Hello, everyone. I happened to find these boards a few weeks ago and have been reading and contemplating posting my situation. I would like an honest and objective opinion about my situation, as I truly don't know if I am being unrealistic or have expectations that are too high. I will try to explain :)
Husband and I have been married 22 years (me age 48, him age 49), kids are 12 and 15. WE have had our ups and downs throughout the years just like anyone. Starting about year 5 or so into marriage I started noticing a decline in his interest in physical contact, but then once the kids came along honestly was so tired and so involved with raising babies, toddlers, and young kids that I really was too tired to notice or even care. We may have been intimate maybe six times in a year? And both of us were o.k. with it. Fast forward the last three -five years and now that the kids are much "lower maintenance" in some ways, I have felt the desire to get back to 'like it used to be' and I guess that is a one-way street because he is not really on the same page. He went two years ago to get his t-levels checked which were extremely low, and has been getting shots weekly. For a few months he was really pretty interested (2x a week - which was awesome), but it has dwindled a gain to where it is 1X a week or even 1x every other week if he has a lot going on. Honestly, for me, it's not really even the physical aspects of it, more or less that I feel sooo disconnected from him when it is like that...........like having a brother instead of a spouse:((
Some of the things that really bother me that I want to find out if I am being unrealistic about are:
1. I just can't seem to talk to him about any of this because it turns into a big to-do and we will have a big falling out. To me that is a bad sign right there that we can't even talk about it :((( I have explained that it is important to me and he just says that I am being selfish because right now the kids have a lot of needs and that we need to concentrate on THEM. We do have one that is having some struggles, but I still don't think it is selfish to also find some time to keep US as a couple intact. Am I wrong?
2. Since the youngest was a baby, he has turned into a 'night owl' and stays up until about 2 a.m. mostly just playing on his computer, sometimes doing work, watching movies, etc. It just bothers me that for 12 years I have went to bed alone. NOTHING I have said has gotten him to come to bed early, as he says it is just not his thing to go to bed early. I feel so alone. Again, he says this is me being selfish and not respecting his boundaries. Am I wrong on this, too?
3. I asked him to read "love languages" with me as it was highly recommended. He begrudgingly read the chapters I printed out for him (he wouldn't commit to reading the whole thing). My 'languages' were affirmation and physical touch. He says he can't be something he's not :((( And that I am trying to change him. Evidently I speak his 'language' which is quality time, but he is not speaking mine. He actually made an effort for a month or so, but then it reverted back and he says it's just not who he is.
4. I am feeling guilty because after 3 years of this, I just don't know how long I can take it. I feel horrible because other than this, he is WONDERFUL. A wonderful dad, person, and overall great husband. What else can I do and am I wrong to feel guilty?I know if for no other reason, I have to make it work for the kids. Any 'general' comments or suggestions?
By the way, I am 5' 6", 124 pounds, not unattractive, and he has at times told me that I am prettier than when we got married. But no amount of lingerie, games, or anything else will get his attention. I miss that intimacy and connection that I have with him, but communicating that just makes him 'give in' all the while me knowing his heart isn't in it............the lack of enthusiasm just can't be missed :((((
Please share any thoughts or comments. I do appreciate it!
Husband and I have been married 22 years (me age 48, him age 49), kids are 12 and 15. WE have had our ups and downs throughout the years just like anyone. Starting about year 5 or so into marriage I started noticing a decline in his interest in physical contact, but then once the kids came along honestly was so tired and so involved with raising babies, toddlers, and young kids that I really was too tired to notice or even care. We may have been intimate maybe six times in a year? And both of us were o.k. with it. Fast forward the last three -five years and now that the kids are much "lower maintenance" in some ways, I have felt the desire to get back to 'like it used to be' and I guess that is a one-way street because he is not really on the same page. He went two years ago to get his t-levels checked which were extremely low, and has been getting shots weekly. For a few months he was really pretty interested (2x a week - which was awesome), but it has dwindled a gain to where it is 1X a week or even 1x every other week if he has a lot going on. Honestly, for me, it's not really even the physical aspects of it, more or less that I feel sooo disconnected from him when it is like that...........like having a brother instead of a spouse:((
Some of the things that really bother me that I want to find out if I am being unrealistic about are:
1. I just can't seem to talk to him about any of this because it turns into a big to-do and we will have a big falling out. To me that is a bad sign right there that we can't even talk about it :((( I have explained that it is important to me and he just says that I am being selfish because right now the kids have a lot of needs and that we need to concentrate on THEM. We do have one that is having some struggles, but I still don't think it is selfish to also find some time to keep US as a couple intact. Am I wrong?
2. Since the youngest was a baby, he has turned into a 'night owl' and stays up until about 2 a.m. mostly just playing on his computer, sometimes doing work, watching movies, etc. It just bothers me that for 12 years I have went to bed alone. NOTHING I have said has gotten him to come to bed early, as he says it is just not his thing to go to bed early. I feel so alone. Again, he says this is me being selfish and not respecting his boundaries. Am I wrong on this, too?
3. I asked him to read "love languages" with me as it was highly recommended. He begrudgingly read the chapters I printed out for him (he wouldn't commit to reading the whole thing). My 'languages' were affirmation and physical touch. He says he can't be something he's not :((( And that I am trying to change him. Evidently I speak his 'language' which is quality time, but he is not speaking mine. He actually made an effort for a month or so, but then it reverted back and he says it's just not who he is.
4. I am feeling guilty because after 3 years of this, I just don't know how long I can take it. I feel horrible because other than this, he is WONDERFUL. A wonderful dad, person, and overall great husband. What else can I do and am I wrong to feel guilty?I know if for no other reason, I have to make it work for the kids. Any 'general' comments or suggestions?
By the way, I am 5' 6", 124 pounds, not unattractive, and he has at times told me that I am prettier than when we got married. But no amount of lingerie, games, or anything else will get his attention. I miss that intimacy and connection that I have with him, but communicating that just makes him 'give in' all the while me knowing his heart isn't in it............the lack of enthusiasm just can't be missed :((((
Please share any thoughts or comments. I do appreciate it!
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