| Ok Ive been in conflict up and down with DW for a year now. 23 years together...me both 46, 12 year old daughter, both professionals, and financially independent of each other. I spent years after finally learning about my wifes fetish issue trying to accept it and get her to be more open about it and share it. Unfortunately despite having a set in stone fetish she is also Low Drive...Im not sure if the shame about the fetish causes the LD or that is just a second truth. Bottom line...she has tried to share it...and I cant stand it. It creeps me out that she has it..I could get over this..but it also is so damn BORING...its just one specific thing that is totally NOT sexual to me. However, without that she basically has no lust whatsoever. She goes thought the motions and tries to be nice some of the time. Frequency had been better this year, but Ive always felt something is missing in this relationship due to marginal sex. We have been through the whole discussion and MC a million times and tried to understand each others perspective etc. For her sex is related to this thing, its not love. For me I equate sex with love. I find it very difficult to know that according to her ( and Ive really felt this was some sort of excuse for covering up a simple basic lack of attraction) that she cant really get aroused and certainly not go all the way to O's without this other concept. In addition, she is rarely in the mood to think about this fetish and she generally thinks (despite therapy etc) that its a bad thing etc. In addition, I have been very po'd at her and very angry that she did not tell me about this for 13 years despite my trying from early on to solve our sexual problems (at that time no enthusiasm on her part and certainly no O's back then). She does not feel bad about not telling me though. Anyway, bottom line is Im 100% bonded to my wife and I feel that I love her (although she is not sure she loves me anymore after 1 year of fighting), but there is a basic desire that I have to want a relationship with decent sex or better than decent! I want it to be good. This basically can't happen because I have to first of all get her to open up about her thing..which is rare and difficult for her and I understand that now I think..but the deep reality for me is that I dont like it! She has also done other things around sex which made me very uncomfortable such as obsessing about movie stars and celebrity guys to what I have thought was an extreme degree...she does not agree cause it did not impact her work etc. But she kept doing that in the past even though I made it clear it was hurting me. She has told me several times that is WHO she is...she likes to fantasize about celebrity men and she needs to think about her fetish in order to climax. Now she already feels that I dont like her fetish..and Ive said I dont like it cause Im jealous of "it" etc. Because I resent her for having a family with me without telling me about her deeper nature etc..but I have not told the underlying truth that I just find it weird and unsexy and the whole scenario is not conducive to good sex in addition to even get there I have to encourage her to do something I dont even like! On the other hand I really do love her and I also really do like sex. I dont want to give that up at my age...I even take T shots etc (not to increase drive which was fine, but it helped with mood and weight gain etc). So this is just a real dilemma for me because I love her very much for real..but I dont like her sexually when she is honest and she knows it, but I also LIKE SEX and want sex with her. I guess if she wanted sex and just had to add the fetish in there Id be ok with it..but true sex to her involves this fetish thing. She even gets aroused by it if a person accidentally talks about something related (they have no clue of course) it could be a woman even (although Im sure she is not attracted to women)...its the concept not the person. So I went so many years feeling I was a failure for not arousing her or that she was not truly in love with me etc. I dont have a social network my family is in distant places and although Im very successful at my work I dont LOVE it in such a way that I would be able to just immerse myself in my work to escape the being alone. I dont know what one does when they still love someone very very much and are very attracted to them, but at the same time there seems to be a serious incompatibility that makes both people also very unhappy.... Is 1 year of working on it long enough? I'm not getting any younger. On the other hand, Im NOT looking forward to dating etc...Ive always been shy that way and I was not exactly successful before I met my wife years ago although I did have 3 brief prior partners. My wife had none. Worst of all we have been working on this for a year and my daughter has been a victim hearing our fighting etc. Im so obsessed with trying to work things out with my wife that my daughter gets lost in "the shuffle". Maybe if I moved out I would end up spending a lot more time with her...it seems that would be inevitable. Im not unattractive, but Im not someone that women throw themselves at either...as far as I know. I have been working all year in IC on my own self image...Ive always hated being shorter (5 7) and all kinds of other things I hate about my own body although Im getting better at that...Im in good shape 145 pounds, more working out more muscle taking T etc. All that is good...but I have no confidence with women at all. I have a high status profession and my own business and plenty of $$ and I have all that to offer someone else. I just want to feel that my partner is actually attracted to me. I realize that this is a "luxury" that many people either cant afford or will never have for all kinds of reasons...and Ive also gone over the the way of thinking that its ok..its not my fault..my wife has a sort of disability..etc. Still its very difficult....I still feel totally rejected by my wife since she can not feel any sort of lust for me....according to her because Im not her fetish and that is orgasmic sex to her. So she feels that no matter what she has done it has not made things better...increasing sex frequency I thought that would do it to..but since its still not enough for me (Id like every day basically) and with no pushing I might have been getting 1x per week which was torture for me for 22 years...until this year maybe her hormones changed a little and she was willing to increase to 2-3 per week..sometimes more if I push for it. Never hardly ever on work days though... Also my wife does not have to work, but she feels Im unstable (kiss of death in the MMSL book) and she cant depend upon me to take care of her since we have been fighting a year, threatening to divorce each other etc...she truly does like her job anyway and does not want to quit...my point being though that its not like she HAS to go to work so much that she is too exausted for me or that she HAS to do housework! We have help for that. Now I honestly recognize all the external things she does for me also...groceries, buying Costco type home supplies organizing things etc etc. I realize that I would have to do a lot more for myself also. In addition, although Im financially successful, Im also easily bored with life (not with her) and since Ive built my business up Ive become tired of it like Im going through the motions to make a living..yea I know that is what most people do...but she seems to think Im a loser because she perceives me as hating life...which I do not...Im just bummed a lot because of my marriage and admittedly I do change hobbies a lot and I am at the moment bored of my otherwise successful job. Anyway.. How do you decide to separate from someone when you still love them but you find when you actually get to know them that you have some major incompatibility? How do you get the courage to restart your life basically from scratch with no support network? | |||
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