| Basically, over 2 years ago i'm pretty sure i had severe depression, despite not seeing anyone about it or being diagnosed with it. I was in a continuous low mood, always felt hopeless and helpless, i cried from time to time (i'm a dude), i didn't enjoy anything, had no self esteem, no motivation, people often told me i don't look well, wasn't doing well in class and pretty much had no interests. And i remained like that for almost 18 months, not talking to anyone about it, not doing anything about it. Roughly half into summer it was going away, by the time i was going to university i pretty much wasn't depressed anymore, at all. And then at uni it kicked in again. I hated the first term and i often thought about killing myself and did some research into how i could get hold of some carbon monoxide and was trying to think of a way to hang myself. I saw a uni counselor, but it almost made me feel worse, it was so useless. Anyway after my january exams, i almost instantly felt better. It was like one day i woke up and thought "i could either kill myself having lived a miserable, pathetic life or i could fight to live a life worth living". I instantly felt better, i no longer wanted to kill myself, i no longer was always unhappy, i thought that was the end of it, but now i'm not sure. After my exams i had the most unimaginable sleeping problems all the way through Easter. I couldn't sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all at night, feeling totally restless and then i'd feel shattered and exhausted in the late morning and still then not getting enough sleep. I tried almost everything to fix it, but it didn't work. Over easter it improved, but didn't go away and when i returned to uni it got bad again. I had and still have no concentration. At all. I couldn't focus in a lecture for more than a minute. I had almost no motivation to do anything, especially study. I wasn't doing well in uni. Although i wasn't depressed all the time, i've noticed that i still have never been particularly happy and when i am it's only for a few seconds. My sleep has improved, but i still have no concentration, no motivation (it's as if i no longer care if i fail, even though i know i can't fail, my life depends on it). I can't seem to get much joy out of life. I occasionly cry out of no real cause, i can't be asked to talk to people or participate in conversation. Sometimes i and other people notice that i talk and move more sluggishly and i don't really like anyone including my friends. I don't know why i just don't like them, it's like theres no reason for me to like them, even though they're my friends. I don't dislike them, i just won't miss them and i don't see them in a particularly good light. Sometimes i think that i'm just lazy and incompetent and stupid and if i was the opposite i'd be doing better at uni and i'd be happier. It's actually a belief i've always held since i was first depressed. That i'm just being a drama queen and that theres nothing wrong with me, especially since after my january exams. Even when i went to see a councelor, i felt that she thought there was nothing really wrong with me and that i was there for no reason. Anyway, i just want to know if i am actually depressed and that's the reason i'm failing at uni, coz it affects my work, or maybe there's nothing wrong with me and that i'm failing coz i just have bad work ethic? I dunno, i'm not sure if i should see a doctor, i'm not sure he's going to want to hear all this, this is something more for a therapist, but i cant afford that. They'll probably think i'm just a lazy guy who's trying to use depression as a scapegoat for failing, heck even i'm not entirely convinced i'm depres sed, as if anyone else is. I think it's because i don't feel all these things at the same time and sometimes i dont think i'm even concious of it. I'm just failing and i don't why? What does it sound like to you? tldr: bold bits. Also, i don't know if this is relevant, but i've been having problems at home for years and rather recently it was really bad. | |||
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