Hi Folks -
Until recently in my marriage (18+ years) my wife and I used a joint checking account. My wife was stay at home, all my income was direct deposited to the joint account. I had some credit cards, she had some credit cards. But I managed them - paid each month online out of our joint account, monitored for fraud, etc. She was always free to use the cards and I didn't much care as she is reasonably frugal (sometimes I'd ask what a particular charge was if it wasn't obvious to see if it was legit.)
About 16 months ago she re-entered the workplace. She direct deposited her paychecks into the joint account. Or so I thought!
One day I found a large credit on one of the credit card statements. When I called they said the wife had paid. I asked her what was up and it turned out she had opened her own checking account. She had been splitting 80-20% her pay.
We are now seeing a marriage councilor to work through some issues - including my new lack of trust in her. She also had set up the account to an eye on leaving me. So we are working on the issues that drove her to that also.
So... now the question. as part of counseling it turns out she considered me controlling. So we are starting to split out our finances as a sign that I am not (or have changed, depends on your POV ;) )
I am struggling with how to do this and also with her new desire for 'privacy'. (One last context data: I make about 4x her salary.)
The equitable plan:
-- make my own private checking account where my paycheck goes
-- have her deposit 100% to her checking account
-- she pays HER credit cards, car payment
-- I pay my CC and car payment
-- we budget food, kids expenses, mortgage, utils, etc - in short all common expences
-- I'll pay in a proportion of my salary to that and so will she (4:1 ratio)
Problems:
-- her salary won't even pay her CC and car payment, let alone anything to the common expenses. This means I'll be paying her CC and car as well as common expenses (100%), and she won't have her precious 'extra' she wants to feel free.
-- travel and miscellaneous we'll need to now argue about.
This doesn't seem fair or workable and isn't going to make her feel less controlled.
To me it seems just like the old system before she worked - I make all the money and pay all the bills. Except now she has credit cards and a checking account that I don't have visibility too!
Suggestions on alternative plans?
Until recently in my marriage (18+ years) my wife and I used a joint checking account. My wife was stay at home, all my income was direct deposited to the joint account. I had some credit cards, she had some credit cards. But I managed them - paid each month online out of our joint account, monitored for fraud, etc. She was always free to use the cards and I didn't much care as she is reasonably frugal (sometimes I'd ask what a particular charge was if it wasn't obvious to see if it was legit.)
About 16 months ago she re-entered the workplace. She direct deposited her paychecks into the joint account. Or so I thought!
One day I found a large credit on one of the credit card statements. When I called they said the wife had paid. I asked her what was up and it turned out she had opened her own checking account. She had been splitting 80-20% her pay.
We are now seeing a marriage councilor to work through some issues - including my new lack of trust in her. She also had set up the account to an eye on leaving me. So we are working on the issues that drove her to that also.
So... now the question. as part of counseling it turns out she considered me controlling. So we are starting to split out our finances as a sign that I am not (or have changed, depends on your POV ;) )
I am struggling with how to do this and also with her new desire for 'privacy'. (One last context data: I make about 4x her salary.)
The equitable plan:
-- make my own private checking account where my paycheck goes
-- have her deposit 100% to her checking account
-- she pays HER credit cards, car payment
-- I pay my CC and car payment
-- we budget food, kids expenses, mortgage, utils, etc - in short all common expences
-- I'll pay in a proportion of my salary to that and so will she (4:1 ratio)
Problems:
-- her salary won't even pay her CC and car payment, let alone anything to the common expenses. This means I'll be paying her CC and car as well as common expenses (100%), and she won't have her precious 'extra' she wants to feel free.
-- travel and miscellaneous we'll need to now argue about.
This doesn't seem fair or workable and isn't going to make her feel less controlled.
To me it seems just like the old system before she worked - I make all the money and pay all the bills. Except now she has credit cards and a checking account that I don't have visibility too!
Suggestions on alternative plans?
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