Cheating Is a Lot Like Obesity? WTF?
From the article:
Did anyone catch this article over at HuffPo this week by Vicki Larson — HuffPo title "Why We Shouldn't Blame Cheaters"? (Larson title: "Is Infidelity a Societal Problem?" — yes, well duh.)
She suggests that the fault lies in the societal assumption that we be monogamous. And people fail at that, a lot like fat people fail at diets.
The infidelity "epidemic" is at least as prevalent as, say, the obesity epidemic… While there's a personal accountability to obesity — just look at all the how-to-lose weight articles and books that get published each year, in addition to all the diet supplements and weight-loss programs — it's also seen as a societal issue.
…So, obesity — which affects about as many people as infidelity does in direct ways and many more in indirect ways through higher health costs and taxpayer dollars to fund prevention programs — is seen as something that can be fixed in ways outside just an individual's control. (Yes, in some cases, genetics is involved in a person's weight, but some studies suggest genes may play a part in some people's ability to commit, too.) Infidelity, however, is not. Why? Especially since monogamy appears to "promote unhealthy behaviors" — aka affairs and sex avoidance. And since infidelity is among the top reasons for divorce, there's a societal cost involved, too. (Bold emphasis mine. CL)
That's right, chumps — it's monogamy's fault. It promotes unhealthy behaviors like affairs. Let's just liken being faithful to your spouse with high fructose corn syrup — it's unnatural!
She suggests that we lay off the monogamy assumption in our relationships, and if people felt free to screw around without all the shame and judgment — the committed few would actually stick with marriage. The rest, I guess, will be hanging out in their shag-carpeted, sunken living rooms having swinger parties.
I'm all for people configuring their relationships honestly — whatever they are — and that includes polyamory. Sister wives? I wouldn't want to share one Mormon doofus, but that's me. Different strokes for different folks.
But I don't think the Great Societal Pressure of Monogamy is to blame for cheating — poor character is. And blaming monogamy misses the point — cheating is about the thrill of being dishonest. To "cheat" you need an agreement to renege on. There's no danger in openness, no illicit sexual high to chase.
It also ignores the power dynamic that is inherent in infidelity. The cheater wants all the perks of a committed partner, and the excitement of screwing around on the side. The secrecy is about gaining advantage over another. All the kibbles for me! None for you! You commit all your kibbles and I'll just feign reciprocity. Cheaters don't WANT a level playing field. It's about control and entitlement.
From the article:
Did anyone catch this article over at HuffPo this week by Vicki Larson — HuffPo title "Why We Shouldn't Blame Cheaters"? (Larson title: "Is Infidelity a Societal Problem?" — yes, well duh.)
She suggests that the fault lies in the societal assumption that we be monogamous. And people fail at that, a lot like fat people fail at diets.
The infidelity "epidemic" is at least as prevalent as, say, the obesity epidemic… While there's a personal accountability to obesity — just look at all the how-to-lose weight articles and books that get published each year, in addition to all the diet supplements and weight-loss programs — it's also seen as a societal issue.
…So, obesity — which affects about as many people as infidelity does in direct ways and many more in indirect ways through higher health costs and taxpayer dollars to fund prevention programs — is seen as something that can be fixed in ways outside just an individual's control. (Yes, in some cases, genetics is involved in a person's weight, but some studies suggest genes may play a part in some people's ability to commit, too.) Infidelity, however, is not. Why? Especially since monogamy appears to "promote unhealthy behaviors" — aka affairs and sex avoidance. And since infidelity is among the top reasons for divorce, there's a societal cost involved, too. (Bold emphasis mine. CL)
That's right, chumps — it's monogamy's fault. It promotes unhealthy behaviors like affairs. Let's just liken being faithful to your spouse with high fructose corn syrup — it's unnatural!
She suggests that we lay off the monogamy assumption in our relationships, and if people felt free to screw around without all the shame and judgment — the committed few would actually stick with marriage. The rest, I guess, will be hanging out in their shag-carpeted, sunken living rooms having swinger parties.
I'm all for people configuring their relationships honestly — whatever they are — and that includes polyamory. Sister wives? I wouldn't want to share one Mormon doofus, but that's me. Different strokes for different folks.
But I don't think the Great Societal Pressure of Monogamy is to blame for cheating — poor character is. And blaming monogamy misses the point — cheating is about the thrill of being dishonest. To "cheat" you need an agreement to renege on. There's no danger in openness, no illicit sexual high to chase.
It also ignores the power dynamic that is inherent in infidelity. The cheater wants all the perks of a committed partner, and the excitement of screwing around on the side. The secrecy is about gaining advantage over another. All the kibbles for me! None for you! You commit all your kibbles and I'll just feign reciprocity. Cheaters don't WANT a level playing field. It's about control and entitlement.
Put the internet to work for you.
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