I am horribly terrified of talking to my husband. I feel like every time I try to tell him how I'm feeling about anything personal to our relationship, he rolls his eyes, mocks me, flat out ignores me, or plays the martyr and somehow turns it around so that I end up trying to stroke his ego. I always walk away feeling even worse than I did before approaching, if that's even possible. My fear of speaking to him has gotten so bad that we barely get past a cordial "How was work?" He did surprise me this morning by actually asking how my night went as well.
As it is, I had a really rough night so when he came in this morning, instead of getting up and starting my day like normal, I curled up and went back to sleep with him. I woke up later in tears after having a horrible dream. I know I was crying in my sleep because my face and his chest were soaked. Anyway, the dream was so vivid and realistic that I realized I really need to talk to him about it. In it, we were having an amazing sexual encounter when he suddenly got up mid-intimacy and starting yelling at me about everything I do wrong (from child-rearing to housework), how disgusting my body is, and just in general touching on everything that would break my heart. I know it was just a dream but I still can't shake it and it is tearing me up. All of my insecurities smacking me in the face at once.
I couldn't talk to him today because I also woke up to the news that there was a family tragedy and I needed to go be with my mother who's sister had passed in the night. But I did tell him that I want to talk to him tomorrow.
I didn't used to be so insecure. When we met, I knew I was gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, fun, proud, and strong. But over the last 7 years I have become an empty shell of that woman I used to be. The lack of sex has taken a toll on me. I question whether he is even attracted to me. The voids in conversation or when he just walks out of a room when I'm talking. I'm apparently not interesting anymore. He never smiles or laughs anymore. I don't believe I'm a fun person anymore. I could go on and on.
Fortunately, I will have liquid courage to aid me tomorrow. It just so happens that tomorrow is my best friend's birthday and we are supposed to go out to the bar with her. I normally don't drink, though he does. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, I have this thought that talking to him while we've both been drinking is going to be disastrous! But I also know that if I try to do it sober, I will chicken out and never say anything. I've read books. I've rehearsed what I want to say in my mind. I'm prepared to say what I need to get off my chest. What I'm not prepared for, is his reaction. I'm terrified that this may possibly be the worst decision of my life.
I'm incredibly broken. If he dismisses my feelings, again... I know in my head that something has to give. I keep trying to convince myself that I just need to accept our marriage as it is. That he puts a roof over our head and pays the bills. That this empty loneliness I feel so often is normal in marriage. But at the same time, I know there has to be more. My heart just won't accept that my marriage is not okay. I love this man. I can't lose him. I know that even if nothing changes, I won't leave. I'll just wilt a little more, get even quieter, and put on a smile when I walk out the front door for the world to see.
What do you do when you can't leave, and you can't make things change?
As it is, I had a really rough night so when he came in this morning, instead of getting up and starting my day like normal, I curled up and went back to sleep with him. I woke up later in tears after having a horrible dream. I know I was crying in my sleep because my face and his chest were soaked. Anyway, the dream was so vivid and realistic that I realized I really need to talk to him about it. In it, we were having an amazing sexual encounter when he suddenly got up mid-intimacy and starting yelling at me about everything I do wrong (from child-rearing to housework), how disgusting my body is, and just in general touching on everything that would break my heart. I know it was just a dream but I still can't shake it and it is tearing me up. All of my insecurities smacking me in the face at once.
I couldn't talk to him today because I also woke up to the news that there was a family tragedy and I needed to go be with my mother who's sister had passed in the night. But I did tell him that I want to talk to him tomorrow.
I didn't used to be so insecure. When we met, I knew I was gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, fun, proud, and strong. But over the last 7 years I have become an empty shell of that woman I used to be. The lack of sex has taken a toll on me. I question whether he is even attracted to me. The voids in conversation or when he just walks out of a room when I'm talking. I'm apparently not interesting anymore. He never smiles or laughs anymore. I don't believe I'm a fun person anymore. I could go on and on.
Fortunately, I will have liquid courage to aid me tomorrow. It just so happens that tomorrow is my best friend's birthday and we are supposed to go out to the bar with her. I normally don't drink, though he does. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, I have this thought that talking to him while we've both been drinking is going to be disastrous! But I also know that if I try to do it sober, I will chicken out and never say anything. I've read books. I've rehearsed what I want to say in my mind. I'm prepared to say what I need to get off my chest. What I'm not prepared for, is his reaction. I'm terrified that this may possibly be the worst decision of my life.
I'm incredibly broken. If he dismisses my feelings, again... I know in my head that something has to give. I keep trying to convince myself that I just need to accept our marriage as it is. That he puts a roof over our head and pays the bills. That this empty loneliness I feel so often is normal in marriage. But at the same time, I know there has to be more. My heart just won't accept that my marriage is not okay. I love this man. I can't lose him. I know that even if nothing changes, I won't leave. I'll just wilt a little more, get even quieter, and put on a smile when I walk out the front door for the world to see.
What do you do when you can't leave, and you can't make things change?
Put the internet to work for you.
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