Why Betrayeds hate the AP more

I have noticed a few times in threads where the betrayed states that they hate their wayward's AP, and often they get several responses telling them they are foolish because they "ought to" hate their wayward the most. That made me stop and consider my own feelings towards them both, and I now know why we BS's (often) do hate the AP more than our WS. It's because in a large number of cases, the WS had the affair with no thought at all to the BS. The WS thought they would never be found out, and it would have no effect on the BS. Of course this is very harmful, but doing harm is not often the intent of the cheater. They are only being selfish and thoughtless. The AP (an OW, in my own case), on the other hand, tends to give the BS a lot of thought -- 'how can I be better than her', 'how can I get him to leave her', 'how can I get him to be with me instead of her'. To put it simply, while Frank was off in la-la-land thinking of the rainbows and unicorns, Frank's OW tried to take my life. No, she never came at me with a knife, but: she constantly tried to convince Frank he'd be happier with her, and she even tried to trick him into getting her pregnant (by telling him she was using birth control when she wasn't). Had her plan worked, it would certainly have ended my life (figuratively) by taking half my life savings via divorce, or via child support even if I had let him R under those circumstances. Naturally that is in addition to the unavoidable revelation that everything I believed I was living during the time of his A was not real. Plus, after Frank came to his senses and dumped her, she turned into a bunny boiler, stalking us, writing mean letters, and making crank calls. I know that not all of these things apply to all affair partners, but it seems very common for them (especially OW) to follow this pattern; and that is exactly why they bear a greater share of the blame afterwards than the WS. So don't tell BS to hate their WS more. He may not have been as malicious as his AP.

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