Hi guys I feel so bad and really feel like killing myself/wishing I'd never been born. Basically I'm a guy and my best friend is straight but I've had a crush on him for like the last 5 years. He's the best best friend anyone can ever ask for and i really love him so much. He knows I'm gay and he may know (he guessed) that I had a crush on him but I can't say for sure since I never told him. Anyway he's always been supportive of me and my being gay and been super friendly to me.
I spoke to him on Skype today and he told me that he'd gone on some dates with a girl. I know I should be happy for him but I feel so sad and upset and just felt sick to my stomach like I was gonna throw up. I managed to not show my state of mind during the session (I think) so I don't think he realised too much but I did ask him how it went and where he met her and so on, and one thing that really killed me was that he jokingly said "haha, you had your chance" (to date him) and I laughed but I was crying inside because he doesn't know how much I wish that were true. Obviously he's not gay and he was just kidding but saying things like that are so upsetting :( :( :( :(
Anyway I really don't know what to do. He's a great guy and deserves all the happiness in the world. But I just so wish it was with me. I don't want to lose him or his friendship or his time. The dilemma I have is this: right now we're planning on going on holiday in a few weeks' time, but now I don't know whether I want to do that because if he gets into a relationship I'll feel like crap and I'm afraid that I'll show my bitterness in front of him. But the VERY WORST THING in the world is this: that this will be our last holiday together :(
because he'd rather go with his soon-to-be girlfriend and I really can't cop e with that. All the good times we've had, knwoing that we won't ever do that again is unbearable and makes me just want to curl up and die.
The way I see it, i have these options:
1) Tell him how I feel and see whether we still want to go on holiday
2) Pretend I don't have any problems and go through with the holiday
3) Cut of all contact
4) Hope and pray that he's just saying he had a date to make me jealous
My thoughts on these options
1) Seems the most likely since I can't keep up the act much longer, and it'd allow me to get some closure. I'm fairly sure he would be fine with me telling him my feelings (because he's so nice) but who knows what effect it has on my friend. If he does disown me (so to speak), at least it'll help me get over him.
2) Painful and I don't think I can do it.
3) Really mean of me to do this and I won't. Like I said he's my best friend ever and well I can't do it.
4) The best option but I don't think it's true unfortunately
Anyway sorry for the long post but I really had it get it off my chest and write it down. I just really don't want him to be taken away from me as a best friend. I know it's natural for him to do what he's doing but I can't help feeling rotten about this.
I spoke to him on Skype today and he told me that he'd gone on some dates with a girl. I know I should be happy for him but I feel so sad and upset and just felt sick to my stomach like I was gonna throw up. I managed to not show my state of mind during the session (I think) so I don't think he realised too much but I did ask him how it went and where he met her and so on, and one thing that really killed me was that he jokingly said "haha, you had your chance" (to date him) and I laughed but I was crying inside because he doesn't know how much I wish that were true. Obviously he's not gay and he was just kidding but saying things like that are so upsetting :( :( :( :(
Anyway I really don't know what to do. He's a great guy and deserves all the happiness in the world. But I just so wish it was with me. I don't want to lose him or his friendship or his time. The dilemma I have is this: right now we're planning on going on holiday in a few weeks' time, but now I don't know whether I want to do that because if he gets into a relationship I'll feel like crap and I'm afraid that I'll show my bitterness in front of him. But the VERY WORST THING in the world is this: that this will be our last holiday together :(
because he'd rather go with his soon-to-be girlfriend and I really can't cop e with that. All the good times we've had, knwoing that we won't ever do that again is unbearable and makes me just want to curl up and die. The way I see it, i have these options:
1) Tell him how I feel and see whether we still want to go on holiday
2) Pretend I don't have any problems and go through with the holiday
3) Cut of all contact
4) Hope and pray that he's just saying he had a date to make me jealous
My thoughts on these options
1) Seems the most likely since I can't keep up the act much longer, and it'd allow me to get some closure. I'm fairly sure he would be fine with me telling him my feelings (because he's so nice) but who knows what effect it has on my friend. If he does disown me (so to speak), at least it'll help me get over him.
2) Painful and I don't think I can do it.
3) Really mean of me to do this and I won't. Like I said he's my best friend ever and well I can't do it.
4) The best option but I don't think it's true unfortunately
Anyway sorry for the long post but I really had it get it off my chest and write it down. I just really don't want him to be taken away from me as a best friend. I know it's natural for him to do what he's doing but I can't help feeling rotten about this.
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