| Dear TAM members, After some posts that I made in the past concerning issues with my SO, and listening to everyone's replies, I'm starting to wonder about my relationship. Quick refresher, I am in my late 20s and he is in his mid-late 40s. He is divorced with a 9-year old son, and I was never married and childless. His family, his friends, and his son are very kind and friendly to me. Also, no issues with the ex-wife, possibly because she is getting remarried later this year. My family isn't so sold on him, though, and encourage me to look elsewhere for someone more suited to be my future husband. They think he's a nice person, but not a good fit for me. My mother dislikes him altogether. We've been together 1 year and 8 months. In the wake of my SO and I trying to figure out whether or not to get engaged and officially move in together, some issues came to light, which has caused some fights recently. There are some other things that he's said or mentioned before, but I'll just mention some of the more major things. 10 months into our relationship, I got failed from one of my internships in my last year of graduate school, and was in limbo for 3 months while my school decided whether to let me continue in my graduate program, or drop me. I was extremely stressed and worried at that time, and I admit I was leaning on my boyfriend a little more than I usually did. He wasn't all that supportive, instead, told me that I was becoming dependent on him and he needed space. Then, one year into the relationship, there was the whole vacation issue last year, when he wanted to go party in some tropical island with his single/unhappily friends. When I pointed out that I wasn't comfortable with it, he accused me of treating him like a child and called me controlling, "just like his ex-wife", that he was going to go no matter what. He also said he NEEDED to get away from me, and his son. He also seems like he wants to act "cool" around his friends (one friend in particular), doing things like pointing out "hot lesbians", saying how he wanted to live in Thailand for all the "hot, willing girls and awesome nightclubs", and he kept pestering his friend to take a vacation together (saying he needed to get out of the country), even when his friend kept telling him he couldn't afford it. After that, we were okay for a few months, and I thought for the first time, we may actually make it, that he was actually open to making a change for the better of the relationship, as was I. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him back in October, since my new job is very close to where he lives. I agreed, if only to save myself a terrible commute every morning/evening. Since I was staying in his house rent-free for awhile, I helped him out by making him dinner, buying groceries and supplies, and helped him with cleaning the house. Recently, he forgot to send me a text that he said he would, and I was having a bad day (new job stresses). Admittedly, maybe I took it more seriously than I should have, but I just asked him what happened to his text. He got angry and said I was too needy and rigid and needed to realize that he gets too busy to text me sometimes. I got really angry that he called me that, and said so to him, telling him I wouldn't put up with that. He just got up and walked away, saying he didn't want to hear it anymore. He thinks he was just being honest and didn't do anything wrong (he said "it's not like I called you a b**ch or anything"). I told him I would appreciate it if he was honest and focused on HIS feelings instead of always turning it around on me. He also called me needy because I wanted to know where we were headed after a year of dating. He can't understand why I can't just "let it be", and that he does things on his own time. He blames his past relationship failures almost exclusively on his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriends, and I like to see that people learn from their mistakes (including me). He is not a very affectionate person, and I am, which has caused issues. He doesn't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have, and admitted that he was the kind of person who just lets things be until something goes wrong (ie he doesn't regularly maintain things, including his car and this relationship). He hardly ever initiates sex (though is responsive) and rarely likes to talk when he gets home from work. He's also scoffed at his boss for being "whipped" once because he brings his wife to company events, when nobody else brings their SO / spouses. I honestly don't think I'm needy. I have a full-time job, I leave him alone when he wants to spend alone time with his son and his family/friend, I'm used to being independent so I do my own thing when he's unavailable. I never make a big stink if he has to watch his son on a day we are spending together. If he wants to go after work to play some sports and unwind once a week, I don't mind at all. I admit I do have a little bit of trust issues with him, because he acts like he's doing me a favor by being honest with me. He's said things like "I could just lie to you like I had to with some of my ex-girlfriends" and "I could have just lied about where I'm going for vacation". That, and he was always a little too close with one of his female coworkers, though he has cut off contact with her outside of work. He says that we're not married, so he doesn't see why he should have to give up doing what he wants, when he wants. All I want him to do is pay a little attention to me, show me a little love every now and then, and would like him to shoot me a text or two during the day about how his day is going. I don't see how that's so wrong / needy! I admit I'm far from perfect, and I have my flaws, just like everybody in the world, but I'm always looking to learn from my mistakes and better myself. I told him I may not be perfect, but at least I always try, and I'm not afraid to admit when I can improve on something or when I'm wrong. Now, I know I made him out to be a horrible person with this post, but he is very mild-mannered, funny, he tries to do things to make me happy, he's a good father, he's responsible, and he's a lot of fun. However, it seems like when he's upset, another side of him comes out. He's also very transparent with me. To be fair to him, we do spend 90% of our free time together (although now he is complaining about it and called me needy over it). He has his son twice a week on weekday evenings, and every other weekend (sometimes I go with them, sometimes I have my own plans). rarely sees his friends because most of them have their own full-time jobs and families to take care of, and do not live close by. Why do I still hold on? Maybe it's because I don't like to give up easily and I try to exhaust all options before giving up. But lately, my family has been talking about moving across the country to California (my grandma doesn't like the cold weather in NY), and they asked me to go with them. I can get a job wherever I go, so that's not an issue. I also have other friends/family there, and since I suffer from allergies, my doctor thought it was a good idea for me to live in a sunny climate. If I move, I think that would be the end for my boyfriend and I, since he has his son here, he is unwilling to move away from him until he goes to college. Now I'm wondering if I would just do better to cut my losses and move on, or if I should try one more time to make this work. A part of me is also scared to move on, to start all over with somebody new, and go through all this again. I admit this is my first in-person relationship, so I don't always know how to behave or what a "normal" relationship should be like. Anyway, long story over. Thanks again for reading this and giving your advice! | |||
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