strange city. But to be realistic I know there is the POSSIBILITY that something could happen... it likely will. I'm not physically attracted to him but mentally I like the thought that he wants me. I've talked to my husband about needing more from him. I told him I'm feeling like his roommate. It's wham bam with him lately. Sure we have two kids but he's just not at all outspoken about sex/love/etc. Anytime I discuss sex with him he gets all withdrawn and quiet and shy.. So this friend wants to meet me.. I know deep down I can't do it.. I'm not a cheater. I just am not, but what's wrong with needing to feel like I'm wanted? That's probably what all people on the verge of cheating ask themselves isn't it? I'm pretty sure I won't cheat. I feel bad that I even think of it.. but if I'm thinking about it I'm considering it and that's one step away from doing it. I don't want to be that person.. I love my husband, but how do you talk to someone who doesn't want to talk about it? Who tries for a few days then doesn't try anymore. He's a selfish man, who loves the drama his "almost cheating" brought. He likes to feel like someones fighting over him. He loves the attention.. I hate what it did to us. I hate how it made me love him less. Each incident of 'almost cheating' (there have been 3) has left me loving him less and less. At what point is there just not enough to make it work? I can tell he loves me.. But let me put it this way. He expresses love by saying mean things, it's suppose to be a game.. playful. But how often can you be called fat, ugly, smelly, your clothes are moo moos, etc before you start feeling resentful? I feel resentful... I feel revengeful. I somehow feel if I met this friend of mine and cheated it would put my husband and I on even ground. Anytime I resented him and remembered how he cheated on me and made me feel like a fool.. well I'll have gotten back at him.. I'll have evened us out. It wouldn't be one sided anymore. I feel nothing for this other guy. He's nice, but I've already discussed with him that our meeting (if it happened) can mean nothing. I'm married, I'm happy, I have children.. I want nothing from him but the possibility of a fling where I feel wanted and needed.. and that's what I want. I just want my husband to WANT me and show me he does.. but when I bring it up to him it's just a BIG joke. Help... Is it time for counseling again? Do I tell him that his inactivity and ignoring of my pleas to work with me to build our love again are causing me to have doubts?

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