| First post. Sorry that it sounds so narcissistic, it's difficult to write this kind of history without using "I" and "me" a lot. :( My story appears to be the same as a lot of men (and a couple of women) on here. LD wife, HD husband (me). She was all about sex anywhere and everywhere when we were dating and first married (~3 years, give or take), to the point that I was convinced that she was had a HD like me. First child arrives and everything stops (I mean after the normal 5-6 week wait after childbirth). Of course my immediate guess was that something hormonal had changed due to either childbirth or her BC pills. Our frequency goes down from pretty near daily to once a week, which was (at the time) rather insufferable, but of course I had no idea that someday I would look back at 1xweek as something like living in the Promised Land. 1xweek turns into 1x every other week after a year. She suddenly gets a big spurt of sexual energy, starts initiating again and I think "well, good, at least that part of our life can be put into the past". She gets immediately pregnant with our second child. And then everything just…slows to a crawl and now here I am a decade and a half later where, if there is any sex, we must first engage in the "foreplay" of a massive explosive argument because it's been a month or two since the last time. What little sex there is, is clearly pity sex and she clearly has no real interest in being there. She does nothing, and considers her presence to be everything I could possibly ask for and gets very resentful if I suggest anything other than "hurry up and get it over with". As you may well imagine, this isn't quite an aphrodisiac for me. We did see a sex therapist for about a half year. She would comply, down to the letter of the instruction, with anything the therapist suggested, but nothing more, and it was very clinical and clear that she was only going through the motions. She admitted during therapy that she's never really been interested in sex for most of her life, except for a small period of a couple of months, long before meeting me. Meaning of course that she faked the "look, I'm a HD lady" thing during our courtship. She doesn't see this as morally wrong, so I have to get over it is the message. She seems to see sex as essentially good for bearing children (from a woman's point of view) and doesn't get nor care to understand that for men it is a source of bonding and closeness. We stopped going to the therapist, and she immediately went back to her old habits. Look, I'm no saint, ok? Over the years I've gotten a bit depressed, and I drink a bit more than I should at my age (not daily or anything, and not to where I wake up in the middle of the yard without pants on), and after a month or so I do get resentful of the situation and her clear and apparent lack of care for our relationship's sexual side. I just want a relationship with an adult woman, the woman I married, or whom I thought that I married in any event. After this many years we still go out, but I'll be quite honest, my enthusiasm for doing so has waned appreciably. We go out, and have no sex when we return. Our vacations always magically find the arrival of her period, without exception. If we stay at home, she's asleep immediately. To her the height of intimacy and closeness is falling asleep with her head on my arm or chest while watching television. I wouldn't mind this if it weren't the only thing she considers "intimate". She says I make her "feel comfortable", but clearly I don't and haven't for a long, long time made her feel sexually excited or turned on. If at any point, even for a few moments, in the course of the passing months I am not expressing extreme happiness and that life is wonderful, that means that I'm not being "close" and of course it's held against me if I want intimacy. The element of control here took me a bit of time to notice, and it bothers me to no end, as I do not like being controlled or manipulated. We have discussed this until we've exhausted the topic every which way to Sunday, she cannot at any point now plead ignorance, but she just doesn't care. She can make time in her "busy schedule" for anything in the world but us, including day trips with girl friends on a lark. She goes to the gym every morning before work, uses that as an excuse for falling asleep very early at night, and the days she doesn't go to the gym she still falls asleep early. There is always an excuse, there is always some "stress" that just "stops me from being in the mood". 15 and a half years of excuses. I get that occasionally stress does arise and cause lack of libido for a given situation or short period of time, but after 15.5 years it has turned into nothing but an idiotic game of "what new excuse can we invent this month". We had another major fight recently and I just can't get my head wrapped around this any longer. It's the same fight with the same words and nothing ever, ever changes, because she clearly doesn't want to change. The most that might happen is clinical, cold duty sex…once….until the next fight breaks out a month or two later. And she's fine with this. I'm not a wallflower and I don't appreciate what I consider being bullied. I do help with the housework, but because there are things that need done and we both work and surely it's a shared responsibility. I keep myself in shape, I treat her nicely outside of this topic, and we raise our children together. Outside of this issue, she's a good person (well, I don't appreciate the lying about who she was to hook me into marriage). We do share a lot of common values, we do not have health problems, we have no economic worries and our children are hale and healthy. Quite worried now, after the last fight, that we may fast be approaching divorce. I don't want to lose constant presence in the lives of my children. Fortunately they are both older now. But still, the divorce courts are renowned for making the ex-husband into a bi-weekly Weekend Visitor and basically minimizing the influence of the father in the children's lives. I'm also worried for them because she really has a hard time dealing with them, and she can't quite see that her method of interaction with them is counter-productive (I'll save that for another piece, just accept it at face value right now if that's ok?). If approached objectively and not in the Father Hating Court view, I strongly believe that I would be the more suitable parent, but I'm well aware of what reality is and what the outcome will be. I really am sad that it's come to this. She just doesn't want to change, has no desire to change, and we're about to lose our two decade marriage because she refuses to bring herself to even pretend to want to touch me sexually. God, there are what, 10,080 minutes in a week? And she considers "sacrificing" 30 to 60 minutes of them for us as too much to want to deal with and as something far too much to ask of her. If I'm reading this right we are literally going to see our lives, security and everything else we've worked for go up in a feeding frenzy for lawyers, because she just doesn't want to make an earnest and consistent try. How nice would it be, to be with a woman who actually enjoyed being with me sexually, who actually had passion and sexual desire, who wasn't a Victorian era prude (yeah, forgot to mention that, there is "show up, do missionary" and nothing else allowed, period, and if I must have fantasies they are best kept silently in my head, according to her). How great to wake up next to a beautiful woman who was already awake and teasing me in bed before I even had time to realize it was morning. Or be with a woman who liked to kiss (I really miss "making out" type kissing). Or liked to be "all over her man" no matter where she was even if it were a bit inappropriate sometimes. To not have to go for weeks or months and feel this awful all the time. To not have to use fights as foreplay. God. Not sure what good this post will do, if anything, but I really had to get it off my chest. Nothing new nor unique here I'm sure, but hey, I had to post it even if it was all mostly redundant. Thanks for reading. | |||
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