I am writing and posting this finally because I can't take it anymore. Every ounce in me is tired and feeling lost on what I should do. I even feel silly coming here posting but this is my only outlet.
I love my husband and children more than myself. In everything I do, I always give them the best before myself. I would give my life for their. I believe I have tolerated all this crap for years because I need him and love him so much. It is one of those consuming love that I wouldn't even say I am hurt because I am afraid saying it would hurt him. Last night was one of the few times I told him how I really felt after weeks of thinking about talking to him. I very seldom pick a fight and usually he starts all our fights and I am usually defending myself. I certainly feel I love him more than he loves me.
We have been married for 5 years and I've quit my job for 4 years now since having my first child. My husband has been accusing me of cheating or comparing him with other men for most of the 5 years. It is a constant issue. I have never once cheated in my life. He has been my first and only love. I have been accuse of cheating with ex-clients, ex-colleagues, admiring my friend's husbands, checking out celebrities, my cousin, old men, young men, gays, the guy on a poster, the guy at the restaurant...you name it. At first I thought it was just crazy accusations and brushed them aside and defended myself. Over the years he requests that I say ONLY sorry to all that I have done wrong. I have tried doing that just to make the issue go away but it doesn't go away. I feel I have to defend myself else I am lying to him and myself because deep down I know I have been accused. He says I keep talking about guys all the time. Honestly you know these type of people, they only see what th ey want to see from their own lens. Basically I cannot mention any male person beside my son and father else I am on the chopping block. My actions and words are always twisted and assumed to be something that it really isn't. To cut it short, nothing I do or say can redeem myself. I have even offered to take a polygraph test to prove my innocence and that my brain does not function the way he accuse me of thinking. He says he believes polygraphs are not reliable. I am willing to bet my marriage of the results of a polygraph to show how innocent I am. What more can I do?
Because these accusations, the love of my life has mentioned he wants to divorce me, ask me to leave his house. In our arguments glasses have been broken because he was banging on his table, broke my handphone, kicked me, shouted at my face, ridiculed me trying to mimic my defenses and just last night put his hands around my neck. The only time I was actually hurt was when he kicked my shin and it was blue black for a week. I don't think he is an abuser but he just can't control his emotions but nevertheless it hurts my heart the most.
He says he only feels this way because he loves me so much and is scared to lose me. How am I suppose to believe that he loves me when he has said and done all these things to me. He says that I always want to be right and that I have done him wrong and caused all this. Now I am beginning to think if he feels this way about me because he is a cheater himself. I have no proof or he doesn't show it in any way. He knows my every whereabout 24/7 and I have someone with me all the time and that there is no way I can ever have an affair. Where else I don't know what happens once he is off to work plus he is good looking and has a fancy car and we are generally well to do. Before we were married (dated 5 years), he never introduced me to any of this colleagues and I once caught him watching porn and found out he was on dating sites 'looking' for someone to 'spend the rest of his life with'. We were engage then. Can you imagine how I felt? It crushed me but I brushed it aside and loo ked forward because I love him so much. I really thought I was the one but when I confronted him, he just said sorry and that he never acted out or used the site to date anyone. It was just curiosity. During our years of dating, I felt we were truly and madly in love. I had absolutely no clue or any hint that he would be looking for someone else. I really don't know what he is capable of doing...affair, hired sex etc. I have let my imagination run wild these few weeks trying to search for the root of this craziness and it's killing me. Why won't he want me to take the polygraph? Maybe he is afraid I would ask one from him too?
There are really so many areas that are wrong. The list would go on and on. One of the other issues we have is that he had a big fallout with my parents and hates them. This griefs me greatly. My parents were in the wrong but what's done is done and cannot be undone. I avoid talking about them like a plague but we bring it up ever so often and just recently he had so much spite for my parents and threaten to do horrible things to them which could be just all talk but the immense hate is incredible that one would even think such things. I love my parents dearly and to hear such things make tears fill my eyes instantly. I told him last night and he felt no remorse saying those things.
My husband says he loves me so much but every week almost like clockwork, he will sit me down to talk about something. Either old hurts, accusations of me cheating, my parents issues or things I have done or said or that I was insensitive. I admit I am insensitive compare to him which may be hyper sensitive and I have said things that may have come out sounding wrong. I am not the best with words and actually I am perhaps extremely quiet by nature. I have been so careful with my words until I am so self aware but yet I always manage to say things the wrong way. It really hurts me when he has so many things that he hates about me. He says I am bossy and that he doesn't feel like the man in the house because I decide everything from when the kids go up to sleep to what food we eat. I may be doing so only because that is what I do all day as a full time mom. Yet he keeps asking me to decide. If I answer I am wrong, if I don't --beep that's wrong too as I am being hostile. I feel all these things are trivial things. He decides everything from finances to our house, cars, work etc - all the big stuff. So how on earth can you accuse me of wanting to be in control. For me if he wants to decide dinner, I am willing to give up the job in a flash. In short there are 101 things he would like me to change. It's funny that he never once sat me down to talk about how I needed to change before we got married. I am so lost and taken aback sometimes by things that he brings up in our arguments. Some things are so far out that I would have never taken the hint that he was pissed by that.
But after all said, there is still love and I am not giving up although I am so tired. I still love him so much and if only he would really love me back. I really don't know if it is true that he claims he loves me so much and that the kids and I mean everything to him. Can you imagine how tiring and trying it is? He is mostly a wonderful person and a great father. When times are good, we can talk and laugh for hours and hours like best friends (of course with much caution on my side still). He really seems like the perfect husband until those times we argue and all these crazy things come out. It is really such a roller coaster of emotions week after week. I am on highs and all is good if he loves me and we are talking again and deep in the pits of depression when we argue. I have pleaded that we simplify life and literally just have a happily ever. What should I do?
When pouring out my hurts and how I felt to him last night, he said that I should stop my 'greatest hits' list and what good will it do to bring up any of these issues. What good will it do for our marriage? OMG talk about not being able to see the sawdust mill in your own eyes and pointing out the speck of dust in mine. For years we've been talking about my faults and how I need to change. His response throughout the night is that 'He is wrong' and I am right and that he loves me so much and that he just wants to sleep. He says that I always just need to be right. He treats all my years of defending myself as merely that I need to be right in every situation. I've asked that we go for counseling. He says I only want to go so that I can prove that he is wrong.
If I need to change, I am willing to do that. I have tried to change on the things I am aware off but how can I change if I am not even aware I did something that hurts or displeases him. I am always two steps behind with more to change. I don't know if I will ever catch up. I want our marriage to survive and that is why I am trying so hard to be better. I don't know if all these sound like I am too petty and that I am the problem here? Should I just say I am wrong and accept all responsibility and accept my life will be like this if I want to be with this man because I love him? PLEASE don't tell me to walk out. I will only leave if he has been proven to be cheating or if he leaves me first. What should I do? The only think I can think of it keep soldiering on. What should I do? Is this common in other marriages? I can't change him. I can only change me. Why can't life just be simple and why can't we strip all the complexities away?
What should I do?
I am not sure if I will find an answer here but maybe just sharing itself is healing.
I love my husband and children more than myself. In everything I do, I always give them the best before myself. I would give my life for their. I believe I have tolerated all this crap for years because I need him and love him so much. It is one of those consuming love that I wouldn't even say I am hurt because I am afraid saying it would hurt him. Last night was one of the few times I told him how I really felt after weeks of thinking about talking to him. I very seldom pick a fight and usually he starts all our fights and I am usually defending myself. I certainly feel I love him more than he loves me.
We have been married for 5 years and I've quit my job for 4 years now since having my first child. My husband has been accusing me of cheating or comparing him with other men for most of the 5 years. It is a constant issue. I have never once cheated in my life. He has been my first and only love. I have been accuse of cheating with ex-clients, ex-colleagues, admiring my friend's husbands, checking out celebrities, my cousin, old men, young men, gays, the guy on a poster, the guy at the restaurant...you name it. At first I thought it was just crazy accusations and brushed them aside and defended myself. Over the years he requests that I say ONLY sorry to all that I have done wrong. I have tried doing that just to make the issue go away but it doesn't go away. I feel I have to defend myself else I am lying to him and myself because deep down I know I have been accused. He says I keep talking about guys all the time. Honestly you know these type of people, they only see what th ey want to see from their own lens. Basically I cannot mention any male person beside my son and father else I am on the chopping block. My actions and words are always twisted and assumed to be something that it really isn't. To cut it short, nothing I do or say can redeem myself. I have even offered to take a polygraph test to prove my innocence and that my brain does not function the way he accuse me of thinking. He says he believes polygraphs are not reliable. I am willing to bet my marriage of the results of a polygraph to show how innocent I am. What more can I do?
Because these accusations, the love of my life has mentioned he wants to divorce me, ask me to leave his house. In our arguments glasses have been broken because he was banging on his table, broke my handphone, kicked me, shouted at my face, ridiculed me trying to mimic my defenses and just last night put his hands around my neck. The only time I was actually hurt was when he kicked my shin and it was blue black for a week. I don't think he is an abuser but he just can't control his emotions but nevertheless it hurts my heart the most.
He says he only feels this way because he loves me so much and is scared to lose me. How am I suppose to believe that he loves me when he has said and done all these things to me. He says that I always want to be right and that I have done him wrong and caused all this. Now I am beginning to think if he feels this way about me because he is a cheater himself. I have no proof or he doesn't show it in any way. He knows my every whereabout 24/7 and I have someone with me all the time and that there is no way I can ever have an affair. Where else I don't know what happens once he is off to work plus he is good looking and has a fancy car and we are generally well to do. Before we were married (dated 5 years), he never introduced me to any of this colleagues and I once caught him watching porn and found out he was on dating sites 'looking' for someone to 'spend the rest of his life with'. We were engage then. Can you imagine how I felt? It crushed me but I brushed it aside and loo ked forward because I love him so much. I really thought I was the one but when I confronted him, he just said sorry and that he never acted out or used the site to date anyone. It was just curiosity. During our years of dating, I felt we were truly and madly in love. I had absolutely no clue or any hint that he would be looking for someone else. I really don't know what he is capable of doing...affair, hired sex etc. I have let my imagination run wild these few weeks trying to search for the root of this craziness and it's killing me. Why won't he want me to take the polygraph? Maybe he is afraid I would ask one from him too?
There are really so many areas that are wrong. The list would go on and on. One of the other issues we have is that he had a big fallout with my parents and hates them. This griefs me greatly. My parents were in the wrong but what's done is done and cannot be undone. I avoid talking about them like a plague but we bring it up ever so often and just recently he had so much spite for my parents and threaten to do horrible things to them which could be just all talk but the immense hate is incredible that one would even think such things. I love my parents dearly and to hear such things make tears fill my eyes instantly. I told him last night and he felt no remorse saying those things.
My husband says he loves me so much but every week almost like clockwork, he will sit me down to talk about something. Either old hurts, accusations of me cheating, my parents issues or things I have done or said or that I was insensitive. I admit I am insensitive compare to him which may be hyper sensitive and I have said things that may have come out sounding wrong. I am not the best with words and actually I am perhaps extremely quiet by nature. I have been so careful with my words until I am so self aware but yet I always manage to say things the wrong way. It really hurts me when he has so many things that he hates about me. He says I am bossy and that he doesn't feel like the man in the house because I decide everything from when the kids go up to sleep to what food we eat. I may be doing so only because that is what I do all day as a full time mom. Yet he keeps asking me to decide. If I answer I am wrong, if I don't --beep that's wrong too as I am being hostile. I feel all these things are trivial things. He decides everything from finances to our house, cars, work etc - all the big stuff. So how on earth can you accuse me of wanting to be in control. For me if he wants to decide dinner, I am willing to give up the job in a flash. In short there are 101 things he would like me to change. It's funny that he never once sat me down to talk about how I needed to change before we got married. I am so lost and taken aback sometimes by things that he brings up in our arguments. Some things are so far out that I would have never taken the hint that he was pissed by that.
But after all said, there is still love and I am not giving up although I am so tired. I still love him so much and if only he would really love me back. I really don't know if it is true that he claims he loves me so much and that the kids and I mean everything to him. Can you imagine how tiring and trying it is? He is mostly a wonderful person and a great father. When times are good, we can talk and laugh for hours and hours like best friends (of course with much caution on my side still). He really seems like the perfect husband until those times we argue and all these crazy things come out. It is really such a roller coaster of emotions week after week. I am on highs and all is good if he loves me and we are talking again and deep in the pits of depression when we argue. I have pleaded that we simplify life and literally just have a happily ever. What should I do?
When pouring out my hurts and how I felt to him last night, he said that I should stop my 'greatest hits' list and what good will it do to bring up any of these issues. What good will it do for our marriage? OMG talk about not being able to see the sawdust mill in your own eyes and pointing out the speck of dust in mine. For years we've been talking about my faults and how I need to change. His response throughout the night is that 'He is wrong' and I am right and that he loves me so much and that he just wants to sleep. He says that I always just need to be right. He treats all my years of defending myself as merely that I need to be right in every situation. I've asked that we go for counseling. He says I only want to go so that I can prove that he is wrong.
If I need to change, I am willing to do that. I have tried to change on the things I am aware off but how can I change if I am not even aware I did something that hurts or displeases him. I am always two steps behind with more to change. I don't know if I will ever catch up. I want our marriage to survive and that is why I am trying so hard to be better. I don't know if all these sound like I am too petty and that I am the problem here? Should I just say I am wrong and accept all responsibility and accept my life will be like this if I want to be with this man because I love him? PLEASE don't tell me to walk out. I will only leave if he has been proven to be cheating or if he leaves me first. What should I do? The only think I can think of it keep soldiering on. What should I do? Is this common in other marriages? I can't change him. I can only change me. Why can't life just be simple and why can't we strip all the complexities away?
What should I do?
I am not sure if I will find an answer here but maybe just sharing itself is healing.
Put the internet to work for you.
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