| ) I am trying to find out how to handle and deal with this. My spouse has been very moody/deepressed lately, looking at it more she has been going into a shell slowly for about a 10months now. We have a child who is 4yrs old. I have been very involved in the care and upbringing of our child, so I am not sure this can be an excuse. I also do lots of work around the house. We have gone through a lot in our lives and one major loss would be the loss of our home a few yrs ago. We are way much in a better place than we are then, so am not sure why all this things are coming up now. She then blames me now for the loss of our home as she feels i could have tried to look for a second job. Her excuses for her mood change: Its either she is feeling tied down by being a wife and mother, she has various problems she is trying to deal with from childhood and all of a sudden just got worse now. Its either she is angry at the world or feels everyone wants something from her including me wanting intimacy. Also feels like she has not achieved anything in live while her friends have all done well. She says all she has to show is that she has a good husband and child but this is not enough for her. She is also turning 30 this yr and she see this has a major milestone in her life. There is also the constant traveling she wants to do now, just to run away from everyone and everything but when she come back home its back to the same depression. A lot of things trigger this such as we still from time to time get notice about the house we lost from time to time, maybe someone passes away then this triggers memories of her childhood abandonment issues by one of her parents. Th ere is also the anger and resentment that I was not able to save our house as she felt I could have done more. I honestly did, we even got a lawyer but things were just crazy and we didn't have good jobs then. The problem is that this moodiness is begging to affect me cause I don't know when to approach her or when to just stay away, I mean its making me depressed even :) There practically is no intimacy. Our son is also now being used as a security blanket for her, she can't sleep without him, we can't even go out over night without him, we can't have a night out at a hotel without him, we can't sleep in our bed without him and the talk of having him to to his bed gives her anxiety attacks. Then came the texting in the middle of the night. I would be asleep then wake up around 3 or 4am to find her texting friends. She has lots of friends overseas but damm i was feeling so disrespected. THoguh her reason for doing it was that she has nothing to hide so should rather do it th ere and then than her walking out of the room and texting. Then there was the social media; started posting comments on there, just crazy and attention seeking comments daily which so pple could be aking her what is wrong etc. She told me she was just seeking attention from it. I give my wife all the attention, I take care of my family, I am home everything night after work. She has even gone as far as asking that I look for work that would make me travel, that that worked for her before while we were dating and she wants to travel. 3months ago) I finally started getting her to talk. Honestly it was hard for me as the things i heard were really just hard to take in but I was very patient and understanding. Her comments are listed below. 1) She was feeling tied down by being a mother and wife; she wishes she could move away from this planet with our son and just go somewhere else where no one can bother her. 2) Her whole life feels like a chore and if she has a problem in her marriage its because its all in her head. 3) She just doesn't want to have sex as it is the last thing on her mind and nothing to do with me. 4) She feels let down by everyone as she was falling and no one could catch her. 5) She doesn't feel she is where she wants to be in live; she should have tons of money and businesses right now and should need to budget or try to save for money cause some of her friends don't. 6) The only thing she has to show in her life is a good man and a child which most pple would be happy with but not her. 7) Her worst fear as always been what would happen when she gets tired of marriage and now she is. 8) She is feeling tied down to me here as she feels like she is missing out on numerous opportunities to travel out and start a business and make money, so she will always feel like she made the wrong choice. 9) She doesn't want sex right now and I should go find someone to have sex with, but I shouldn't let her find out. 10) That she feels she rushed things with me (marriage and child) it was just her way to spite her mom. Now that her mom like me and wants us to stay together, she told me that If not for the kind of person I was she would divorce me just to spite her mom. 11) That i could have gotten a second job to try and save the house and that is what she feels a friend of mine would have done. Now I am being compared to another man, actually compared me to 2 guys i know. Guys were both in college at the time we lost the house, and I even went as far as moving out of town to find a job Did I mention that I pay 99.9% of all our bills with my money. My wife has spent almost 15,000 this year on shopping and traveling, just because she wants to get away from her problems and troubles (what kind of problem, am not sure). We both split the cleaning of the house; actually we had a cleaning lady for 10months coming to clean the house in addition to a lawn person to do the lawn also. I get our daughter ready most morning for day care while she is getting ready though she drops her off and I pick her up on my way from work. Once we get home, I go and give our daughter a bath and get her ready while she is cooking dinner. When bed time comes, I go and get our daughter ready for bed and put her in bed. I do all this things, just to make sure she isn't too worked out. A few motnhs ago we had a big argument, which for the first time in 4yrs I ever really go mad and raised my voice. Here is what started the argument: She decided or as usually changed her mind again that she wanted to move back almost 5000miles away, problem here this was not a topic we discussed on. My main issue has been the lack of discussion on things in the house. My wife get up and just decides it ok for her to travel for 3wks on vacation etc. Our grand parents decided to take our daughter for a while to help us with finances with the hope that we start saving money. Problem is they live 5000miles away. Actually my wife suggested this and had already made her mind up on this but wanted my approval. She said she needed the help and couldn't do it alone anymore and she wanted to go back to school and she just needs that time to sort herself out. So i being the nice guy as usal agreed. Though after week after week it started to seem more like a decision she made as an excu se for her to move back home. As she feels there she could start a business and gain more than she has here. To her status is everything and she has to be up there living it with the best of them. She had told me she had a standard to love up to and she can not fall beyond that especially since back in high school she was a high societal and standard girl. We had a fight i got mad like she had never seen before, I did not hit or threaten, problem was our child was there, but I just could not keep shut anymore as her defence when a argument is coming on is hey she is here so keep you voice down or go cool down. She threatend to call the cops if i touched her (I held her arm gently not to walk away and just to tell me what is wrong; like pleading) then she said i broke my promise of not ever arguing in front of our child as we both grew up in a domestic violence home. THis was our ever big fight. Then she said she didn't feel safe as this was not the me she knew, so she walked out of the house and left our daughter. While walking out she says be glad am not taking her with me. At this moment I had to involve my in laws as I just didn't know what to do anymore, I was in tears and just shattered. Then it became a big issue that I involved them to her. She said she totally feels disgusted and hopes it not hatred building up in her f or me. A few weeks wen by and I tried touching her, she said hey we are not at the place right now and have not been for a while. I asked why and she said she doesn't know. Now after 5months its now my fault that we are not there. I have been initiating sex and have been rejected for months now (before the big fight) before the fight we had sex maybe twice in 3months. Usually used to be 3times a week or more. In those 2 times she said she wasn't ready but would try and i asked what the problem is but she said its got nothng to do with me. She did start seeing a therapist but it became a thing she only went to when she gets mad or someone mad her angry. From the brief i got on the therapy, she said her therapist told her that she always finds pple who she thinks she can fix and once it is done she doesn't find any fufillment in them anymore. That was the only thing i got. Now if she felt we had problems, i tought the right thing would be for the therapist to ask for me to join in, bu t my wife never mentioned such to me. I don't know what the outcome of therapy was for her? After I tried to initiate sex a few weeks ago, and she tells me we are not there, that she is only going to complicate her feelings for me and that she is fine the way we just interact without sex or no touching or kissing or huggin. Then she says she doesn't want to talk about anything untill we get back from out trip (where our daughter will be staying) which is like 3months away. If you know you have a problem, why not work it out now? Why wait 3 months to talk? She for one believes the problem is only related to sex which is why i get mad, but wow all the above things i have been told time and time just really shattered me. | |||
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