I have popped in here periodically over the past few years...I always read take advice and try to apply what I have gleaned from hours of reading. I turned 50 in June, I lost 43 lbs. over the last 3 years and I came off a massive dose of prescription narcotics. I knew when I got together with my H 20 years ago that he was selfish although I had no idea how selfish. Through the years I had convinced myself that I could deal with his little hissy fits when he didn't get what he wanted...and I did that for the better part of 14 years...but when I wrote him a huge letter explaining how his rejection of me sexually affects/affected me, I was not prepared for the immediate about face in his behaviour. His behaviour changed to the point where he has become irritating...making jokes and sexual comments to me in front of my children, constantly making sexual innuendo...the only thing he read in the whole letter was that I wanted to have sex . I have heard all mann er of excuse as to why I spent years begging for sex and sleeping on the couch. What I have come to realize is that if it wasn't about what he wanted, it didn't matter. Instead of getting fixed because he was "so scared of getting pregnant again" he chose to just say "not really" whenever I asked for sex. Now that he thinks I may leave, his desperation just makes me angry...he has crapped on me for years for stupid things and I adapted and rolled with it to keep my family together. My kids are older and they don't need me as much, as it should be, but after twenty years of trying to make someone else happy, I realize I myself am not happy and I don't make him happy. For a couple of months, I thought things were getting better...he was paying more attention to me sex was ok, but his selfishness kept creeping up. He complained that I wasn't initiating enough...so for his birthday I waited for him to come home, on the bed in a sexy little number...but he had a bit of bad new s that day and just couldn't bring himself to **** me on his birthday...I told him shortly there after that I didn't think I would be initiating sex much anymore...after years of trying and then being turned down yet again...no thank you...then there is the emotional abuse...threatening to leave, getting pissy at me about stupid things...I truly thought I could deal with his anger for,the rest of my life...I was wrong...and of course, I am not feeling very attracted to him based on the way he has recently treated me. I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him as I wasn't prepared to leave myself open to be hurt yet again...I am in self protective mode...now he wants sex all the time and how dare I not accommodate him, and he just doesn't think he can accept living in a sexless marriage. I told him he didn't get to tell me to pack my stuff and get out without consequences and while I'm not withholding sex to be vindictive, at least I was telling him why I don't want to have sex with him not just because I have a "headache". I am so confused...I don't know how much I have left...until I told him if things didn't change I would leave, he continued with his selfish behaviour and expectations... I tried a kinder gentler approach but ultimately I had to lambaste him...he's looking for the one sure thing that's going to make this better and all he can see is that this could take years and the outcome doesn't look good...so I say ok and off he goes in the opposite direction....I have repeatedly explained why he is selfish only to have it turned back to me and how I just don't care...I feel broken...I have been explaining for weeks how he is being selfish and hurtful...he apologized and asked for some time...in the meantime, every time he gets angry with me for whatever reason, he pushes me one step closer to the door. For the first time, his weight bothers me...maybe it's more that he just comes up with excuse after excuse as to why he can't exercise...and I've asked him repeatedly to come swimming/gym with me over the last 3 yrs...now I don't ask and I really am no longer prepared to adapt my routine to accommodate him...he has admitted that he probably wanted to leave years ago but didn't want to look like the bad guy who left his sick wife (back surgery) and sick kid (manageable autoimmune disease)....funny this is when he was refusing to love me even though I continually reached out to him...resentment...I would think so...my biggest fear is taking whatever amount of time to work on this to have it start all over again....I continue to move forward in my life...exercise everyday to my ability, eat well, and I try to get out and socialize with other people for a couple of hours a week...I do things I enjoy doing, but I catch myself allowing my h to dictate what I do...so I work on that as well. At this point, I don't get that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about him anymore...I just don't know if I can get my head around being rejected for so long, and now making myself not available and feeling guilty about not being attracted to him and him always wanting sex is very confusing...and so once again I consult the good folks at TAM.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment