My wife and I have been together for 6 years and married for 4. We rarely ever fight and get a long great, until times that I am away for whatever reason, which is VERY rare.
She is extremely insecure and has very low self esteem because of her extremely difficult past. Her parents divorced when she was in high school, and her father (she calls him dad, but he is not her biological father but he adopted her) took a lot of his anger for her mother out on her. She took a lot of emotional abuse from her father while growing up. She had her first child at 19 and did not stay with our oldest son's biological father at first. After our oldest was about 3 or 4 they decided to try to make it work (he was a military man and was gone quite often). During one of his trips back home, he killed himself by shooting himself in the head while she was in the house. She had to live with her father for several years with our oldest until we got together, in which she spent her time arguing all the time with her father and then going out every night to the bars to "get away from him", even though I know and she has partly admitted that it was because she "didn't get to go do what kids that age do because she had a child so young". She for the longest time did not have a relationship with her mother because she resented her for leaving her. About the time we got together she finally started talking to her again, and all of a sudden she was the greatest person in the world, even though I felt differently (she single handedly ruined our wedding by getting drunk and stirring stuff up between her son and other daughter). Regardless, she was the person she could talk to and get advice from, even if it wasn't always the correct advice in my opinion. Where I am getting at is I feel like she put her on a pedestal. Well, about 3 years ago she tragically died unexpectedly in a car accident. This kind of set the wheels in motion for my wife to not be able to cope with ANYTHING.
Fast forward to us and our relationship. We are extremely happy 99% of the time, but any time I have been away without her (which is so extremely rare) we end up in an argument. I will just list a couple of example. A few months ago I attend a golf event with my mom, dad, uncles, and a couple family friends. We drove up on Saturday, golfed, stayed the night, then attended the event on Sunday and drove back that night. We I got home, I tried to give my wife a hug and kiss and tell her I missed her, and she pretty much blew me off, went strait to the couch, and starting tapping away on her phone like always. When I was texting her all day Sunday, she was short and snoody with me, like she always is. Her arguement during these times are always "you don't ever grab me and kiss me and make me feel wanted" even though that is exactly what I tried to do, and then after she snubbed me of course I don't really want to be around her or even try to grab on to her and kiss her like she s ays she wants. She doesn't understand that by acting that way she is actually pushing me away, but she still insists that "you should know that's what I want". We got in a huge fight over this, and I'm to the point where I am suggesting that "we" need help, even though I think with everything she has been through she needs to see someone for her issues more than anything, regardless I am completely on board with getting couples help to get things started. Any time I suggest this, she always talks about leaving and about just ending things and doesn't even consider seeking out the help. I'm afraid that she thinks if we were to get help, she would be the one to blame for all our issues, even though it would be for the best thing for our relationship. I tried to explain to her that I was anxious and stressed out the whole time I was gone because she was being short and snoody and that makes me worry for her. It is always about HER feelings, and how SHE feels when I am away and just in general, it is never about how she is making me feel by acting the way she does or my feelings in general. I am literally with her ALL the time. She doesn't drive, so literally the time I leave work I am with her and the kids. I NEVER get a chance to just get away and be with friends or anyone else without her around unless it is the once every month or so I go in a Saturday golf excursion.
Jump ahead to last week. I had to go on a work trip to the west coast. We live on the east coast. I knew going into the trip how she was going to be, and of course was stressed out about it. I called her the first night I was there at a little music festival that me and one of my co-workers was at. As always she answers the phone short, annoyed like "feel sorry for me" tone of voice like she doesn't even want to talk to me. I told her what we were doing and that I would talk to her tomorrow after talking for a little bit. My co-worker and I indulged in some drinks while I tried to vent a little because I was extremely annoyed at this point. Of course my wife calls when we get back to the hotel room and can tell I had been drinking (which was early on the west coast, but late on the east coast where she is). I am already extremely annoyed at her, and she does the accusitory stuff she always does (she claims every guy she's been with has cheated on her, but I have never nor wil l ever, and I have stressed this to her MANY of times) and accuses me of hanging out with girls and being with girls so I hang up. She calls back and acts ****ty that I hung up so I hung up again. The next morning she calls me out and says "you knew about this music fest the whole time didn't you". I said yes, but I wasn't going to tell you until I got here because I knew how you would be and I didn't want to leave that way. So now of course I have "lied" to her, even though I fully intended on telling her, just not before I left. I of course spend the next 2 hours texting her to explain how I feel because I am fed up with it, and of course once again it is about her feelings and how she is feeling lonely while I'm gone. So we have spent my first day back from the trip barely talking because she acts the way she always does (and pushes away).
She always makes it about her feelings and how I don't listen or even acknowledge her feelings at times like these. This is the ONLY time that she has these complaints, because I am always there for her, she just takes it for granted. She says I never just grab her and kiss her for no reason, which I admit I am not the greatest at (we have 2 kids, both work full time jobs, and are extremely busy all the time) by still try my best to do, but the only time its a problem is if I am gone. She claims she can't talk about her mom's death to me, even though for the first full year at least I was nothing but supportive and an ear for her to listen too, and any time we indulged in some ****tails the night would end with her getting emotional and talking about it. After several several times of this I finally told her one night "hunny let's please not do this tonight". That of course offended her and makes it to where "she can't EVER" talk about it anymore to me. I have told her I am n ot a professional and that you need someone who knows how to deal with this to help you, I can only listen, and only listen so much (like I said, for at least a full year before it really got to me). I can't have a reasonable adult conversation with her about things that she does that bother me because she gets very immature, and always ends up saying she's a terrible wife and person all because of the way she was put down when she was younger by her dad. I try to explain to her that is not the case, but that "we" need help to get through this or else we won't last.
I hate venting like this online, but I have had it, and just want to get other people's opinions and make sure I am not way off base in thinking our relationship won't get better until she get's help (even though she refuses to). Help!
She is extremely insecure and has very low self esteem because of her extremely difficult past. Her parents divorced when she was in high school, and her father (she calls him dad, but he is not her biological father but he adopted her) took a lot of his anger for her mother out on her. She took a lot of emotional abuse from her father while growing up. She had her first child at 19 and did not stay with our oldest son's biological father at first. After our oldest was about 3 or 4 they decided to try to make it work (he was a military man and was gone quite often). During one of his trips back home, he killed himself by shooting himself in the head while she was in the house. She had to live with her father for several years with our oldest until we got together, in which she spent her time arguing all the time with her father and then going out every night to the bars to "get away from him", even though I know and she has partly admitted that it was because she "didn't get to go do what kids that age do because she had a child so young". She for the longest time did not have a relationship with her mother because she resented her for leaving her. About the time we got together she finally started talking to her again, and all of a sudden she was the greatest person in the world, even though I felt differently (she single handedly ruined our wedding by getting drunk and stirring stuff up between her son and other daughter). Regardless, she was the person she could talk to and get advice from, even if it wasn't always the correct advice in my opinion. Where I am getting at is I feel like she put her on a pedestal. Well, about 3 years ago she tragically died unexpectedly in a car accident. This kind of set the wheels in motion for my wife to not be able to cope with ANYTHING.
Fast forward to us and our relationship. We are extremely happy 99% of the time, but any time I have been away without her (which is so extremely rare) we end up in an argument. I will just list a couple of example. A few months ago I attend a golf event with my mom, dad, uncles, and a couple family friends. We drove up on Saturday, golfed, stayed the night, then attended the event on Sunday and drove back that night. We I got home, I tried to give my wife a hug and kiss and tell her I missed her, and she pretty much blew me off, went strait to the couch, and starting tapping away on her phone like always. When I was texting her all day Sunday, she was short and snoody with me, like she always is. Her arguement during these times are always "you don't ever grab me and kiss me and make me feel wanted" even though that is exactly what I tried to do, and then after she snubbed me of course I don't really want to be around her or even try to grab on to her and kiss her like she s ays she wants. She doesn't understand that by acting that way she is actually pushing me away, but she still insists that "you should know that's what I want". We got in a huge fight over this, and I'm to the point where I am suggesting that "we" need help, even though I think with everything she has been through she needs to see someone for her issues more than anything, regardless I am completely on board with getting couples help to get things started. Any time I suggest this, she always talks about leaving and about just ending things and doesn't even consider seeking out the help. I'm afraid that she thinks if we were to get help, she would be the one to blame for all our issues, even though it would be for the best thing for our relationship. I tried to explain to her that I was anxious and stressed out the whole time I was gone because she was being short and snoody and that makes me worry for her. It is always about HER feelings, and how SHE feels when I am away and just in general, it is never about how she is making me feel by acting the way she does or my feelings in general. I am literally with her ALL the time. She doesn't drive, so literally the time I leave work I am with her and the kids. I NEVER get a chance to just get away and be with friends or anyone else without her around unless it is the once every month or so I go in a Saturday golf excursion.
Jump ahead to last week. I had to go on a work trip to the west coast. We live on the east coast. I knew going into the trip how she was going to be, and of course was stressed out about it. I called her the first night I was there at a little music festival that me and one of my co-workers was at. As always she answers the phone short, annoyed like "feel sorry for me" tone of voice like she doesn't even want to talk to me. I told her what we were doing and that I would talk to her tomorrow after talking for a little bit. My co-worker and I indulged in some drinks while I tried to vent a little because I was extremely annoyed at this point. Of course my wife calls when we get back to the hotel room and can tell I had been drinking (which was early on the west coast, but late on the east coast where she is). I am already extremely annoyed at her, and she does the accusitory stuff she always does (she claims every guy she's been with has cheated on her, but I have never nor wil l ever, and I have stressed this to her MANY of times) and accuses me of hanging out with girls and being with girls so I hang up. She calls back and acts ****ty that I hung up so I hung up again. The next morning she calls me out and says "you knew about this music fest the whole time didn't you". I said yes, but I wasn't going to tell you until I got here because I knew how you would be and I didn't want to leave that way. So now of course I have "lied" to her, even though I fully intended on telling her, just not before I left. I of course spend the next 2 hours texting her to explain how I feel because I am fed up with it, and of course once again it is about her feelings and how she is feeling lonely while I'm gone. So we have spent my first day back from the trip barely talking because she acts the way she always does (and pushes away).
She always makes it about her feelings and how I don't listen or even acknowledge her feelings at times like these. This is the ONLY time that she has these complaints, because I am always there for her, she just takes it for granted. She says I never just grab her and kiss her for no reason, which I admit I am not the greatest at (we have 2 kids, both work full time jobs, and are extremely busy all the time) by still try my best to do, but the only time its a problem is if I am gone. She claims she can't talk about her mom's death to me, even though for the first full year at least I was nothing but supportive and an ear for her to listen too, and any time we indulged in some ****tails the night would end with her getting emotional and talking about it. After several several times of this I finally told her one night "hunny let's please not do this tonight". That of course offended her and makes it to where "she can't EVER" talk about it anymore to me. I have told her I am n ot a professional and that you need someone who knows how to deal with this to help you, I can only listen, and only listen so much (like I said, for at least a full year before it really got to me). I can't have a reasonable adult conversation with her about things that she does that bother me because she gets very immature, and always ends up saying she's a terrible wife and person all because of the way she was put down when she was younger by her dad. I try to explain to her that is not the case, but that "we" need help to get through this or else we won't last.
I hate venting like this online, but I have had it, and just want to get other people's opinions and make sure I am not way off base in thinking our relationship won't get better until she get's help (even though she refuses to). Help!
Put the internet to work for you.
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