i have been with my wife for now 12 years -10 of which in the marriage- and I am at my wits' end.
Our sex life started out relatively well for 1-2 months after meeting and it went downhill from there. Let's say that for the last 10+ years we had sex maybe once/twice a month (if that..) and sometimes we had dry months altogether. I can already hear some of you thinking: don't complain, some people have it worse….
Let me tell you more:
After the initial dating period I thought : I know sex is not great but I like and love her for other things: she has other qualities and values similar to mine and I stuck with her even though I had "to take care of myself" sexually even back then. Things only got worse from there: for the last 11 years the rare times we had sex has been only for quickies. Always in one- the same- position, even same same leg position etc.. She has refused any other positions for various reason: it hurts, can't stretch, I'm uncomfortable, you're just using me, there's no connection, i'm not a doll etc. etc.
No foreplay of any kind, EVER: she refuses to touch me and has not done so for 10+ years. Also she doesn't want me to touch her as well because she is convinced that any intimate contact with my hands will give her a UTI or some infection. She has NEVER given me any oral and refused for me to go there . The excuse is again because of fear of infection or other reasons. The rare times we have sex - and I have to beg for weeks at the times for it - it is for a handful of minutes, if she has an orgasm she doesn't say anything or make any sound , then I am pressed by her to be quick and get it over with. No talking (or dirty-talking), words or anything during the act otherwise she starts to complain that I'm "worse than a woman". Afterwards she runs immediately to shower for fear of getting a UTI, the doctor- she says- told her to do so. ALso sex can only take place when she's dirty and therefore planned when in need of a shower, not when she's clean...
Now, it would be easy to say that this situation was created when we had kids-6 and 3 years ago - and blame it all on hormones/birth/childcare/ etc.. but reality is I could have written this same exact post BEFORE our children were born. A few times I experimented waiting the 2 to 4 weeks that it takes her to build some sexual desire and coordinate a schedule for the kids to be with grandparents on a Saturday night and for us to be able to have a sort of date: dinner/movie and an empty house to do whatever we wanted: NOTHING CHANGED. I had prepped it for days saying we can take our time have our intimacy, go wild etc… RESULT: it was again a 5 min quickie go get over with, the quicker the better, right before the shower in order to go out for the date….
I am getting into the early 40s and I am sick and tired of finding occasions to hide and masturbate because my wife is giving me 5% (at best...) of what I'd need as a man. And This just starts to scratch the surface of the issue. I have been bringing up to her more and more that my needs as a man are nowhere near being met, I started telling her that she may have Low desire/libido and she was deeply offended. Said it wasn't true. Said I was wrong. I directed her to read articles about this and it took weeks for her to even open the email with the links. I directed her here on this very FORUM asking her to read around for the many situations similar to ours and she got even more offended and said that this was for PERVS and not for normal people. She even refused to admit that we have an issue and she says I am the one with a problem and I'm "weirding her out" and to stop with this sex obsession (I guess implying that I'm some kind of perv…)
I am finding myself more and more resentful to her, and this is years in the making…. her lack of care for this makes me not want to help her with the kids/meals/chores. I have never cheated on her -even when the situations would have make it very easy for me to do so- but I'm at my wit's end here. SHe has progressively gained more and more weight and she has not take care of herself for years: the excuse is being busy with kids but when I take the kids -even at the gym- she finds all sort of excuses to not work-out. I look at her and I don't even find her attractive anymore and if she were not my wife - and had I not committed for life to her, and her only- I would rather have sex with a thousand different women rather than her.
On her turn she has been progressively more and more resentful to me and she treats me either with anger or contempt and is very often aggressive -verbally and physically- even in front of the kids, to the point that often times she behaves like a bully trying to pick a fight. We are in a downward spiral and I don't know how to get out of it. I know that at the core of it all we have good feelings for eachother but they are at the bottom of a pile of rubbish.
I have one priority in life provide my kids my a solid foundation for their growth and that mean having both parents in the house. But I don't want to go on like this anymore and I don't think that even forcing myself to accept it - as i have done for years- by body and mind can take it anymore. I am a breaking point and I need some change. Counseling is not an options right now because- even though we're doing ok financially- we don't have the chance to spend 200 to 400 a month on it. May be down the road but it's be several months , not weeks.
Please help. Any advice is valued and appreciated.[/FONT]
Our sex life started out relatively well for 1-2 months after meeting and it went downhill from there. Let's say that for the last 10+ years we had sex maybe once/twice a month (if that..) and sometimes we had dry months altogether. I can already hear some of you thinking: don't complain, some people have it worse….
Let me tell you more:
After the initial dating period I thought : I know sex is not great but I like and love her for other things: she has other qualities and values similar to mine and I stuck with her even though I had "to take care of myself" sexually even back then. Things only got worse from there: for the last 11 years the rare times we had sex has been only for quickies. Always in one- the same- position, even same same leg position etc.. She has refused any other positions for various reason: it hurts, can't stretch, I'm uncomfortable, you're just using me, there's no connection, i'm not a doll etc. etc.
No foreplay of any kind, EVER: she refuses to touch me and has not done so for 10+ years. Also she doesn't want me to touch her as well because she is convinced that any intimate contact with my hands will give her a UTI or some infection. She has NEVER given me any oral and refused for me to go there . The excuse is again because of fear of infection or other reasons. The rare times we have sex - and I have to beg for weeks at the times for it - it is for a handful of minutes, if she has an orgasm she doesn't say anything or make any sound , then I am pressed by her to be quick and get it over with. No talking (or dirty-talking), words or anything during the act otherwise she starts to complain that I'm "worse than a woman". Afterwards she runs immediately to shower for fear of getting a UTI, the doctor- she says- told her to do so. ALso sex can only take place when she's dirty and therefore planned when in need of a shower, not when she's clean...
Now, it would be easy to say that this situation was created when we had kids-6 and 3 years ago - and blame it all on hormones/birth/childcare/ etc.. but reality is I could have written this same exact post BEFORE our children were born. A few times I experimented waiting the 2 to 4 weeks that it takes her to build some sexual desire and coordinate a schedule for the kids to be with grandparents on a Saturday night and for us to be able to have a sort of date: dinner/movie and an empty house to do whatever we wanted: NOTHING CHANGED. I had prepped it for days saying we can take our time have our intimacy, go wild etc… RESULT: it was again a 5 min quickie go get over with, the quicker the better, right before the shower in order to go out for the date….
I am getting into the early 40s and I am sick and tired of finding occasions to hide and masturbate because my wife is giving me 5% (at best...) of what I'd need as a man. And This just starts to scratch the surface of the issue. I have been bringing up to her more and more that my needs as a man are nowhere near being met, I started telling her that she may have Low desire/libido and she was deeply offended. Said it wasn't true. Said I was wrong. I directed her to read articles about this and it took weeks for her to even open the email with the links. I directed her here on this very FORUM asking her to read around for the many situations similar to ours and she got even more offended and said that this was for PERVS and not for normal people. She even refused to admit that we have an issue and she says I am the one with a problem and I'm "weirding her out" and to stop with this sex obsession (I guess implying that I'm some kind of perv…)
I am finding myself more and more resentful to her, and this is years in the making…. her lack of care for this makes me not want to help her with the kids/meals/chores. I have never cheated on her -even when the situations would have make it very easy for me to do so- but I'm at my wit's end here. SHe has progressively gained more and more weight and she has not take care of herself for years: the excuse is being busy with kids but when I take the kids -even at the gym- she finds all sort of excuses to not work-out. I look at her and I don't even find her attractive anymore and if she were not my wife - and had I not committed for life to her, and her only- I would rather have sex with a thousand different women rather than her.
On her turn she has been progressively more and more resentful to me and she treats me either with anger or contempt and is very often aggressive -verbally and physically- even in front of the kids, to the point that often times she behaves like a bully trying to pick a fight. We are in a downward spiral and I don't know how to get out of it. I know that at the core of it all we have good feelings for eachother but they are at the bottom of a pile of rubbish.
I have one priority in life provide my kids my a solid foundation for their growth and that mean having both parents in the house. But I don't want to go on like this anymore and I don't think that even forcing myself to accept it - as i have done for years- by body and mind can take it anymore. I am a breaking point and I need some change. Counseling is not an options right now because- even though we're doing ok financially- we don't have the chance to spend 200 to 400 a month on it. May be down the road but it's be several months , not weeks.
Please help. Any advice is valued and appreciated.[/FONT]
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