It was a year ago today that I told my wife our marriage was circling the drain and headed for divorce unless we BOTH took action fast. While it was the first either of us had spoken about the state of our marriage. It had been percolating in my brain since September 2nd. It was my birthday and it came and went without a card, gift, or anything at all. First she knew she had forgotten it was when our daughter came into our room the next morning with a card and bag of jellybeans singing happy birthday (she was gone with friends on my birthday). My wife turned almost green and left the room without saying a word.
To all our friends and family, our marriage was great. We were both loving and courteous to each other in public, but behind closed doors it was an entirely different story. We rarely had sex and more closely resembled roommates that didn't get along. And although forgetting my birthday was small in the grand picture, it was basically the last straw for me.
While It only took me a minute to decide I was not going to live like that anymore. It took nearly three weeks to decide how I was going to get there. Divorce or try to fix it. To tell you the truth, divorce was the front runner for a while. I was done. But in the end I felt that I could not give up with out a fight. In my head, I felt that if I tried that I could at least blame the failed marriage on her.
So with that I started working on changing. I had a lot of bad habits and I just plain didn't treat her very good. I felt that I needed to change these no matter who I was with. To my surprise it was less than a month later that she came on board and started working with me to make positive changes in ourselves and the marriage. She actually shocked me by announcing that we would have sex twice a week. A stunned Ok was all I could muster upon hearing that.
While it has not been an easy year, it has been a productive one. Each of us has changed a lot. I probably changed faster early on, with her picking up the pace as this summer came on. We both attended counseling, and she went to see a woman in Texas to get help dealing with her childhood sexual abuse. I tell you that woman did more for her in four days than a year of counseling did. I also got my anger under control. Things that would have sent me into a rage a year ago, barely get a reaction from me today. But In the end, her resolving her issues from her abuse was the key to saving our marriage.
So I guess we are in the other side now. It was a hard year, and at times I thought we would not get there as a couple. But we did, and more in love than ever before. Both regretting that we threw away the first 20 years of our marriage, but vowing that the next 20 years will be the best ever.
For the record. This is not a "look what I did, it will work for you too" type thread. I hate those. I'm just sharing our good news as a reminder that not all failing marriages end in divorce. If both spouses are committed and willing to admit and work to change their faults, real and lasting change is possible.
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To all our friends and family, our marriage was great. We were both loving and courteous to each other in public, but behind closed doors it was an entirely different story. We rarely had sex and more closely resembled roommates that didn't get along. And although forgetting my birthday was small in the grand picture, it was basically the last straw for me.
While It only took me a minute to decide I was not going to live like that anymore. It took nearly three weeks to decide how I was going to get there. Divorce or try to fix it. To tell you the truth, divorce was the front runner for a while. I was done. But in the end I felt that I could not give up with out a fight. In my head, I felt that if I tried that I could at least blame the failed marriage on her.
So with that I started working on changing. I had a lot of bad habits and I just plain didn't treat her very good. I felt that I needed to change these no matter who I was with. To my surprise it was less than a month later that she came on board and started working with me to make positive changes in ourselves and the marriage. She actually shocked me by announcing that we would have sex twice a week. A stunned Ok was all I could muster upon hearing that.
While it has not been an easy year, it has been a productive one. Each of us has changed a lot. I probably changed faster early on, with her picking up the pace as this summer came on. We both attended counseling, and she went to see a woman in Texas to get help dealing with her childhood sexual abuse. I tell you that woman did more for her in four days than a year of counseling did. I also got my anger under control. Things that would have sent me into a rage a year ago, barely get a reaction from me today. But In the end, her resolving her issues from her abuse was the key to saving our marriage.
So I guess we are in the other side now. It was a hard year, and at times I thought we would not get there as a couple. But we did, and more in love than ever before. Both regretting that we threw away the first 20 years of our marriage, but vowing that the next 20 years will be the best ever.
For the record. This is not a "look what I did, it will work for you too" type thread. I hate those. I'm just sharing our good news as a reminder that not all failing marriages end in divorce. If both spouses are committed and willing to admit and work to change their faults, real and lasting change is possible.
Posted via Mobile Device
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