Comments needed. Hard to give an accurate description because of issues that have been going on for years - so this is longer than I wanted. Quick background: 2nd marriage for both. No children together. "Forgotten" anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Silent treatment while on vacations, over holidays and other special occasions. Snipes about weight, age, and interests. Promises to complete projects but always some reason can't be done. No intimacy - touching, hugs, etc. which he blames on a 15 lb weight gain for me. Recently talked about moving to different state. Mentioned that he could see himself living alone - said he thought I would rather live with my adult kids - which I never said. Currently one son and new wife are staying here temporarily while he finishes school.
Here is latest: another adult child and grandchildren coming for visit. Two days before I woke early to clean refrigerator. When he got up, I could tell he was irritated by actions. I thought, oh oh - here we go again. So I said nothing. Then he said -" throwing all this out just so you can buy new." I explained (calmly) that what I was throwing out was expired and in some cases a few years old. I asked what I had done to make him angry. He said "you are spending all my retirement money. You move my things. I have no space in this house." I did move a stack of mail and newspapers to clean and failed to put them back where they had been. BTW - we are older and both still work and I currently have a higher paying job.
By this time, I was irritated - especially after the discussion about him living alone - and I said "if I irritate you so much, and spend all your money and you hate it here, then perhaps you should leave." First time I have EVER said anything like that. His response, "that is what I intend to do by moving to ____." And he walked away.
I did not want my kids visit ruined, so I followed him to ask what he meant and he absolutely would not talk. I know better than to keep hounding, so I finished what I was doing and wrote a short note saying simply that if that is the way he felt, I was not bluffing or joking - he should leave and do it now. No response. Two days later, kids coming in. I texted him "What are your plans?" No response.
That was a week ago. Kids are here. I am trying to keep things normal, but he is not talking to me and frankly I have nothing to say to him. My plan is to wait out this visit and then push it a little more. This has been a cycle that we are on and it has been getting much worse over the last 4-5 years. I truly feel like I am done. He will not go to counseling. He has no desire to read or learn about anything that may help. This is only a small example of how things are.
We have a vacation planned next month. I have no intention of going. Am I crazy for suggesting he should go ahead and leave. Am I missing something? I don't think he intends to leave until HE is ready. It seems like we are in a toxic cycle and I want it to end.
Here is latest: another adult child and grandchildren coming for visit. Two days before I woke early to clean refrigerator. When he got up, I could tell he was irritated by actions. I thought, oh oh - here we go again. So I said nothing. Then he said -" throwing all this out just so you can buy new." I explained (calmly) that what I was throwing out was expired and in some cases a few years old. I asked what I had done to make him angry. He said "you are spending all my retirement money. You move my things. I have no space in this house." I did move a stack of mail and newspapers to clean and failed to put them back where they had been. BTW - we are older and both still work and I currently have a higher paying job.
By this time, I was irritated - especially after the discussion about him living alone - and I said "if I irritate you so much, and spend all your money and you hate it here, then perhaps you should leave." First time I have EVER said anything like that. His response, "that is what I intend to do by moving to ____." And he walked away.
I did not want my kids visit ruined, so I followed him to ask what he meant and he absolutely would not talk. I know better than to keep hounding, so I finished what I was doing and wrote a short note saying simply that if that is the way he felt, I was not bluffing or joking - he should leave and do it now. No response. Two days later, kids coming in. I texted him "What are your plans?" No response.
That was a week ago. Kids are here. I am trying to keep things normal, but he is not talking to me and frankly I have nothing to say to him. My plan is to wait out this visit and then push it a little more. This has been a cycle that we are on and it has been getting much worse over the last 4-5 years. I truly feel like I am done. He will not go to counseling. He has no desire to read or learn about anything that may help. This is only a small example of how things are.
We have a vacation planned next month. I have no intention of going. Am I crazy for suggesting he should go ahead and leave. Am I missing something? I don't think he intends to leave until HE is ready. It seems like we are in a toxic cycle and I want it to end.
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