| I don't know if anyone has ever read the book Hosea in the Bible, Torah, Tanakh...whatever you call it. It is about a prophet who God tells to go marry a wayward woman. Hosea, is like whaaaaat?, but God says man, I got something to say about my peeps, and I'm am going to use the hell you are going through to be an example for the people. So Hosea marries her, and she starts breaking his heart...and then God is like...alright use that to talk to my people of how it is like when my people walk out on me, chasing after affairs with other gods, money, and stuff! You let them know, cos stuff is going to go down because of it. I've thought of this story a lot because of what I went/going through. Each time his wife came back, Hosea let her come back...which also reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son...where kid says, yo dad, gimme what you are going to pay me when you plan on dying, cos I am out. Father says, here, take it. Could you imagine someone doing that...saying that to your parents? So he parties, lives it up, blows all his inheritance money..and years later says, man I messed up...I wanna come back home...but I know I blew it. I'll just sneak in by getting some lame-ass job...and sleep in the pig pen...that's what I deserve after all of this. BUt when he shows up, his dad runs to him, looking like a fool, so happy that his son is back...and the things he gives his son symbolically represents full restoration and authority. Thats what we are to God when we come back to Him...but how should we be toward a wayward spouse? LOVE IS A RISK. And God risks that with us everyday...b ut always takes us back. This is what I stood by all these years...to always be forgiving to work things out. BUt lately i have been remarking, that I am not Hosea. I told God that if you want this to reconcile then you have to do something with my heart, cos I am done. My wife had a dream the night (two weeks ago) she said that her mind was made up, she is divorcing me. We tried intensively to talk and work things out, setting up lots of goals to follow through...but she just couldn't do this anymore. So she dreams that night that her wedding ring broke in half. I tell her, "Well I agree...cos you know each time you have done this, I have always fought for us, believed things could be better if we both invested fully, but this last time, I felt something broke...like a piece of metal bent back and forth too many times. It's in God's hands now." But I wouldn't lie to you if I still didn't feel some ambivalence about it...having so wanting to align my life to biblical examples like how God will always take us back...and how Hosea always took his wife back. But I am not God...I am not Hosea...and even though I felt I have followed the examples...of always seeking reconciliation...I can't tell you how relieved I am that she will be out of my life! I know a lot of you will be like, "DUH!!" but really this is such a huge paradigm shift for me...just saying "I'm done." and not planning to ever take her back if/when she screws up her life. Still I know that God will take her back...he can restore her...and that's what I've been saying to God..."She's ALL YOURS"...but I know God has this serious sense of humor, bathed in irony. Still, I have to admit I a m not healthy...I have issues of codependency...and I can't let that be intertwined in my spirituality, muddling up my mission. So if I take her back, it will be be cause God wills it and changes my heart...and not because I am powerless to say no to her. | |||
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