Hi- i've been with my husband for 17yrs, we have 3 kids together- 10, 8, & 5. I love him so much and I am the one who always wants to spend time with him, to have fun, to have sex! I am positive and happy to see him.. untill he does something to upset me.
Before I go into all the problems, and I don't think I could go into all, I want to tell you he adores me and our kids. Almost everything he does is a backhanded way of helping us, or that is his intention. We talk a lot! More than any couple we know! We are very open and honest, but nothing much seems to change. He has been told a thousand times how amazing I am and that he is lucky to have me- which only makes him feel more worthless and not proactive to change.
He puts everyone else first. He will help anyone, he volunteers to help people he has just met or friends of friends when they aren't even helping. It's an average of 4 nights a week now he is not home till very late if at all. And when he is he's in a bad mood or sleeping. He has gone through numerous addictions over the years- pretty much one straight to another.
We both have had our share of issues and mistakes over the years, I have contributed to our problems (especially the sex issue) and we both hold resentment. But I feel I have also forgiven a lot, which I don't think he really has.
We do not have the same interests any more. We listen but really don't care about what the other is talking about. He has been doing this to me for years, but now I finally am doing it to him. I don't care about car parts, and fishing, and other peoples problems! as much as he doesn't react at all when I tell him about something funny, or annoying, or interesting in my day. He is too preoccupied in his own head to fake any interest! And we don't do anything together, we don't go anywhere because we don't like the same things and he gets anxious in public places. I take the kids out on my own. I've gone along with the camping, car shows and feral mates houses enough. Does he take me to dinner? Our last anniversary (after 3 failed anniversary, birthday and mothers day dinners) I organised the dinner. He ended up having a funeral on that day so I said not a problem we'll celebrate the next day. -We went, no a smile on his face, he was more interested in talking to the waiters, a nd we left before desert- home and then he disappeared to see a friend.
Anyway I am now at the point where I can't take any more. I want him to change- to be happy and be able to relax- he blames it all on me that he can't. He wants me to quit my new business which we had planned together for a better future. If it would solve all our issues to save our marriage I would! But I think it might help a few, and might cause others- like financial short term, & resentment, as well as giving up a huge opportunity. We don't have a back up plan.
We have just had yet another fight over the past few days where I am feeling broken hearted- rejected, not important, & alone. I have all but said its over- yet we have been here so many times before.
And we have our first family holiday coming up in a month! He keeps telling me how much he is looking forward to it, how there will be no stress, he will be a changed man, it means so much to him.
I will loose the money i've spent if I cancel- we are all so looking forward to it too. Part of me was hoping for a little romance despite having 3 kids with us, while another part of me even told my daughter if dad was grumpy at any stage we were just going to leave him in the hotel and go have fun without him. -(booked 4 months ago so you can already see my expectation)
I have just been talking to a friend, she suggested with all things considered we should still go on our family holiday- but I was to treat him as a friend and father to my children. Not a partner that I had any expectations of so that he couldn't let me down. She said to distance myself from him, not to open any feelings conversation with him over the next month while I made sure separation was what I really wanted.
I have done this before, but he knows me so well he always gets it out of me when something is wrong, and he always makes me feel for him again and believe he will change.
I plan to get my business in order so I have options of perhaps selling if need be, but especially making sure it is self sufficient so I don't need to rely on him.
It would be so easy if there was cheating or some defining moment where it was all made black and white. But after 17 years, 3 kids, and still love for each other- its all grey!!
Before I go into all the problems, and I don't think I could go into all, I want to tell you he adores me and our kids. Almost everything he does is a backhanded way of helping us, or that is his intention. We talk a lot! More than any couple we know! We are very open and honest, but nothing much seems to change. He has been told a thousand times how amazing I am and that he is lucky to have me- which only makes him feel more worthless and not proactive to change.
He puts everyone else first. He will help anyone, he volunteers to help people he has just met or friends of friends when they aren't even helping. It's an average of 4 nights a week now he is not home till very late if at all. And when he is he's in a bad mood or sleeping. He has gone through numerous addictions over the years- pretty much one straight to another.
We both have had our share of issues and mistakes over the years, I have contributed to our problems (especially the sex issue) and we both hold resentment. But I feel I have also forgiven a lot, which I don't think he really has.
We do not have the same interests any more. We listen but really don't care about what the other is talking about. He has been doing this to me for years, but now I finally am doing it to him. I don't care about car parts, and fishing, and other peoples problems! as much as he doesn't react at all when I tell him about something funny, or annoying, or interesting in my day. He is too preoccupied in his own head to fake any interest! And we don't do anything together, we don't go anywhere because we don't like the same things and he gets anxious in public places. I take the kids out on my own. I've gone along with the camping, car shows and feral mates houses enough. Does he take me to dinner? Our last anniversary (after 3 failed anniversary, birthday and mothers day dinners) I organised the dinner. He ended up having a funeral on that day so I said not a problem we'll celebrate the next day. -We went, no a smile on his face, he was more interested in talking to the waiters, a nd we left before desert- home and then he disappeared to see a friend.
Anyway I am now at the point where I can't take any more. I want him to change- to be happy and be able to relax- he blames it all on me that he can't. He wants me to quit my new business which we had planned together for a better future. If it would solve all our issues to save our marriage I would! But I think it might help a few, and might cause others- like financial short term, & resentment, as well as giving up a huge opportunity. We don't have a back up plan.
We have just had yet another fight over the past few days where I am feeling broken hearted- rejected, not important, & alone. I have all but said its over- yet we have been here so many times before.
And we have our first family holiday coming up in a month! He keeps telling me how much he is looking forward to it, how there will be no stress, he will be a changed man, it means so much to him.
I will loose the money i've spent if I cancel- we are all so looking forward to it too. Part of me was hoping for a little romance despite having 3 kids with us, while another part of me even told my daughter if dad was grumpy at any stage we were just going to leave him in the hotel and go have fun without him. -(booked 4 months ago so you can already see my expectation)
I have just been talking to a friend, she suggested with all things considered we should still go on our family holiday- but I was to treat him as a friend and father to my children. Not a partner that I had any expectations of so that he couldn't let me down. She said to distance myself from him, not to open any feelings conversation with him over the next month while I made sure separation was what I really wanted.
I have done this before, but he knows me so well he always gets it out of me when something is wrong, and he always makes me feel for him again and believe he will change.
I plan to get my business in order so I have options of perhaps selling if need be, but especially making sure it is self sufficient so I don't need to rely on him.
It would be so easy if there was cheating or some defining moment where it was all made black and white. But after 17 years, 3 kids, and still love for each other- its all grey!!
Put the internet to work for you.
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