Here I am again, just shy of two years past D day and 18 months past divorce. It was in March of 2012 when I got the famous ILBNILWY words from my XW, just to discover a few days later her affair with MM.
I was a textbook BS. Went through all the usual phases...denial, anger, depression, begging...oh boy, it was simply horrible. I hit the rock bottom. Lost my job, savings, declared bankruptcy, moved from 3000 SF house to two bedroom apartment, lost half the time with my boys. For a long time I was looking for answers and hoping she was going to snap out of it, even after I filed for divorce.
Drugs and alcohol were luckily not one of the coping mechanisms I chose. Instead I decided to lick my wounds and pick up myself. Easier said than done, but there was no second option.
So I started going to IC, hitting the gym almost daily, spending quality time with my boys and friends, joined a divorce support group (highly recommended) where I met lots of new friends and among them one of my best friends now.
Slowly I started to see improvements, but I knew I was nowhere near being completely healed. Not sure if I will ever be. I even had a rebound relationship with a wonderful girl who ended up hurt, but we are still friends :). After that, at the recommendation of therapist and a few friends I decided to take a hiatus from women and dating. I started focusing on myself and kids. Lots of lonely nights and weekends, but it was the only way.
After that I have been on lots of dates and everything was short lived. I realized there are really lots of great women, way better than my ex. But I was not ready for anything serious. Sex with some of these women was mind blowing, something I never had with my ex. It may sound weird, but I stayed in touch with most of them. I can't help being a nice guy :). And few of them even told me to call them when I'm ready. Not going to happen, don't worry.
Now, I have been seeing a girl for little over two months, and she is amazing and beautiful. We have not had sex yet...I insisted. She is different… I want my walls to come down first. Yes, the wall is still up. It's the price we BS pay for a long time. But I do believe in love and spending the rest of my life with one person. Call me hopeless romantic or whatever.
One thing that scares me though is how this other person is going to treat my kids. Is she going to be a good step parent, if I ever decide to remarry? None of these women have met my kids, well one did, but it was at the party, so I guess that does not count.
The XW, well, she did try to come back, and it messed me up pretty good. It made my recovery a bit longer than it should have been. She came over one day and cried for hours. Cried herself to sleep on my couch. When she woke up we had a talk. I told her if we were to get back together it would be on my terms and I demanded complete transparency and truth. She could not give me that and I gracefully walked away. I did hurt though. I felt like I was the one breaking the marriage. Even though we were already divorced at this time. This was a day before Christmas 2012. A week later, On New year's eve she met her current BF. And this was two weeks after she broke off with her MM.
A month later he was introduced to her family and my boys and was already having sleepovers. It did hurt initially, being replaced so quickly. But I'm fine with it now. I know my boys have only one dad, and I know they love me. He recently moved in with my XW. Boys are still confused as XW still calls him only a friend. Try to explain that one to the kids. Mom is sleeping with her friend. My younger one doesn't like him and does not want to talk about him. He cries almost every time when they come to pick them up. Older one is indifferent towards him. They do not do any activities together. Her BF is OTR truck driver and when he gets home he spends it on the couch. Once he snapped at the boys when they were playing, just being boys, and called them stupid idiots. This did not sit too well with me and I warned my X that this is the first and the last time something like this happened. Him and I met only few times, briefly. But I am planning on having a conversation with him one day. I want him on the same side when it comes to raising the kids.
There are no discussions with EX, only about the kids. When she sends me a text that has nothing to do with the kids I completely ignore it. When she calls me names I ask her politely not to do that and ignore the rest of conversation. I still do not understand her bitterness, but I am not even trying. I'm too busy living my life.
She lost all her friends during the divorce. Even her best friend for years.
Now she is just hanging out with her BF when he is home. Sometimes I feel bad for her, but it doesn't last. It's her choice.
I am getting back on my feet slowly. I have a good paying job. Lots of friends who are constantly calling and visiting me. On the weekends when I don't have the boys I go out and enjoy my time and laughs with friends.
I have realized, even though she cheated and left, that I am in a way grateful for her choices. She gave me a gift. For the first time in my life I was able to look inside myself and reevaluate my life and my priorities. It feels good. My marriage was a good one. No abuse, no alcohol, no problems. Mostly because she has the avoidance personality, always keeps feelings stuffed in.
I know that even if we stayed together and even if she didn't cheat my life would be mediocre. I settled...I was too comfortable in my marriage. I lost myself...I lost some friends because I had to make a choice between marriage and friendships. Because I loved her and was ready to do anything for her and for my marriage. No more. Now I know I can have more.
I might not have a lot of money in my savings, I lost my 401K, but I am happy...it took two years, but I realized I money and things and even other people cannot bring me happiness.
Now I am free. I do whatever I want with my free time and no one is nagging...lol.
To all you who are in the beginning phases of it, I promise you it gets better. I thought it was going to take me years to get to this place. I am in a way grateful for the journey I went thru, but would not wish it upon anyone. As I said, it was a cleansing pain but now I am a new man, and without any doubt in my mind I am going to make a great partner to some lucky lady one day, I know my kids love me and that no one will ever replace me.
I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you get to the same place soon. Thank you all for everything, even though I wasn't posting here often, but I was absorbing every word and every advice given to others.
Getting better got better already.
:):):):smthumbup::smthumbup:
I was a textbook BS. Went through all the usual phases...denial, anger, depression, begging...oh boy, it was simply horrible. I hit the rock bottom. Lost my job, savings, declared bankruptcy, moved from 3000 SF house to two bedroom apartment, lost half the time with my boys. For a long time I was looking for answers and hoping she was going to snap out of it, even after I filed for divorce.
Drugs and alcohol were luckily not one of the coping mechanisms I chose. Instead I decided to lick my wounds and pick up myself. Easier said than done, but there was no second option.
So I started going to IC, hitting the gym almost daily, spending quality time with my boys and friends, joined a divorce support group (highly recommended) where I met lots of new friends and among them one of my best friends now.
Slowly I started to see improvements, but I knew I was nowhere near being completely healed. Not sure if I will ever be. I even had a rebound relationship with a wonderful girl who ended up hurt, but we are still friends :). After that, at the recommendation of therapist and a few friends I decided to take a hiatus from women and dating. I started focusing on myself and kids. Lots of lonely nights and weekends, but it was the only way.
After that I have been on lots of dates and everything was short lived. I realized there are really lots of great women, way better than my ex. But I was not ready for anything serious. Sex with some of these women was mind blowing, something I never had with my ex. It may sound weird, but I stayed in touch with most of them. I can't help being a nice guy :). And few of them even told me to call them when I'm ready. Not going to happen, don't worry.
Now, I have been seeing a girl for little over two months, and she is amazing and beautiful. We have not had sex yet...I insisted. She is different… I want my walls to come down first. Yes, the wall is still up. It's the price we BS pay for a long time. But I do believe in love and spending the rest of my life with one person. Call me hopeless romantic or whatever.
One thing that scares me though is how this other person is going to treat my kids. Is she going to be a good step parent, if I ever decide to remarry? None of these women have met my kids, well one did, but it was at the party, so I guess that does not count.
The XW, well, she did try to come back, and it messed me up pretty good. It made my recovery a bit longer than it should have been. She came over one day and cried for hours. Cried herself to sleep on my couch. When she woke up we had a talk. I told her if we were to get back together it would be on my terms and I demanded complete transparency and truth. She could not give me that and I gracefully walked away. I did hurt though. I felt like I was the one breaking the marriage. Even though we were already divorced at this time. This was a day before Christmas 2012. A week later, On New year's eve she met her current BF. And this was two weeks after she broke off with her MM.
A month later he was introduced to her family and my boys and was already having sleepovers. It did hurt initially, being replaced so quickly. But I'm fine with it now. I know my boys have only one dad, and I know they love me. He recently moved in with my XW. Boys are still confused as XW still calls him only a friend. Try to explain that one to the kids. Mom is sleeping with her friend. My younger one doesn't like him and does not want to talk about him. He cries almost every time when they come to pick them up. Older one is indifferent towards him. They do not do any activities together. Her BF is OTR truck driver and when he gets home he spends it on the couch. Once he snapped at the boys when they were playing, just being boys, and called them stupid idiots. This did not sit too well with me and I warned my X that this is the first and the last time something like this happened. Him and I met only few times, briefly. But I am planning on having a conversation with him one day. I want him on the same side when it comes to raising the kids.
There are no discussions with EX, only about the kids. When she sends me a text that has nothing to do with the kids I completely ignore it. When she calls me names I ask her politely not to do that and ignore the rest of conversation. I still do not understand her bitterness, but I am not even trying. I'm too busy living my life.
She lost all her friends during the divorce. Even her best friend for years.
Now she is just hanging out with her BF when he is home. Sometimes I feel bad for her, but it doesn't last. It's her choice.
I am getting back on my feet slowly. I have a good paying job. Lots of friends who are constantly calling and visiting me. On the weekends when I don't have the boys I go out and enjoy my time and laughs with friends.
I have realized, even though she cheated and left, that I am in a way grateful for her choices. She gave me a gift. For the first time in my life I was able to look inside myself and reevaluate my life and my priorities. It feels good. My marriage was a good one. No abuse, no alcohol, no problems. Mostly because she has the avoidance personality, always keeps feelings stuffed in.
I know that even if we stayed together and even if she didn't cheat my life would be mediocre. I settled...I was too comfortable in my marriage. I lost myself...I lost some friends because I had to make a choice between marriage and friendships. Because I loved her and was ready to do anything for her and for my marriage. No more. Now I know I can have more.
I might not have a lot of money in my savings, I lost my 401K, but I am happy...it took two years, but I realized I money and things and even other people cannot bring me happiness.
Now I am free. I do whatever I want with my free time and no one is nagging...lol.
To all you who are in the beginning phases of it, I promise you it gets better. I thought it was going to take me years to get to this place. I am in a way grateful for the journey I went thru, but would not wish it upon anyone. As I said, it was a cleansing pain but now I am a new man, and without any doubt in my mind I am going to make a great partner to some lucky lady one day, I know my kids love me and that no one will ever replace me.
I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you get to the same place soon. Thank you all for everything, even though I wasn't posting here often, but I was absorbing every word and every advice given to others.
Getting better got better already.
:):):):smthumbup::smthumbup:
Put the internet to work for you.
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