| If I were to list all of the outside challenges to our marriage, I would break the internet. IE would only display 'internet is full - call CantGetRight. I'm going to stick to the big stuff but it still may be a lot. We have been married for 16+ years. I am so very fortunate to have married my best friend. For the first ten years of our marriage it was just us. We wanted children desperately. We got them in a big way. Our triplets were born the morning after our tenth anniversary. We were so good at parenting back then. We lived by the schedule and it worked. Most of all, we appreciated each other. Love is an understatement; it was always so much more than that. When the kids started mother's day out, (can see the early changes with 20/20 vision now) Michelle found the outside world again. She was social and involved. At three, the kids could be a part of the public head start program so we signed them up. It was more difficult for her to remain social because she had nothing in common with the people they were attending school with. We simply live in two different worlds. This is when I can first see the early signs of social retreat. The more the children were away, the more she stayed in. Financially, it was tough but I have a decent income so we got by. More money is always better but we weighed the price of that and decided it was better for her to remain home to take care of the kids when they were not in school. Life wasn't as good as it ever was but we remained hopeful and committed. It worked for us. Almost two years ago I began having health issues. I had severely damaged discs in my neck. It took three months or so before I was unable to cope with the pain and I began seeking treatment. (enter train wreck) My father in law was taken from us in October that year in an accident. There were no goodbyes, just gone. He meant a so much to my wife and me. How can we move on when there seems to be so much heartache around us? Life never gives you the option to stop while you're still living it. In November I had a medical procedure to look more closely at the damage in my cervical spine. The doctor that was performing the procedure had a needle in my spine when he stuck my sciatic nerve. When the pain hit, I was in tears immediately. The doctor then left the room, with the needle still buried in my nerve and went for help. I lay on the table and asked God to forgive me for my sins and to please take me because I couldn't bear this pain. I'll spare you the rest of the details but it got worse from there. It was traumatic to put it mildly. Three days after Christmas I had surgery to fuse three vertebrae together. The surgery was great. Physically I was much better. Emotionally, I was a time bomb. I began seeing a psychiatrist in February. He is amazing. He instantly recognized the signs of PTSD and began treatment. I was put on a low dose of Paxil to stabilize my mood. The first two weeks were great. Then I found out that I don't metabolize Paxil well and after two weeks of good times my body had very high levels of the drug still in my system. We stopped Paxil and took a couple of weeks and then started an even lower dose of Abilify. Picked up the prescription at Walgreens and never saw that the pharmacist filled it for 20mg instead of 2mg. I was supposed to take 4mg a day and was taking 40mg. 30 mg is the highest dose the manufacturer suggest. Needless to say, it was not pretty after being on the high dose for 6 days. Somehow we made it through again. I have some lingering effects from the Abilify episode and worse Walgreens insurance company took a single statement that I made and more or less dismissed the claim. I had no choice but to hire an attorney. I fear we will end up in court before it's over. Walgreens sucks donkey balls! (sorry but they do) All of that and we were still able to cling tightly to each other. But, Michelle is slowly feeling blame set in towards me because she has yet to properly grieve her father's death and even though the things that happened to me were not in my control, I am to blame for that. I wish I knew how to help her grieve but I cannot begin to understand the pain she feels. I will never be able to get it the way she does. I can only try to be there for her. For the last six months it has been very strained for the both of us. I'm back seeing my psychiatrist and Michelle is seeking help as well. I am afraid we are running out of time. She blames me for everything else now too. She says that I yell all the time. Most of the time I don't say anything at all because I am scared of the repercussions and the kids certainly don't need to see us in turmoil any more than they already have. Lately things have really come to a head. We were in the car with the kids the other day and there was a small misunderstanding. She was yelling at me and I didn't yell back. She did, however, accuse me of yelling at her and when I explained that she was the one yelling, she told me that she yelled because of something I did. It was my fault that she yelled yet she constantly reminds me that I make the choice to yell and that no one is to blame but me. She refuses to take responsibility when she yells because somehow it's always my fault she had to yell. There are a bunch more like situations of hypocrisy. I won't bore you with them all but they all end with me being totally to blame and her not taking responsibility for her own actions. I own every one of mine and she has written proof. I am not afraid of accepting my faults and I am working very hard to resolve them. I haven't raised my voice in three days and we have had some very tense discussions. I just need to get through the next few months with her while we work this out. I have made my commitment to her. I will not move. When she is ready and remembers how deeply I am in love with her, I'll be right there where she left me. I leave her love notes on the mirror with pictures from our past. I try my best to never let her forget the love we share and the good times we have had together. It gets really hard to have to take the fall all the time though. We have not had three consecutively peaceful days in almost a year. My heart belongs to her forever. I just need a little more time for her to see. Any thoughts are welcome. --john | |||
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