| This is another one of my really long posts but please take the time to read it all. This is something thats extremely important to me. I am having a really hard time understanding my parent's logic right now. I have a 20 year old brother who has a very serious problem, and my paren'ts dont seem to be doing anything about it. As I said, he is 20 years old, he still lives at home with my parents, he has never had a job, he has never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, he is basically completely dependent on my parents. He just got his driver's license a couple years ago but my parent's have very strict rules as to where he can drive and what time he can drive. My dad's restaurant is about 5 minutes away from my parent's house... thats about as far as they let him drive. And even then, sometimes if my dad sees an ambulance going down the road, he has to call my brother and "check" on him to make sure hes ok. My parent's think that hes totally incapable of doing anything... even driving 5 minutes down the road. He is one of the most cautious drivers Ive ever seen.... he drives slower and is more careful than I am. Sometimes I try to get my brother to go places with me such as the grocery store. For one because I don't really like going most places by myself, and the other reason is because I'm trying to help him but just getting him out of the house for a change. My dad doesn't like it when my brother meets me somewhere, because hes apparently so worried about him... so I usually end up having to take him places with me in MY car because the only place my dad lets him drive by himself to is from the house to his restaurant. And then if I invite him over to my house and its past 10:00 or 11:00 at night and hes still not home, my dad calls me being all paranoid saying "I don't usually let him drive late at night because the city cops are bad to pull people at around this time. If he ever got pulled over by a cop for some reason, he'd have a nervous breakdown. He wouldn't know how to handle it". My thoughts are.... at some point in his lifetime, Hes going to get pulled over by a cop. Its just life. You live and you learn. I'm sure he would be nervous if he ever got pulled over.... but he would soon learn that its a part of life that just sometimes happens. He has this thing with his hands where they shake really bad.... like uncontrollably. My paren'ts seem to think its some kind of deficiency or something medically wrong... They took him to the doctor and they didn't find anything physically wrong with him... except that his thyroid was a little overactive or underactive, I cant remember which one. They gave him pills for that though, and guess what... his hands still shake! When my dad took him to get his driver's license and he had to sign his name on a piece of paper, his hands were shaking so bad, he couldn't even do this. He had to sit down and calm his nerves for a few minutes before he could even sign the paper. Anytime we go out to eat at a restaurant, he can't even put the food up to his mouth without his hands shaking everywhere and dropping the food. My parents still choose to believe theres something physically wrong with him. I disagree. I think its nerves.... I think it makes him nervous when he feels like hes on the spotlight and everyone is watching him do something. He plays guitar... and hes pretty good at it. If his hands shook constantly even when noone is around, he wouldn't be able to play a guitar. He is extremely quiet. He literally never says anything to anyone... He never makes eye contact with anyone. I'm like this myself to an extent... I don't talk to people much either but I'm not nearly to the point that he is. I'm not too big on having to socially interact with others, especially strangers... but the difference is, I can usually push myself into doing things that I don't want to do... because I have a WANT to just be normal like everyone else and to just be able to go do simple everyday things. Even though its hard for me, I usually can push myself to get involved in social situations IF I want to do it bad enough. In my experience, the more that I make myself do something, the more comfortable I get with it. I used to be terrified to go to the grocery store by myself.... but there was a time when my husband worked 12 hours a day and wasnt always home at the time that I wanted to go shopping... so I just started pushing myself into going without him. Even now, I don't really like going by myself and I prefer to have him go with me if its possible... but it doesn't absolutely terrify me to go alone anymore like it used to. I thought maybe this is what my brother needs. So one day I tried to get him to go into a store without me and buy something. He was acting very uneasy about it and giving me the impression that he didn't want to do it... I tried to persuade him but he still didn't seem confident with the idea so I didn't push it. When I told my parent's about it, their reaction was "Don't try to make him do stuff like that. He can't do it. He can't even hand the cashier his money without shaking and dropping everything. He just cant do it." Maybe his case is so severe that it wouldn't help.... but I don't see how letting him sit in his room, playing video games and wasting away his life is helping him either. Just last night, an old friend of my dad's stopped by his restaurant and she met my brother. She asked my dad if my brother wanted to join some type of event that her church was having for "special" people. She didn't exactly say the word handicapped, but by the word "special", I'm sure thats what she meant. My dad just had a puzzled look on his face and said "No.. dont think he'd be interested in that". To me, that translated as HE didn't want my brother participating in it. I don't think HE wants people to think that he has a handicapped son. Unfortunately, when people first meet my brother, most of them can tell that there is something wrong and most of them do consider him to be handicapped.... some people think that hes maybe autistic. Nobody really knows... but everyone can tell that he isn't right. I personally don't know why he didn't at least ask my brother if he wanted to participate.... if my dad had encouraged him a little, you never know, he might have said yes. The lady said there were going to be all types of activities such as swimming, playing sports, etc... it might have been something that he would have liked and it would have gotten him out of the house. Ive told my mom before that she needs to take him to a psychiatrist. There is nothing physically wrong with him... they are barking up the wrong tree by taking him to medical doctors. Its not like my parents dont have the money to get him the proper treatment.... Its like they just refuse to acknowledge that its a mental problem. Like I said, I don't think they want anyone to think that they have a handicapped son.... but the reality is that they do. His social phobia is so bad, that its actually stopping him from having a normal life... its stopping him from having a job, from having friends, from having a girlfriend, from being able to do just normal everyday things. I think its really selfish and sad that they are more worried about themselves than him.... I think they haven't taken him to a psychiatrist yet because they dont WANT to know exactly whats wrong with him. I worry about what will happen someday when my parents are no longer around and he is used to living his whole life being completely dependent on someone else. Chances are, I'm going to be the one to take care of him. I have 2 other brothers but I doubt they'd do it.... They also still live at home with my parents, and they are in their 30s. They aren't used to having any responsibility. They have jobs at least, but they don't pay for any bills. They don't even do their own laundry. They are also very dependent on my parents but they CHOOSE to be. They could easily live on their own and take care of themselves if they wanted. My parent's are always so quick to complain whenever my husband's family needs help.... their attitude is "Why is his family even bothering you with their issues? You have your own lives!".... but then I think to myself, what about when my parents are gone and my brother needs ME to depend on? What if he has to come live with my husband and I, and we have to help support him and get him the proper treatment that he needs. I doubt that I'd hear a SINGLE word from my husband or my husband's parents about it.... because they're understanding and they know that helping people out is just apart of life sometimes. I too used to complain about my husband's family because they've needed money before and have asked us for help... but when I think about my brother and the fact that he could someday need OUR help, it has completely opened my eyes. I would be absolutely devastated if my husband told me "No. Your brother isn't staying with us! Im not supporting him! Get one of your other brothers or someone else to do it". I'd be like no... screw you. This is my brother and he needs help. My parents need to realize this too... my husband's family aren't the only ones that sometimes need help. The tables could easily be turned. And if they don't get my brother the treatment that he needs while they still have the chance to, I am 100% confident that one day I will have to take care of him when they're gone. If it comes down to that, I'll do what I have to do... but I really would like for them to get him he help that he needs before that point. I want to see him be able to get a job, move out on his own, get married and have kids... but in order for that to happen, my parents are going to have to be completely honest with themselves and come to terms with the fact that they may be labeled with having a "handicapped son", but they're just going to have to stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about him. Otherwise he's never going to get anywhere in life.... I feel horrible for him because I think he probably feels like hes living in a prison. He feels like he can't do anything... and anytime he does express any interest in doing something, my parents are always the first ones to be overprotective of him and tell him "No. You cant do that. You cant. Dont even bother". I know it has to be damaging to his self esteem to constantly be totally he can't do something. The wa y that hes living right now is not any way to live life. I'm usually not a very sympathetic person but when I think of what it must be like.... my heart just breaks for him. Ive tried talking to my parents about this and so has my husband.... they just won't listen. Is there anything that I could say or do to get through to them? If you, as a parent, were in this situation, what would you do? He desperately needs help! | |||
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