| Hi! I'm in my early 40's, a dad of two awesome kids and husband to a woman who was the love of my life...but now, I'm not so sure. About me: I'm active, make a decent living (as does she), love spending time with my kids, and have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws and "that" side of the family. I married late (35) because I came from a divorced parents and promised myself I'd wait until I found the "right" person so I wouldn't get divorced. I am 7 years older than my wife. My parents were fairly strict by today's standards, but we always had a fun as a family, goofing around and whatnot. I am a pretty good communicator (for a guy anyway) and feel I am pretty balanced and willing to see the "other side" of most situations. I am pretty easy going as a person, until the point where I feel I am being steam-rolled or bullied. About her: In her late 30's, has a great job (makes just shy of what I do), has a great relationship with our kids, and overall is a great mom--although I feel she errs towards the permissive side and would rather be a friend than a mom to our kids much of the time. She is charismatic, but self-admittedly is a horrible communicator--especially when it comes to any matters of the heart. She was also teased/bullied in high school and it's something she's never gotten over to this day. She has major difficulty admitting her own faults--whether it's about leaving the milk out, something she had said, or scratching the car. She tends to be self-centered and "wants what she wants" regardless of what might be best for the family, etc. Jokingly, she's admitted that everyone else in her life (friends, family coworkers) gets to see her at her "best"; I only get her "worst". About us as a couple: We've been married about 8 years. We've always had different mindsets when it came to many things, like finances (I'm want to at least have $10k in the bank in case of emergencies; she'd be perfectly happy spending every last dime if it meant a couple extra family vacations), but we've usually been able to reach some kind of compromise. Since having kids, our different upbringings have really caused a rift between us; she feels I am too strict, and I feel she is too inconsistent and doesn't do a good job of maintaining boundaries with our kids. The result is constant nagging and negativity from her, telling me "I'm doing it wrong" whatever "it" may be. Since becoming parents, our relationship has taken a bigger nose-dive, resulting in other issues surfacing between us. Kissing is non-existent, the only quality time we spend is sitting in front of the tv before I finally go to bed--wherein she stays up to have drinks talking with her girlfriends on the phone every night for several hours. At times she has said she "doesn't have enough energy to be a full-time mom and a wife" which personally I feel is a crappy excuse and a cover-up for something else. I know the husband often has to take the "back seat" once kids come on-board, but this is ridiculous. She doesn't (or can't) seem to appreciate anything I get her for Christmas or her birthday, always finding something wrong with it as a reason to return it--even if it's something she's asked for. Our sex life basically only happens when she gets the "itch"; about every 4-8 weeks, and there's zero passion involved....purely "mechanical" in nature. The obvious answer is "counseling" which we have done twice since being married; the first attempt it fizzled out because we both agreed the counselor was the wrong fit for us; the second attempt (about 6 years later) lasted about 6-8 sessions and ultimately fizzled out because she didn't like the things which the therapist was focusing on--namely 1.) she has control issues, 2.) that she compartmentalized everything and has yet to deal with any of her emotional problems dating back to childhood, and 3.) she was constantly over-validated by her father when she was young, leading to her using sex (since high school) as a replacement for that validation. She has no interest in trying to find another counselor. All of this has resulted in us losing respect for one another; one of the "core" issues behind most if not all of our problems. Right now, I've never felt more miserable or alone in my entire life. I still love her, and feel attraction to her, but not sure she feels the same...and asking her point blank is pointless because she hates discussing her feelings. We've gone on a few weekend trips "sans kids" in an attempt to re-connect; some have shown signs of hope, yet others ended in arguments. I'm scared of losing my kids and the ability to spend as much time with them as I do now, but fully recognize that their seeing us like this, even when we're not arguing, isn't healthy for them. She seems perfectly content with things staying this way indefinitely--making me think she's already "compartmentalized" me. This situation has been the primary thing on my mind for years now to the point where it's changed me (for the worst) as a person, my outlook on life, my attitude, etc. I really don't like who I've become as the result of this. Is it hopeless? Is a trial separation my only option as a "next step"? Other than this "small" problem, I feel like I have the most wonderful, fulfilling life in the world. Sorry for the long post..... RunningDad | |||
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