My apologies in advance, this is going to be all over the place. For 2 days I've been trying to put my thoughts together and I still can't even come up with a thread title. I've decided to simply put it out here as it comes to me.
I have previous threads for background. The core of it right now...I am detached from my marriage and from my husband. I have been trying for a few years to find my way back, to love him again, be in love with him again, desire him again. I am a horrible communicator. Horrible. I know that and have so far been unsuccessful at changing that defect in myself. H thrives on communication, verbose to the nth degree. He has scaled it back some at my request. Lately I've become even more quiet, which he has noticed, because I don't want to hurt him, hurt his feelings, give a voice to the negative things I think about him or the deep unhappiness I have in our marriage. He is sensitive. So very, very sensitive. I learned a long time ago that he can get cut to the core very easily. He has told me for years that I suck in the girlfriend department of being a wife. I acknowledge that to be true. If I were to ever say something like that to him it would be overwhelmingly painful to him. I 've learned to keep my mouth shut, which is a natural tendency anyway.
A few nights ago we argued. I put on my big girl panties and told him that I am basically sticking around because of our daughters. That took all the fight out of him. He hasn't spoken to me since. I called our counselor. I wanted to get in for IC and we definitely need more MC. She moved but offered a skype type session. We've been seeing her for years, I've gone on my own also, and I don't want to have to start all over again with someone new & spend weeks establishing all the background. There's so much. But I don't know what is turning me off the skype session. I'll give it a try though. I need help. Guidance. Guts. Clarity.
When I ask myself if I WANT this marriage, I'm afraid of my answer. As H says, I make a great roommate & caretaker. I don't trust him anymore. I don't believe in him anymore. I have learned that he wants to take the easy road. He tanked his career 2 years ago and is on his 2nd class towards a new degree. He talks & talks & talks, but that's it. I can usually tune it out because I know what he says will not come to fruition. But lately he's talking about how overwhelmed he is with work, school (ONE class) and family and he shuts down. He skipped an important class because when he gets this way he shuts down & does nothing. That is happening more frequently and I'm still left with bills, dinner, kids' homework, baths, laundry, schedule, etc. if he stays on course it will take a good 4-6 years for his degree. Lately I'm hearing that one class is too much, he wants to go part time or not work at all in order to finish school. He calls in "sick" even though he doesn't have sick ti me, he's the first to volunteer to leave work if they are overstaffed. We are making less than 1/2 of what we were making 2 years ago. We can't afford these "sick" days and if I say something about it he tells me I'm more interested in the material things than him. He values family time over money in his pocket. I'm not talking about money in my pocket, I'm talking about a roof over our head and food on the table. My car needs new tires. There's no family time if there's no money. That sounds harsh so I hope you understand my meaning behind that.
He lies. That's what got him fired from his 17+ year career. He lied to cover something stupid up. Yes, he would have been reprimanded, but the consequences would have been minimal. His lying caught up with him and he swore to me he would not do that again. I find that he's telling little lies again. I don't trust him.
He says he loves me, is in love with me, and the girls & I are all he wants. He criticizes me everyday for something. Sometimes big, sometimes small. I'm a bad communicator, yes I acknowledge that. He says I'm a great mother, doing a great job with our girls, but then he'll say the trouble we're having with some normal kid behaviors is my fault. He jumps all over me if I set something on the kitchen counter or table. He criticizes my family, directly to them!! Yet he's not speaking to his family & hasn't for years. He has 1 friend and criticizes the time I spend with, or talking to, my girlfriends.
I know he feels tortured by my silence. I have told him much of how I'm feeling before and he feels dumped on and takes it all so deep & personally that he turns my words into so much more. At one time I told him I was disappointed in a decision he made. It was a decision not to go to a funeral service that I felt was important. He turned that into that I am disappointed in him, as a man, husband and father. I can't tell him one simple specific thing because he turns it into a universal attack on him.
How do you know when you're done? How do you know when to keep working and trying harder? When is enough, enough?
Posted via Mobile Device
I have previous threads for background. The core of it right now...I am detached from my marriage and from my husband. I have been trying for a few years to find my way back, to love him again, be in love with him again, desire him again. I am a horrible communicator. Horrible. I know that and have so far been unsuccessful at changing that defect in myself. H thrives on communication, verbose to the nth degree. He has scaled it back some at my request. Lately I've become even more quiet, which he has noticed, because I don't want to hurt him, hurt his feelings, give a voice to the negative things I think about him or the deep unhappiness I have in our marriage. He is sensitive. So very, very sensitive. I learned a long time ago that he can get cut to the core very easily. He has told me for years that I suck in the girlfriend department of being a wife. I acknowledge that to be true. If I were to ever say something like that to him it would be overwhelmingly painful to him. I 've learned to keep my mouth shut, which is a natural tendency anyway.
A few nights ago we argued. I put on my big girl panties and told him that I am basically sticking around because of our daughters. That took all the fight out of him. He hasn't spoken to me since. I called our counselor. I wanted to get in for IC and we definitely need more MC. She moved but offered a skype type session. We've been seeing her for years, I've gone on my own also, and I don't want to have to start all over again with someone new & spend weeks establishing all the background. There's so much. But I don't know what is turning me off the skype session. I'll give it a try though. I need help. Guidance. Guts. Clarity.
When I ask myself if I WANT this marriage, I'm afraid of my answer. As H says, I make a great roommate & caretaker. I don't trust him anymore. I don't believe in him anymore. I have learned that he wants to take the easy road. He tanked his career 2 years ago and is on his 2nd class towards a new degree. He talks & talks & talks, but that's it. I can usually tune it out because I know what he says will not come to fruition. But lately he's talking about how overwhelmed he is with work, school (ONE class) and family and he shuts down. He skipped an important class because when he gets this way he shuts down & does nothing. That is happening more frequently and I'm still left with bills, dinner, kids' homework, baths, laundry, schedule, etc. if he stays on course it will take a good 4-6 years for his degree. Lately I'm hearing that one class is too much, he wants to go part time or not work at all in order to finish school. He calls in "sick" even though he doesn't have sick ti me, he's the first to volunteer to leave work if they are overstaffed. We are making less than 1/2 of what we were making 2 years ago. We can't afford these "sick" days and if I say something about it he tells me I'm more interested in the material things than him. He values family time over money in his pocket. I'm not talking about money in my pocket, I'm talking about a roof over our head and food on the table. My car needs new tires. There's no family time if there's no money. That sounds harsh so I hope you understand my meaning behind that.
He lies. That's what got him fired from his 17+ year career. He lied to cover something stupid up. Yes, he would have been reprimanded, but the consequences would have been minimal. His lying caught up with him and he swore to me he would not do that again. I find that he's telling little lies again. I don't trust him.
He says he loves me, is in love with me, and the girls & I are all he wants. He criticizes me everyday for something. Sometimes big, sometimes small. I'm a bad communicator, yes I acknowledge that. He says I'm a great mother, doing a great job with our girls, but then he'll say the trouble we're having with some normal kid behaviors is my fault. He jumps all over me if I set something on the kitchen counter or table. He criticizes my family, directly to them!! Yet he's not speaking to his family & hasn't for years. He has 1 friend and criticizes the time I spend with, or talking to, my girlfriends.
I know he feels tortured by my silence. I have told him much of how I'm feeling before and he feels dumped on and takes it all so deep & personally that he turns my words into so much more. At one time I told him I was disappointed in a decision he made. It was a decision not to go to a funeral service that I felt was important. He turned that into that I am disappointed in him, as a man, husband and father. I can't tell him one simple specific thing because he turns it into a universal attack on him.
How do you know when you're done? How do you know when to keep working and trying harder? When is enough, enough?
Posted via Mobile Device
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