Let me start by saying my wife and I get along very well, usually, and really enjoy doing things together. We will spend at least two or three days a week together going on bike rides, skiing, kayaking, dinner dates, and various other things. I think our time spent together is generally very quality time.
My problem is she can never show me any affection. If I try to kiss her all I get is a little peck. If I try to hold her hand she pulls it away within five seconds or so. Recently, I've been asking her to join me on the sectional couch, where there is plenty of room for her to sit, and she almost always responds with "That's ok. I'm good here". She did actually join me a week ago and sat three feet away from me. That felt worse than if she hadn't even made the move. This lack of any kind of physical contact has been bothering me more and more over the last several years and I'm about at the end of my rope. I have mentioned it to her and she makes a feeble attempt for a few days and then it's back to the old routine.
I will say we have always had sex on a regular basis, and while I think we both enjoy it, it sometimes seems too routine. I can't get her to try anything new and it feels like she is only doing it to keep me from nagging her about it. She has also become a very selfish lover, in my opinion. While I would go downtown with her every time if she would agree, she hasn't done the same in over two years. I feel as if she has become a taker and gives back nothing. Her attitude is, "let's get this going, I've got more important things to do". When it's over she goes to the bathroom and then back to the family room or to bed, where she rolls on her side facing away from me. Never once do I hear an "I love You", unless I say it first.
The latest twist and to me the most disturbing, is for the last couple of months she has her eyes closed the ENTIRE time we are having sex. I can't say making love because I don't feel as if she is making love to me. I feel as if she is making love to someone else. I watch her face with her eyes closed and I can only wonder what is going on behind them. We have always had a lot of eye contact and for her to completely shut me out like that is probably the most painful thing I have been through with her because it happens every time, now.
I have mentioned it and that it bothers me and she said it's nothing, she's just closing her eyes. I asked her who she was thinking about and she said "Who would I think about? I don't even know anyone to think about". That is such a BS answer, I can't believe she said it. I realize everyone thinks about someone else at times during sex, but I don't think what is happening is a healthy thing to be doing. Especially for our marriage.
I don't believe that she has had an affair before and I don't think she is having an emotional affair, either. She works from home an is on the phone in meetings half the day with colleagues from different states, so she isn't physically in contact with anyone during the day. I do believe she may have an infatuation with a coworker, though. She has met most of them while on business trips.
My income has gone down during the last few years due to my company going non-union and my need to accept the cut in pay in order to keep working. She has mentioned that she blames me entirely on our financial struggles to pay for two kids in college and that I am not doing enough to support the family. I have never turned down extra work and rarely spend money on myself. I am starting to feel as if I am not enough of a man in her eyes when she compares her financial struggles to what she perceives her male coworkers financial lives must be like.
As a footnote, she and her co-workers all make over 100k and I am recently retired working for my old company one week per month(as allowed by the union to still collect my pension) and bring in a little over half of her income. I still do side work as often as I can. Until 2008, she only worked two days a week to allow her more time with our children. She somehow forgets that part of our lives.
I think she has a lot of resentment towards me for taking my pension, while she has to still work. The fact of the matter is that with the recent cuts in pay, my pension is the same as working fulltime. So, I figure I can collect it , work 39 hrs/month and do side work and we are ahead of the game, financially. Also I am 57 years old and she is five years younger. I think she believes I shouldn't retire until she can.
Anyhow, my questions are , has anyone else been through this with the fantasizing thing, and what did you do about it?
My problem is she can never show me any affection. If I try to kiss her all I get is a little peck. If I try to hold her hand she pulls it away within five seconds or so. Recently, I've been asking her to join me on the sectional couch, where there is plenty of room for her to sit, and she almost always responds with "That's ok. I'm good here". She did actually join me a week ago and sat three feet away from me. That felt worse than if she hadn't even made the move. This lack of any kind of physical contact has been bothering me more and more over the last several years and I'm about at the end of my rope. I have mentioned it to her and she makes a feeble attempt for a few days and then it's back to the old routine.
I will say we have always had sex on a regular basis, and while I think we both enjoy it, it sometimes seems too routine. I can't get her to try anything new and it feels like she is only doing it to keep me from nagging her about it. She has also become a very selfish lover, in my opinion. While I would go downtown with her every time if she would agree, she hasn't done the same in over two years. I feel as if she has become a taker and gives back nothing. Her attitude is, "let's get this going, I've got more important things to do". When it's over she goes to the bathroom and then back to the family room or to bed, where she rolls on her side facing away from me. Never once do I hear an "I love You", unless I say it first.
The latest twist and to me the most disturbing, is for the last couple of months she has her eyes closed the ENTIRE time we are having sex. I can't say making love because I don't feel as if she is making love to me. I feel as if she is making love to someone else. I watch her face with her eyes closed and I can only wonder what is going on behind them. We have always had a lot of eye contact and for her to completely shut me out like that is probably the most painful thing I have been through with her because it happens every time, now.
I have mentioned it and that it bothers me and she said it's nothing, she's just closing her eyes. I asked her who she was thinking about and she said "Who would I think about? I don't even know anyone to think about". That is such a BS answer, I can't believe she said it. I realize everyone thinks about someone else at times during sex, but I don't think what is happening is a healthy thing to be doing. Especially for our marriage.
I don't believe that she has had an affair before and I don't think she is having an emotional affair, either. She works from home an is on the phone in meetings half the day with colleagues from different states, so she isn't physically in contact with anyone during the day. I do believe she may have an infatuation with a coworker, though. She has met most of them while on business trips.
My income has gone down during the last few years due to my company going non-union and my need to accept the cut in pay in order to keep working. She has mentioned that she blames me entirely on our financial struggles to pay for two kids in college and that I am not doing enough to support the family. I have never turned down extra work and rarely spend money on myself. I am starting to feel as if I am not enough of a man in her eyes when she compares her financial struggles to what she perceives her male coworkers financial lives must be like.
As a footnote, she and her co-workers all make over 100k and I am recently retired working for my old company one week per month(as allowed by the union to still collect my pension) and bring in a little over half of her income. I still do side work as often as I can. Until 2008, she only worked two days a week to allow her more time with our children. She somehow forgets that part of our lives.
I think she has a lot of resentment towards me for taking my pension, while she has to still work. The fact of the matter is that with the recent cuts in pay, my pension is the same as working fulltime. So, I figure I can collect it , work 39 hrs/month and do side work and we are ahead of the game, financially. Also I am 57 years old and she is five years younger. I think she believes I shouldn't retire until she can.
Anyhow, my questions are , has anyone else been through this with the fantasizing thing, and what did you do about it?
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