when does neglect become abuse?

It has taken me a long time to distinguish the core problems in my marriage from the more peripheral ones, but I've realized that neglect is probably the biggest one. My husband does not show me he loves me. He doesn't take care of me when I'm sick. If there's something I need, no matter how trivial or serious, he'll ignore my request. Beyond that, he has neglected the kids. I've posted about the way he left the little one in a swimming pool with no life jacket, but there are many other instances. Just yesterday he fed the bigger one moldy yogurt. He didn't think it was a big deal. I don't think he's a capable parent. I don't say that lightly, I just don't think the kids are safe with him. He won't forget to feed them or fail to clothe them, so it's not call-child-protective-services neglect (nor would I ever let that happen), but I don't trust him to keep the kids safe. Also, has never been adequately pro-active about helping me protect the kids and myself from potential harm from strangers. When I rode the train home after dark with the 2 girls, walking about a quarter of a mile by ourselves along a dimly lit, deserted stretch of road, he wouldn't buy me mace (we're not in the US, I don't speak the language here. He does). He laughed when I said I wanted some. One time, here in this country, a strange man was taking photos of our younger daughter. I asked H to ask him to stop. He wouldn't. He wouldn't!!! I had to do it. I don't even speak the language and I had to confront this guy and tell him to stop photographing my daughter. There's much more, of course, but I'd imagine you get the gist. The issue I'm struggling with is how I'll ever be able to get back to loving him (which I don't, right now) when I see him as someone I have to keep my children safe from, and someone who won't protect his family from harm. And I'm really starting to question if he even deserves the second (or third, or fourth) chance that I'm giving him. I so wish I wasn't here. It's so tempting to just try to forget everything that has ever happened and just go through the motions. I'm really at a crisis here though, where I'm wondering if I have it in me to move forward with him. I'm only even considering it for the kids. I'm going to lay this all out on the table at our next session of marriage counseling. If you have any ideas, or can help me think this through, I'd really appreciate it.

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