Distance & Doubt

Been reading here for sometime, but finally joined up! I'm in a distance relationship of sorts, and the distance has been weighing on our minds. I typed up this little journey entry thing to get my thoughts a little organized, but it hasn't done me well sitting in a word document on my desktop. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, may I just feel the need to share this. That said, I would appreciate your thoughts/opinions, whatever pops up in your mind... whatever it may be. And of course, thanks for reading .... 3/10/13 So I'm half-in love. Maybe I'm completely in love, but with only four months into this thing of mine, I'm a little hesitant to commit to such… a commitment. You see, I've only known this girl for about four months. We met online, a fact somewhat hard to swallow. We've only seen each other about 12 times; something I think, I hope, is a result of the distance between us. We live some 70 to 80 miles apart. Something so unrealistic that I would have never bothered to speak with her, if it weren't for the fact that she lives relatively close to my work. With me working some 70 miles from home, and all things being relative, she's close. While I can only speak for myself, despite the mileage that separates us, I feel as though we've formed a connection that I've never felt before. For these four months, we've communicated constantly. Text messages daily and rather lengthy calls almost every other day. There is no loss in communication, but what makes it all the greater is that I've never been at a loss for words when speaking with her. I'm a quite person; reserved in every way possible. The people I hold in highest regard, those that I care deepest about only receive a fraction of what I have to share. With her, I want to share my life. Even if it's the boring, most ritualistic aspects of life, I want to let her know. More importantly, I want to listen to her. I want to know how her day was, her thoughts, her complaints and her highlights. I find myself caring deeply, more than usual, what she feels and how she feels. Whether after a long fought or short, easy day, I look forward to that text message. "Hey dork, how's your day going?" They're seemingly on the verge of thoughtless messages, but I find value in them. She's thinking of me, and I unquestionably, thinking of her. I too have a weakness for those final messages before anticipated breaks in our conversation or the final messages close to midnight. "… Be safe getting home," "Night night, be safe tomorrow." Nothing, and I mean nothing, has been greater than the times I've spent with her… our dates; despite her disdain for the word. They've might as well have been few and far between, but near every second memorized and cherished. The things we've seen, experienced, and laughed about is nothing to 'sneeze at,' but I remember the smaller moments more than anything else. Those times when she would wrap her arm around mine, as we walked through the city or along the waterfront. When she, or I grasped one another's hand. Those long held hugs before we said our goodbyes; a realization that we would not see each other for some time. Grasping onto the moment. Attempts to delay our inevitable departure, even by mere seconds, counted all the more. Those moments together at the aquarium, sitting in the dimly lighted room that exposed an enormous tank filled of shark and fish. Her head rested on my shoulder as we sat memorized by the aquatic life that swam before us. That same night we sat together in my parked car on the local college campus. For nearly two hours we sat talking, switching between serious conversation and joking banter. There were moments that would have been otherwise uncomfortable were it not for the contact between our hands or the timely gazes into each other's eyes, followed by heartfelt smiles. I don't know which direction our relationship will head. No doubt, I've fallen for this girl and I find myself growing closer to her at every contact. The distance that lay between us is a painful thought, one that creates doubt, and one that I quickly push to the back of my mind each time it arises. The notion that this will not last is debilitating; not with the way I feel this time, with this one. These words cannot carry the weight of my attraction, one much farther beyond any fling. It feels as though it can't end. As with all relationships, there are many sides and perspectives. My deepest hopes and dreams may not be her own. My willingness of dedication might not match hers. I'm left only to enjoy each deep breath of air. I can only hope and pray that gravity is kind.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629984