Hi Everyone!
I just joined today. I *really* need advice about my marriage.
I am 42 and my H is 43. We actually lived together for 5 years btw 1995-2000. We had begun to argue about where our relationship was going because he didn't want to get married and I was ready to get married and start a family. When I caught him cheating on me, I left him.
I had only ever had 1 serious boyfriend before I met my H, so when I left him back in 2000 and began dating again, those were some of the best days of my life. I had several serious relationships and focused on my career. Truth be told, I became a workaholic and (in retrospect) my career was detrimental to my relationships at that time.
In 2010, out of the blue, I got a call from him (my current Husband who I will refer to from now on as"Karl"). He told me that his girlfriend of 9 years had died a couple of months before from a heart attack and that it had made him realize how badly he had treated me and want to apologize. At first I felt uncertain but eventually I agreed to meet him for dinner. Over the course of the next few months, we developed what I thought was a wonderful relationship. I had recently been diagnoised with Degenerative Joint Disease, but having been a workaholic for so many years I had my finances in order (house paid for, car paid for, pleanty of money in the bank) and because of this I had gone back to school so I could work in a field that didn't require me being on my feet all the time. He said that money wasn't an object and that he didn't want me to work anyway. It didn't take long before he asked me to marry him, and (against the advice of my friends and family) I agreed.
What has happened since is so humiliating that I cannot bring myself to tell anyone, not even my mother or sister. On the outside we have the type of life that most people dream about, but on the inside I feel like I am dying a slow death.
Three months after we got married something happened that lead me to believe that he wasn't being totally honest with me about his past. His parents came to visit. Karl had told me that his girlfriend who died had been the best influence on his life and had, ultimately, been the reason for him re-evaluating our relationship and his cheating...but his mother painted a VERY different picture. She told me that Jenny (the dead girlfriend) had been a serious drug addict that cheated on Karl numerous times, stole from him numerous times(!), and died from a drug overdose!!! Well, naturally I was frantic! So, rather than risk Karl lying to me about it, I called the coroner's office and after telling her who I was she asked me to come into her office and talk to her....which is how I found out my husband was under investigation for her murder (bc she overdosed on HIS medication; he was later cleared) AND that Jenny was HIV+ at the time of her death!!!
When I got back home, I waited for my husband to get off work and I was rolling in emotion. I took a Valium and had a glass of wine, but when he got home and ADMITTED to me that yes he IS HIV+ and (according to him) had been "working on a way to tell me"(!) I completely lost control and slapped him several times.
The next couple of weeks were some of the lowest in my life. I had to go and get tested to see if he and infected me (which I have NEVER had any kind of STD; thankfully I am negetive!) and at that time my car was in the shop and I had no way to leave him, but I told him that I wanted our marriage annulled. I felt so ashamed! I couldn't bring myself to tell my family or any of my friends, so I moved into our spare bedroom. During all of this, my husband was beside himself, doing anything and everything to keep me from leaving him. He *begged* me to go see a marriage counselor with him, and I (in an effort to bide my time so I could save money to leave) agreed.
For the next year or so, everything he did, he did to please me. On Vaentine's Day, he suprised me with a candy apple red 1992 Jaguar XJS "just becaus". On my birthday, he gave me a matched set of blue diamond earrings, ring, and necklace. He was loving and kind and oh SO SO SORRY....
....Until he wasn't sorry anymore. He doesn't give me the time of day now. If I say the sky is blue he will literally argue that it is actually a grey and I just don't understand color. He explodes at me over the simplest things, last night we ran out of steak sauce and when I told him he screamed, "Fxxx You! You are Worthless! Why don't you get a job? You are a Violent Alcoholic! You Fxxxing Cxxt!".
To clarify, when he calls me an alcoholic, he is referring to the day I slapped him. I *very* rarely drink because of the medication I take for my joint problems. I have had 3 glasses of wine in the last 6 months! I really believe that he calls me that ("Violent Alcoholic") because he knows that he is the one in the wrong and my slapping him that time is the only thing he can think of that I have done to "wrong" him.
The counseler we have been seeing has straight-up told me that my husband has anger problems and an inability to empathize. He said that, though he couldn't be certain without personality tests, he believes my husband suffers from "Narsacistic Personality Disorder". I looked it up, and it does seem to fit him pretty well.
I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to tell my family what all has happend. My Daddy would drive all the way up here and try to kill him or something. But what do I do???
Thank you for reading throught my novella of a post,
Evie
I just joined today. I *really* need advice about my marriage.
I am 42 and my H is 43. We actually lived together for 5 years btw 1995-2000. We had begun to argue about where our relationship was going because he didn't want to get married and I was ready to get married and start a family. When I caught him cheating on me, I left him.
I had only ever had 1 serious boyfriend before I met my H, so when I left him back in 2000 and began dating again, those were some of the best days of my life. I had several serious relationships and focused on my career. Truth be told, I became a workaholic and (in retrospect) my career was detrimental to my relationships at that time.
In 2010, out of the blue, I got a call from him (my current Husband who I will refer to from now on as"Karl"). He told me that his girlfriend of 9 years had died a couple of months before from a heart attack and that it had made him realize how badly he had treated me and want to apologize. At first I felt uncertain but eventually I agreed to meet him for dinner. Over the course of the next few months, we developed what I thought was a wonderful relationship. I had recently been diagnoised with Degenerative Joint Disease, but having been a workaholic for so many years I had my finances in order (house paid for, car paid for, pleanty of money in the bank) and because of this I had gone back to school so I could work in a field that didn't require me being on my feet all the time. He said that money wasn't an object and that he didn't want me to work anyway. It didn't take long before he asked me to marry him, and (against the advice of my friends and family) I agreed.
What has happened since is so humiliating that I cannot bring myself to tell anyone, not even my mother or sister. On the outside we have the type of life that most people dream about, but on the inside I feel like I am dying a slow death.
Three months after we got married something happened that lead me to believe that he wasn't being totally honest with me about his past. His parents came to visit. Karl had told me that his girlfriend who died had been the best influence on his life and had, ultimately, been the reason for him re-evaluating our relationship and his cheating...but his mother painted a VERY different picture. She told me that Jenny (the dead girlfriend) had been a serious drug addict that cheated on Karl numerous times, stole from him numerous times(!), and died from a drug overdose!!! Well, naturally I was frantic! So, rather than risk Karl lying to me about it, I called the coroner's office and after telling her who I was she asked me to come into her office and talk to her....which is how I found out my husband was under investigation for her murder (bc she overdosed on HIS medication; he was later cleared) AND that Jenny was HIV+ at the time of her death!!!
When I got back home, I waited for my husband to get off work and I was rolling in emotion. I took a Valium and had a glass of wine, but when he got home and ADMITTED to me that yes he IS HIV+ and (according to him) had been "working on a way to tell me"(!) I completely lost control and slapped him several times.
The next couple of weeks were some of the lowest in my life. I had to go and get tested to see if he and infected me (which I have NEVER had any kind of STD; thankfully I am negetive!) and at that time my car was in the shop and I had no way to leave him, but I told him that I wanted our marriage annulled. I felt so ashamed! I couldn't bring myself to tell my family or any of my friends, so I moved into our spare bedroom. During all of this, my husband was beside himself, doing anything and everything to keep me from leaving him. He *begged* me to go see a marriage counselor with him, and I (in an effort to bide my time so I could save money to leave) agreed.
For the next year or so, everything he did, he did to please me. On Vaentine's Day, he suprised me with a candy apple red 1992 Jaguar XJS "just becaus". On my birthday, he gave me a matched set of blue diamond earrings, ring, and necklace. He was loving and kind and oh SO SO SORRY....
....Until he wasn't sorry anymore. He doesn't give me the time of day now. If I say the sky is blue he will literally argue that it is actually a grey and I just don't understand color. He explodes at me over the simplest things, last night we ran out of steak sauce and when I told him he screamed, "Fxxx You! You are Worthless! Why don't you get a job? You are a Violent Alcoholic! You Fxxxing Cxxt!".
To clarify, when he calls me an alcoholic, he is referring to the day I slapped him. I *very* rarely drink because of the medication I take for my joint problems. I have had 3 glasses of wine in the last 6 months! I really believe that he calls me that ("Violent Alcoholic") because he knows that he is the one in the wrong and my slapping him that time is the only thing he can think of that I have done to "wrong" him.
The counseler we have been seeing has straight-up told me that my husband has anger problems and an inability to empathize. He said that, though he couldn't be certain without personality tests, he believes my husband suffers from "Narsacistic Personality Disorder". I looked it up, and it does seem to fit him pretty well.
I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to tell my family what all has happend. My Daddy would drive all the way up here and try to kill him or something. But what do I do???
Thank you for reading throught my novella of a post,
Evie
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