Hi all
I recently posted a thread about my fiance's sudden increased intake of alcohol in the absence of pot and my concerns about it, but new information has come to light which I feel requires a new thread. Here's what happened. After he recently tried to deceive me about smoking MJ, I tried a different tactic.
I painted the picture to him of walking down the aisle, and that a girl thinks she has an idea of who she is marrying (we are supposed to marry end of Feb). I put it to him that if there was anything in his life that I didn't know about, that I wouldn't be angry, but it was better to have it out in the open.
He admitted to using speed. He said that he had been keeping the CC statements from me because he had been making cash withdrawals from his CC rather than the regular bank account, because he knew I would see it on the regular account, because I have access to this. I knew that he used to use it as a party drug, and I told him when we got together that it was a deal-breaker. He swore off the stuff, at the same time as quitting smoking (struggling with that, but is trying).
It turns out that for the last 10 months (so he says), he has been getting speed from a guy at work. He used to use with his best friend, but his best friend has moved to, I think, crystalmeth, and my fiance says he won't use that, he wants the 'old' style speed - whatever that means. He says that a guy at work happened to mention that he had access to the 'old' stuff, and that's when my fiance succumbed. It was easy for him to do this and me not notice anything - we are apart during the week while he works.
When he first confessed it to me, he said he was using it every few weeks. I asked him straight out, once a week, once a month? He said "once a month."
Believe it or not I was actually relieved to hear all this, because I knew he had been hiding his CC statements from me, yet because it was his CC that he he got before he met me, in some ways I felt like it was none of his business.
But then one day a few months back something in the cash flow wasn't working, he happened to have just opened his CC statement and I took it out of his hand to cross-check, and he tried to grab it back from me. That's when I knew something was really up.
So one day I went to where he files the CCs and pulled them all out, and I found all these largish cash advances listed, always for the same amounts and almost always at the same ATMs. Some of them I knew what they were for and could account for them, but the rest, I knew something was up, but I also doubted myself. I never brought it up with him, though I kept intending to. So now he admitted it outright, I felt relief that something that had been bothering me had been 'explained.'
I was shocked to find out that he wasn't doing it recreationally but was using at work; he is in an industry where D&A are a real problem. He is also a supervisor and is responsible for the safety of men, and I always thought he took this seriously. He loves his job and is very trusted and well thought of by his employers, so when he said he had been using before he went to work for the day and not at the end of the day like I imagined, I was really shocked.
I wrote him a long email on the ramifications of what could happen if he got caught. He said to me he was relieved to have it out in the open and from now on I had permission to open all statements and mail addressed to him because he wanted transparency (I am aware that if he wants to, he could go and get another CC on the sly). He says he does not feel judged by be. I asked him was it becoming a problem and he said, "possibly" (he likes to think that unlike his friends, he is immune from addiction and can 'control' drugs; and in some ways I have seen this to be true). I asked him did he want to continue to take it, and he said "no", he wanted to look after his health.
I believe that he is being honest with me, at least to some degree, partly because of my approach, which he later complimented me on, saying I had a real skill in helping people open up in the face of unplesantness, he kept thanking me, and that he was relieved - he's said this many times since the conversation is opened up.
Anyway I now feel quite free to look at the statements and it seems that there were more cash withdrawals than "once a month".
So I did a little more digging. Because I have access to his bank account online, I decided to look at bank statements transactions going back prior, as far back as 7 years, when he didn't have anything to hide from me because I wasn't in the picture. What I find is for the last 7 years, similar amounts withdrawn, almost always 2-3 days apart, and at the same ATMs, mostly near his best friend's. (Who does MJ and speed). I know that until October 2014, and prior to meeting me, he did a lot of MJ, but I don't know the price of drugs, so it's hard to know how much it's going on. Also some of those cash withdrawals will have been daily living money and to pay bills - he doesn't like to do things online and prefers to pay bills by cash, so some of those withdrawals will be explained by that.
Anyway,
Last night I asked him that apart from speed and MJ, were there any other drugs or behaviours, such as gambling or porn or escorts? He said, "No, two drugs are enough!" and I could kind of hear a sense of 'overwhelm' and fatigue in his voice when he said that. This doesn't mean to say he is telling the truth, though. So I got back onto the topic of speed, and I said, gently, so how long has this been going on...years? (remember I accessed the statements). He said no, and then named the last 10 months when that guy from work came up with the 'preferred' stuff. I asked him did he think he would benefit from an addiction program but he said he didn't know - my timing was off for that question, too, as he was very tired, and I think the whole concept of being 'addicted' is a bit new to him and might only be starting to sink in.
So my question is this: do I bring up the fact that I accessed the other bank statements prior to his getting with me and that I see the same pattern of cash withdrawals as was on his CC? On the one hand, I have permission and access to his account online, on the other, he doesn't do any online banking so I doubt he would know that all his previous statements are available for me to look at freely. On the one hand I feel that those statements were "pre" me and not my business; on the other hand, there's been lying and deception and I think I read on the board here once someone say that once lying and deception come into it, you lose your right to privacy. I suppose I feel that way about it. I think what I want is to know the degree of drug issues, here.
Now, before you all go and tell me that this is a bad situation that will end in no good and to pack up and leave this guy, it's a bit more complicated than that. I am financially dependant on him at the moment. Despite the drugs, he has been able to support us (but slowly racking up the CC) as he is on a good wage and he gives me extra money when he can and the bills are paid (no kids, TG). I am living in a rural town and although I am looking, I am having trouble finding work. I also have a medical condition that is complicating my ability to work full time and support myself. I do not have family or friends I can go to, so before anyone says, "leave this jerk", I don't have the way or the means at this time.
What I am asking is, he confessed up front without me asking specifically whether he was taking drugs, but to a general question. He could have continued to hide it, esp. as I had no evidence at all, but I cast it in the light of being real and authentic and to risk being that with me. He seems relieved and grateful, though I am aware this doesn't necessarily mean anything long term. Once he read the email about what he stands to lose, he said I was right, and he didn't realise the penalties were so great (esp. getting caught whilst driving) and that he would stop taking it, and that he wanted to stop anyway for his health. He is 52. He has not ever exhibited to me as far as I can tell the signs of a speed addict, such as weight loss, staying awake etc. though I may be 'missing out' from the 'crash' because he is away from home at the time. He says that he has not taken it when at home, here away from the city, only MJ and booze at home. I believe him.
I no longer trust the guy because there's been lies and deliberate attempts to deceive,and so that doesn't augur well for the long term, I'm aware of that, but I think I at least want to give the guy one chance to come completely clean and if there is a problem, deal with it. All up, he's mostly very good and sweet to me when he's with me.
So, do I ask him about the statements the preceed me, or do I just deal with the CC withdrawals from the last 10 months?
thanks for any input
Miss Metta
I recently posted a thread about my fiance's sudden increased intake of alcohol in the absence of pot and my concerns about it, but new information has come to light which I feel requires a new thread. Here's what happened. After he recently tried to deceive me about smoking MJ, I tried a different tactic.
I painted the picture to him of walking down the aisle, and that a girl thinks she has an idea of who she is marrying (we are supposed to marry end of Feb). I put it to him that if there was anything in his life that I didn't know about, that I wouldn't be angry, but it was better to have it out in the open.
He admitted to using speed. He said that he had been keeping the CC statements from me because he had been making cash withdrawals from his CC rather than the regular bank account, because he knew I would see it on the regular account, because I have access to this. I knew that he used to use it as a party drug, and I told him when we got together that it was a deal-breaker. He swore off the stuff, at the same time as quitting smoking (struggling with that, but is trying).
It turns out that for the last 10 months (so he says), he has been getting speed from a guy at work. He used to use with his best friend, but his best friend has moved to, I think, crystalmeth, and my fiance says he won't use that, he wants the 'old' style speed - whatever that means. He says that a guy at work happened to mention that he had access to the 'old' stuff, and that's when my fiance succumbed. It was easy for him to do this and me not notice anything - we are apart during the week while he works.
When he first confessed it to me, he said he was using it every few weeks. I asked him straight out, once a week, once a month? He said "once a month."
Believe it or not I was actually relieved to hear all this, because I knew he had been hiding his CC statements from me, yet because it was his CC that he he got before he met me, in some ways I felt like it was none of his business.
But then one day a few months back something in the cash flow wasn't working, he happened to have just opened his CC statement and I took it out of his hand to cross-check, and he tried to grab it back from me. That's when I knew something was really up.
So one day I went to where he files the CCs and pulled them all out, and I found all these largish cash advances listed, always for the same amounts and almost always at the same ATMs. Some of them I knew what they were for and could account for them, but the rest, I knew something was up, but I also doubted myself. I never brought it up with him, though I kept intending to. So now he admitted it outright, I felt relief that something that had been bothering me had been 'explained.'
I was shocked to find out that he wasn't doing it recreationally but was using at work; he is in an industry where D&A are a real problem. He is also a supervisor and is responsible for the safety of men, and I always thought he took this seriously. He loves his job and is very trusted and well thought of by his employers, so when he said he had been using before he went to work for the day and not at the end of the day like I imagined, I was really shocked.
I wrote him a long email on the ramifications of what could happen if he got caught. He said to me he was relieved to have it out in the open and from now on I had permission to open all statements and mail addressed to him because he wanted transparency (I am aware that if he wants to, he could go and get another CC on the sly). He says he does not feel judged by be. I asked him was it becoming a problem and he said, "possibly" (he likes to think that unlike his friends, he is immune from addiction and can 'control' drugs; and in some ways I have seen this to be true). I asked him did he want to continue to take it, and he said "no", he wanted to look after his health.
I believe that he is being honest with me, at least to some degree, partly because of my approach, which he later complimented me on, saying I had a real skill in helping people open up in the face of unplesantness, he kept thanking me, and that he was relieved - he's said this many times since the conversation is opened up.
Anyway I now feel quite free to look at the statements and it seems that there were more cash withdrawals than "once a month".
So I did a little more digging. Because I have access to his bank account online, I decided to look at bank statements transactions going back prior, as far back as 7 years, when he didn't have anything to hide from me because I wasn't in the picture. What I find is for the last 7 years, similar amounts withdrawn, almost always 2-3 days apart, and at the same ATMs, mostly near his best friend's. (Who does MJ and speed). I know that until October 2014, and prior to meeting me, he did a lot of MJ, but I don't know the price of drugs, so it's hard to know how much it's going on. Also some of those cash withdrawals will have been daily living money and to pay bills - he doesn't like to do things online and prefers to pay bills by cash, so some of those withdrawals will be explained by that.
Anyway,
Last night I asked him that apart from speed and MJ, were there any other drugs or behaviours, such as gambling or porn or escorts? He said, "No, two drugs are enough!" and I could kind of hear a sense of 'overwhelm' and fatigue in his voice when he said that. This doesn't mean to say he is telling the truth, though. So I got back onto the topic of speed, and I said, gently, so how long has this been going on...years? (remember I accessed the statements). He said no, and then named the last 10 months when that guy from work came up with the 'preferred' stuff. I asked him did he think he would benefit from an addiction program but he said he didn't know - my timing was off for that question, too, as he was very tired, and I think the whole concept of being 'addicted' is a bit new to him and might only be starting to sink in.
So my question is this: do I bring up the fact that I accessed the other bank statements prior to his getting with me and that I see the same pattern of cash withdrawals as was on his CC? On the one hand, I have permission and access to his account online, on the other, he doesn't do any online banking so I doubt he would know that all his previous statements are available for me to look at freely. On the one hand I feel that those statements were "pre" me and not my business; on the other hand, there's been lying and deception and I think I read on the board here once someone say that once lying and deception come into it, you lose your right to privacy. I suppose I feel that way about it. I think what I want is to know the degree of drug issues, here.
Now, before you all go and tell me that this is a bad situation that will end in no good and to pack up and leave this guy, it's a bit more complicated than that. I am financially dependant on him at the moment. Despite the drugs, he has been able to support us (but slowly racking up the CC) as he is on a good wage and he gives me extra money when he can and the bills are paid (no kids, TG). I am living in a rural town and although I am looking, I am having trouble finding work. I also have a medical condition that is complicating my ability to work full time and support myself. I do not have family or friends I can go to, so before anyone says, "leave this jerk", I don't have the way or the means at this time.
What I am asking is, he confessed up front without me asking specifically whether he was taking drugs, but to a general question. He could have continued to hide it, esp. as I had no evidence at all, but I cast it in the light of being real and authentic and to risk being that with me. He seems relieved and grateful, though I am aware this doesn't necessarily mean anything long term. Once he read the email about what he stands to lose, he said I was right, and he didn't realise the penalties were so great (esp. getting caught whilst driving) and that he would stop taking it, and that he wanted to stop anyway for his health. He is 52. He has not ever exhibited to me as far as I can tell the signs of a speed addict, such as weight loss, staying awake etc. though I may be 'missing out' from the 'crash' because he is away from home at the time. He says that he has not taken it when at home, here away from the city, only MJ and booze at home. I believe him.
I no longer trust the guy because there's been lies and deliberate attempts to deceive,and so that doesn't augur well for the long term, I'm aware of that, but I think I at least want to give the guy one chance to come completely clean and if there is a problem, deal with it. All up, he's mostly very good and sweet to me when he's with me.
So, do I ask him about the statements the preceed me, or do I just deal with the CC withdrawals from the last 10 months?
thanks for any input
Miss Metta
Put the internet to work for you.
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