| Hi..... I am new to this so please bear with me. I have spent the last few nights looking threw this forum trying to find a similar question to mine so I can just read the replies. But I can't and I feel my world is falling down around me. It's a long story but will try to keep it short. At the beginning me and my partner had our first child but due to early labour(24 weeks) things went bad and we lost our little boy. But the first mistake we made was to try again and same thing only this time it was 16 weeks. We never really talked about how it was effecting us and I did the 'man' thing and just be there for her as much as I could with out actually saying anything. We were both young in early 20's at time but still never talked about the 2 kids we had lost so we left it for 3 years and tried again but same thing. This time 27 weeks but still birth and I tried again to be 'strong' for her like I was getting told off all her family. Only mention this as she has real issues even now with blaming herself for them being early, I have told her its not her fault and she should never blame herself for things she can't control. But it seems to fall on deaf ears all the time. We waited 2 years and took a big chance and tried 1 last time. Lucky we had a boy, still early (28 weeks) but he came home with us which is when things went bad. After everything that had gone on I panicked and instead of talking to her I left. Still in love with her but just scared as she seemed to not need me and never had time. Selfish I no but I didn't see that at the time and never realised she too was feeling the same way as me. After leaving I did what no one should ever do and went to her sisters. Looking bak now I have no idea what made me go there. Things soon escalated between me and her sister and my partner found out. So I had not only left the woman I was in love with I had also managed to hurt her more than I could ever thought possible. After time and a lot of sorries on my part we decided r should that be she decided to give me a chance. But over next 4-5 years all I did was sneak behind her bak with her sister, not sexual more emotional. I am surprised she even talks to me let alone take me bak looking at how I was. After a few more years we decided to try again for baby and luckily it turned out good again. But she started to feel a wave of emotion come over her all the time. She never let me or other family members near the baby and told me often she had a real feeling of dread as if something bad was goin to happen to the baby and would not let him out of her sight for more than 10 mins. At the time I thought nothing of it as she was and is a good mum but now wonder if it was the start of her downward spiral as looking back it seems like post natal depression but might be wrong. That was a few yrs ago so now just before Xmas I find out she is texting and talking to some other bloke from her work in secret as he to is married. She works a rolling rota of 4 on 4 off 12 hrs a night shift. When I confronted her about it she basically told me she wasn't bothered I had found out due to her thinking I didn't really want her. She was drunk at the time and said some nasty things to me but I put it down to the drink more than her. She promised to stop all contact wiv him as much as possible due to working with him. Not ideal but noting I can do about it so I have to try and trust her. While this is happening I can see she is slipping further and further down the depression road. I no the signs as I have had it before. But she thinks I am trying to control her I just didn't want her to make the same mistakes I did as she is not a strong emotional person and things weigh heavy on her mind. She over thinks things and always looks on the bad/down side of life. So in Feb I find out she had slept wiv this bloke from work in Jan and when I asked her about it she said it was a mistake and she didn't want him, but she now thinks I don't deserve her and is tired all the time. She shows most of the signs of depression from not sleeping to weight lose. I got her to go GP and they said she was depressed but she refuses that she is, saying she is not depressed just "unhappy". But I know the real lady and the person she is now is not the person she was a few months ago. The last few days she has been telling me 'to leave' and 'doesn't love me' but wen I say I will go she says 'no'. I have looked on the net and it would seem like it is more lust with this bloke due to only talking to him for a few months. I suppose my question is this really, with everything that has happened between us, is she suffering from depression and in denial. I have told her I am never leaving her again as its the biggest mistake I have ever made. But she feels I deserve better but I only want her. I feel lost as I try to support her and not upset/annoy her so she can start to get back to something like her normal self. I should mention she has recently had her meds up to 100mg of sertraline by her GP. I love her and wish I could take all her pain and suffering away but she feels like its her pain and she has to do all this on her own and won't let me help her when she needs it the most. I no I caused most if not all the issues in our relationship and I am sorry every day for the things I have put her through as she means everything to me. Hope this makes sense as I feel like I am rambling about my own mess up in life but my wife is all I care about. | |||
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