Soooo it's been prob a year or more since I left here. I was still pretty messed up when I did leave.
I believed I was on the right path, but I was only fooling myself.
I went on some other site in hopes of working through everything only to be banned because they felt I was in a hopeless situation.
That crushed me. On top of that, my h was looking into the swinging lifestyle and I started doing disgusting things online. At first it felt really good, lots of positive attention, I finally felt desired ( something I was longing for so desperately in my marriage).
Then in my awkward need to discuss things I ventured out into some other forums. These places did not tolerate my "poor me syndrome" and "LOOK AT ME" complex I was having.
It was just what I needed to snap out of the hole I was in. I realized that talking about the same issues over and over again was not helping me. That these men who "desired" me could really care less about who I was. I was disgusted with myself.
I learned that I needed to start respecting myself. And so I went to a support group for women involved in domestic violence.
There I learned that it is my fault for being in the situation that I'm in. I let him have control over me. I had no boundaries. And he learned that he could do whatever the hell he wanted to without consequence.
So, I made a list of boundaries. I sent it to him. I told him I would leave him if he cannot respect them.
He was shocked of course. All these years of me just agreeing to whatever he said in order to "keep" him had finally stopped.
I think the biggest accomplishment I've had along with the self respect is the loss of my dependency upon him to feel happy about myself.
I started exercising, just finished my first 10k last weekend! I set goals for myself and repeat the phrases "I am beautiful, I am confident, I am strong" everyday in my mind.
The mind is very powerful and if it hears these phrases enough it will replace the ones I have heard before.
So, that's where I'm at. How is my marriage now? Better than ever before, but still broken.
With the history we have it'll be hard for me to ever view it as a healthy marriage. However, if the positives keep repeating themselves perhaps I will one day have that thought replaced too.
I believed I was on the right path, but I was only fooling myself.
I went on some other site in hopes of working through everything only to be banned because they felt I was in a hopeless situation.
That crushed me. On top of that, my h was looking into the swinging lifestyle and I started doing disgusting things online. At first it felt really good, lots of positive attention, I finally felt desired ( something I was longing for so desperately in my marriage).
Then in my awkward need to discuss things I ventured out into some other forums. These places did not tolerate my "poor me syndrome" and "LOOK AT ME" complex I was having.
It was just what I needed to snap out of the hole I was in. I realized that talking about the same issues over and over again was not helping me. That these men who "desired" me could really care less about who I was. I was disgusted with myself.
I learned that I needed to start respecting myself. And so I went to a support group for women involved in domestic violence.
There I learned that it is my fault for being in the situation that I'm in. I let him have control over me. I had no boundaries. And he learned that he could do whatever the hell he wanted to without consequence.
So, I made a list of boundaries. I sent it to him. I told him I would leave him if he cannot respect them.
He was shocked of course. All these years of me just agreeing to whatever he said in order to "keep" him had finally stopped.
I think the biggest accomplishment I've had along with the self respect is the loss of my dependency upon him to feel happy about myself.
I started exercising, just finished my first 10k last weekend! I set goals for myself and repeat the phrases "I am beautiful, I am confident, I am strong" everyday in my mind.
The mind is very powerful and if it hears these phrases enough it will replace the ones I have heard before.
So, that's where I'm at. How is my marriage now? Better than ever before, but still broken.
With the history we have it'll be hard for me to ever view it as a healthy marriage. However, if the positives keep repeating themselves perhaps I will one day have that thought replaced too.
Put the internet to work for you.
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